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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate next doors dd

60 replies

chocaddict · 17/09/2009 23:40

Have been told loads of times by dp that I am been silly and should act more like an adult but I loathe next doors dd she is 9 years old and is a horrible nasty crafty bully.
Her and ds who is 8 used to play alot together and I welcomed her inot my house fed her welcomed her when ds had other freinds over.
It all started 6 months ago when more nieghbourhood children came onto the scene and she turned on ds and managed to influence others into not been his freind as it is they have abandoned her as well.
I had had to speak to her parents about one particular episode where she carried on bullying ds infront of me despite my asking her to stop.
I thnk she has loathed me since that which is probably the reason why she totally shuns us with a ignorant angry look whenever we are on our driveway at the same time her mom is still on good talking terms with me but her nasty little dd looks the other way and stomps off.
The spiteful little thing is also making nasty little comments to ds at school about his freckles saying that they make him look ugly I was wondering why he kept saying he hates them she has also been saying to his mates that he is an horrible little boy.
Her behaviour a few months ago when alot of her behaviour came to a head consisted of throwing snowballs at my house, and flinging my porch door open when I took ds in away from her nastiness.
So am I unreasonable to hate her with a passion or am I been silly and are girls normally so vile.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocaddict · 17/09/2009 23:41

anybody

OP posts:
MermaidSpam · 17/09/2009 23:48

YANBU girls can be evil (dd is 7).

MitchyInge · 17/09/2009 23:52

all children can be pretty poisonous at times, I think yabu to hate her though even though yanbu to hate the way she has behaved

have you talked to her about it, or her parents?

Original poster
chocaddict · 17/09/2009 23:56

No I haven,t do you think I should maybe she knows my dislike of her hence the hostility which has been going on since the one horrible day her behaviour came to a head.
That day was truly appalling.

OP posts:
Squishabelle · 18/09/2009 00:12

Yanbu. We once moved into a cul-de sac of about 24 houses and soon realised that we had the girl from hell living next door. After a brief honeymoon period in which dd was included in street games, going to each others houses etc - devil child suddenly decided that dd was to be ostracised. She delighted in such things as asking all the other children into her house or garden but not dd. It was heartbreaking seeing dd alone in our garden while everyone else was playing next door. Every chance she got she verbally abused dd. The only relief we ever got was when this kid was away on holiday with her parents and the others would call to our house for dd to play. But as soon as she returned it all started again. The other children seemed to be scared to do anything which she might disapprove her. The final straw came when, yet again dd was stuck in the house and she actually said that she wished she was "not here anymore". She was 10 years old at the time. It broke my heart. We actually put the house up for sale soon afterwards and moved. So YANBU at all as I felt exactly the same as you. I know this is a strange thing to ask but is this girl, um, ugly (if I am allowed to ask!). The girl we had the problem with was very overweight and, how shall we put it - certainly no oil painting! Even though I say it myself, dd is pretty and small and I think jealousy may have been part of the problem.

Original poster
chocaddict · 18/09/2009 00:17

I had wondered about this but no she isn,t ugly at all and not overweight however dh seems to think that for some reason
she is possibly jealous of ds but can,t think of a reason why.

OP posts:
zazen · 18/09/2009 00:48

Well maybe her parents are splitting up before her eyes, and she's desperately unhappy?

Or maybe she has a cousin who she is always being compared to by nasty Auntie..

Have you ever asked her why she's behaving the way she does?

Have you asked her mum is anything wrong, as you notice she's being so hostile towards your DS?

She is a child after all... she sounds like a very unhappy little girl to me.

I know that your DS is in the firing line, and maybe the thing to do is to bolster his confidence (especially wrt freckles) by looking at Benetton ads / other media and remarking how lovely everyone is - including the girl / boy with the freckles.

And then maybe have a chat with the school your DS (and kids on street) go/es to so that they can have a chat about bullies and what to do if they are being bullied, so that all the kids on the street know the words to describe what is happening.

Best of luck, it sounds like a nightmare.

thumbwitch · 18/09/2009 00:54

just a thought, chocaddict - you weren't bullied by someone like her as well when you were a child, were you? If so, you might be feeling the old feelings.

However, she sounds vile enough to loathe without that piece of cod psychology and I would be in the same boat as you about anyone who made my DS feel bad (am not averse to believing that children can be naturally vile). Perhaps your DP could be a bit more supportive and not make you feel silly about it - after all, her behaviour stinks.

ApplePieAndIceCream · 18/09/2009 11:21

My DD was in the same situation as suishabelle's dd, Small cul-de-sac but mainly girls, One girl inparticular 5 years older than dd took a dislike to her.
My DD makes friends easily so knew everyone in the area. This older girl who is 11, would do exactly the same invite all dd's friends into garden but not dd so she was often left alone. She would also pull dd's friends away to whisper and name call dd, she got her younger sister to paint my dd's brand new clothes which were ruined and then it turned physical. She once got a group of four to take turns riding over my dd's feet with thier bikes. There was also alot of pushing and hitting. She got very nasty

Now what i think the problem is was this girl and her sister are not allowed out to play unless they are being supervised by by an adult, (dad has to potter about in the garage) even though all the kids can be seen from the window. And would often have to be in bed at 7pm where as the street kids are still out playing in the summer. The girl would be at the window watching them when supposed to be in bed. I kinda felt sorry for her.

So when she was allowed out she was rebelling against parents strictness, and my dd was bearing the brunt of her fruatration. Maybe because she has lots of friends,i dunno

But no matter what this girl did to dd,dd would always still try to be friends with her and has built up a thick skin over the last couple of years.

it came to head a few weeks ago when dd had her pencil box and paper out in the street when the older girl delibrately ran over the box on her bike destroying it, screwed up dd's pictures and put her pencils down the drain. Dh went out and asked the girl why she did that. Her dad realised something was going on and came over Dh explained what had happened and what had been going on. Girl was taken in and grounded then brought out to apologise to dd.

it could be that there is something else going on with this girl and your ds is suffering for it. If you are still on talking terms with the mum then it might be worth explaining to her why your ds is so unhappy. As she may not have clue whats going on.

With regards to ds, does he have one friend you could encourage him to spend time with in your garden/house away from the others.

If she sees he's not bothered then may back off.

thedollshouse · 18/09/2009 11:31

YABU to hate her although I am sure you dislike her rather than hate her anyway.

It is hard we want to protect our children so much and it is so difficult when we see other children being deliberately spiteful to our children.

Is it worth having another word with the parents?

I feel your pain there are some boys being quite spiteful towards ds at the moment and he doesn't have a bad bone in his body. I just want to run up to them and tell them that they are horrible little beasts and to make them feel how they make ds feel, obviously I haven't done that but it is hard to bite your tounge.

LuluMaman · 18/09/2009 11:35

are girls normally so vile? well, i have a daughter and the answer is no

YABU to hate a child and to think all girls are usually vile.

you need to take this up with her parents and the school , you can dislike/hate her behaviour, but hating a small child is not very worhtwhile

junglist1 · 18/09/2009 12:09

Ask her who the hell she thinks she's screwing her face up at!!?? If she's throwing things at your house run outside and scare her. If she wants to act like a nasty brat she can be treated like one. That'll put a stop to it, she thinks you're soft at the moment. Invite her friends to your house to play with your DS and leave her out like the little cow she is. I'm sick of hearing about sweet children tormented by the likes of that

junglist1 · 18/09/2009 12:11

And yes I have treated bullies on my street like that and it works. Nobody bullies my 2 anymore

2shoes · 18/09/2009 12:11

yanbu
I hate the girl up the road, how dare she call dd a spaz.
some kids are just plain wrong

groundhogs · 18/09/2009 12:11

YANBU!

ToffeeCrumble · 18/09/2009 12:55

YANBU to not like this girl. She sounds awful.
YABU to think all little girls are like this.

thesunshinesbrightly · 18/09/2009 14:18

i don't like my friends dd either she bullies my son,pushes him and hits constantly and she looks at me with her devil eyes!! thankgod she's an ex friend.

BethNoire · 18/09/2009 14:34

I don't think its ok to hate a child, but YANBU to be seriously annoyed with her.

DS1 has Aspergers, we were trying to get him invovled in things outside the home a bit more so took him along to an event dh was helping at, these girls about that age surrounded him and taunted him sevceral tims- DH asked them to stop the first time,they did but only when he wasn't there it now appears.

Anyway after being cornered and elted withs tones DS1 lashed out and thumped one, we found out when the Mum of one had a masive go at DH about the 'unprovoked black eye'- DS1 was dult dealt with but we were appraoched a few days later by the Chairman who was furious with Mum as his MIL has witnessed the stones incident (DS1 cant always relay events back to us reliable- very verbal but poor social understanding).

What kind of child deleiberately taunts a disabled boy in that way?

curiositykilled · 18/09/2009 14:49

YABU to 'hate' her. She is just a little girl, if her behaviour is vile like this it will be for some reason - either she's having some sort of trouble at home or she's being completely spoilt e.t.c.

Your spectrum of control does not include her unfortunately so worrying about trying to change her nasty behaviour yourself or the injustice of it is only going to lead you to being frustrated and upset. An 8 year old who persists in bullying a child in front of their objecting parent needs to be left alone, you need to talk to her parents.

tethersend · 18/09/2009 14:50

YANBU to hate her- the same way we all hate some adults, why should we like all children?

However, the way you act on that hate should be different because she is a child. You are not exactly on a level playing field with a 9 year old, so your actions should reflect that.

YANBU to hate her, but YABU if you start to show her that you do IYSWIM.

Personally, I would kill her with kindness and compliments, as this will probably completely disarm her. And confuse her. But you never know, she might start being nice back.

thesunshinesbrightly · 18/09/2009 16:02

A girl at school called my ds's a name and she turned round to her mom and said "well called him it" can you belive the mentality of some people and you should she the state of her kids.
i hate them and i'm not ashamed to say it.

thesunshinesbrightly · 18/09/2009 16:03

"well you called him it"

pigletmania · 18/09/2009 16:06

YANBU at all this girl sounds like a very nasty little girl. I was right when i said that some girls can be like what the op has described and thats they way they bully, in a cunning and spitful way. Yes, boys are also bullies granted but they go about it in different ways.

pigletmania · 18/09/2009 16:13

Just because this girl is a child does not mean that you are not allowed to not like her. Her behaviour does not make her a likable girl, yes their might be an underlying reason as to why she is like this, mabey you could speak to her parents.

tethersend · 18/09/2009 16:18

I agree piglet, but not liking her, and showing her you don't like her are two separate things... I don't think the OP should show her feelings to this girl.