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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so peeved that we spend approx £1400 a month on childcare

675 replies

couture1 · 17/09/2009 16:44

I know I have to pay for the service but it leaves me with little left over each month and we need to salaries to get by. I dont want to give up work as 1 cant afford to and 2 Im hoping that when 3dc are at school in 3 years time we will be better off each month - but how do we manage until then?

Rant rant rant

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 19/09/2009 14:01

diddl - here's the corollary to your ever-so closed-minded question. Did you go to school, college, uni? If so, why did you bother if all you aspire to in life is staying home with your children.

I am a mother, and I am also a scientist. The two do not need to be mutually exclusive.

LOOBYLOU2 · 19/09/2009 14:05

Yes Francagoestohollywood here we go again .....
I am a SAHM - I'm very lucky I have a choice and it does not preclude me from "mixing in the real world" or having the ability to converse at all levels!

AnnieLobeseder · 19/09/2009 14:11

stepaway - I don't think I should be earning more than nursery staff, but I think something is very wrong when at the end of the month they end up with pretty much all my money. So in effect, they are earning 5 or 6 times what I do. It's cash in hand (or absence thereof) after the childcare has been paid for that's the issue here. So, I would need to earn considerably more than nursery staff to end up with anywhere near what they end up with.

Unless of course they need childcare too, in which case we're all screwed!

diddl · 19/09/2009 14:11

Yes, went to Uni, worked, currently at home, will work again.

francagoestohollywood · 19/09/2009 14:33

Looby, I'm mostly a SAHM too (I do translations, bit of editing, help a friend in her shop) more out of circumstances than out of choice.
The majority of my female friends work full time, I don't think they look down on me, while I don't think they are "selfish" or have deprived their children of anything by going out to work. Their children are actually the same as mine .

These threads always end up in people slagging each other off, which is most unpleasant.

The UK has clearly got a problem, because childcare is often not affordable. But it's difficult to discuss it, as long as there are people who thing that it is unnecessary for women to work outside the home. Tis a shame.

francagoestohollywood · 19/09/2009 14:34

Sorry, lots of typos.

diddl · 19/09/2009 14:48

AnnieL
I haven´t put anywhere that being a scientist excludes you from beng a mother.

You choose to work, I currently don´t, which you seem to look down on.

That´s what I have a problem with.
People who don´t respect my decision to stay at home.

And although it may not seem like it, I do respect your decision to work.

The phrase you used just came across to me as so awful-as if you could not bear to be with your children at all.

I´m sure I´m wrong, of course, and should not have reacted to it.

loobylu3 · 19/09/2009 14:53

I don't think the complaint is that childcare workers shouldn't earn a good wage. They should as they do a very important job. The problem is that a lot of women are forced to stop working when they don't really want to because they would take home less than the childcare provider or only a small amount more. It can then be really hard to get back into the job market when the children are grown.
diddl- can't you see that you remark 'If you´d rather chew your arm off than be at home with your children-why have them?' is really judgmental and inflammatory. If you don't like to be called a 'kept woman', etc you really shouldn't judge others for making different and equally valid decisions.
There are excellent SAHM and poor ones just as there are excellent WOHMs and poor ones! There is a lot more to the relationship of a mum- child than whether or not the mum worked when they were small.

lovechoc · 19/09/2009 15:01

I'm not getting into any slanging matches so I just want to say we've all got our view points but some posters do seem to be nitpicking and taking things the wrong way.
there's nothing wrong with going out to work, but if you have a choice, why bother. it's easier sah.

diddl · 19/09/2009 15:04

diddl- can't you see that you remark 'If you´d rather chew your arm off than be at home with your children-why have them?' is really judgmental and inflammatory.

Obviously not, as I´m currently a dull-witted SAHM.

TanB · 19/09/2009 15:16

Hi Im brand new to Mums net and a new mother currently on Mat leave (Im also a bit scared to join this thread as it seams to be quite heated!!)

Ive recently joined an amazing company with a great business opportunity and have met lots of busy mums whilst doing it - a great way to make money either alongside your current job or whilst you are at home with your children.

If you are interested in finding out more have a look at my website
www.utility-smart.com

and click on 'earn with us at the bottom, goodluck all with what you do (wink)

TanB · 19/09/2009 15:17

Lol thats how new I am!! I cant even do the smiley face properly!

AnnieLobeseder · 19/09/2009 15:22

diddl - I don't look down on SAHMs at all. In the same way I don't look down on dentists, police officers, accountants or salespeople. I simply wouln't want to be one. There's a big difference.

And you asked why I had children if I want to work. So yes, you did imply that have a career and being a mothers are mutually exclusive.

AnnieLobeseder · 19/09/2009 15:24

Oh dear, and now we have to report TanB, new as she is, for plugging a business!

Sigh....

AnnieLobeseder · 19/09/2009 15:27

I really can't understand why some folk on here find it so hard to comprehend that some of us might not enjoy a life that consists entirely of cleaning the house when it's messy again 5 minutes later, cooking meals that get thrown on the floor, having endless conversations that are little but you responding to the question "but whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"..... I love my children dearly but dear god I need a break from the endless toil and boredom of it all! I would go mad if that was all there was to my life. I have only the greatest respect for women who can do it - I can't!

TanB · 19/09/2009 15:27

oh dear , didnt realsie - was just reacting to the ladies who were saying they didnt have enough money?

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/09/2009 15:34

"Here's a provocative question:

Is it possible to be a sahm and not be dull-witted?"

I really have to wonder why you posted this question Quattro ... but, it appears I am too dull-witted to come up with any suggestions for the motivation behind it.

And here's FairyMum being charming:

"These comments always reminds me why I am not a SAHM mixing in the SAHM world, but out in the real world having conversation with normal people."

Really, there's no excuse for it .

loobylu3 · 19/09/2009 15:57

Agree, Quattros question was deliberately provocative and unecessary.

diddl · 19/09/2009 16:01

What´s a SAHM world?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/09/2009 16:45

It's a world of self-congratulation, judging by some of the replies on this thread.

OrmIrian · 19/09/2009 17:05

OP - it's shit isn't it?

We are past that stage now but it was always a struggle. THankfully we had a fantastic CM who made it possible and who treated us with respect unlike the disdain with which kitty seems to regard her clients .

I can't beleive this bollocks is still being touted round this boards. 'Why have kids if you are going to give them to someone else to bring up' etc. Well in my case it was because DH didn't earn enough for me to stay at home and he didn't want to stay at home. I have always been the main earner. And beleive me I hated it for years - but there was no choice. Now I am very happy with my life but I wasn't always. Being told that I was in some way inadequate and selfish for WOH whilst I was already unhappy made me very miserable and incredibly angry!

And I know many WOHM with young DC who struggle financially. They aren't funding an extravagant lifestyle. Having a partner earning enough to enable you to stay home is a fucking luxury and it makes me so mad to hear people telling me that if we just cut back on the luxuries I could have afforded it! That is simply bollocks!

violethill · 19/09/2009 17:19

Well said OrmIrian. IMO, any family who can afford to have one parent at home are comparatively well off. They may be cutting back, they may liv fairly frugally etc etc but they are still pretty fortunate to have the choice.

I'm thankful I enjoy my work and always wanted to work - but that's not the case for everyone.

I take my hat off to working parents - they do a damned hard job.

AnnieLobeseder · 19/09/2009 17:37

There seem to be women in 4 states of being...

  • SAHMs who like being at home and are there as a choice
  • SAHMs who don't like being at home but can't afford to work due to high cost of childcare
  • WOHMs who like working and either have older DCs or a decent enough salary to be able to pay for childcare or family who can help so they can afford to work, though are often earning a pittance
  • WOHMs who would rather be at home but need to work to pay the bills.

So there are happy and unhappy mums on both sides of the fence, and some who fit more than one category, such as part-time mums.

If you're in one of the happy categories, count yourself lucky, and if not, I hope things come together for you so you can do what you'd rather be doing.

AnnieLobeseder · 19/09/2009 17:38

Disclaimer: I meant mums who work part time, not part-time mums, because yes, I know, we're all full-time mums!

kittycatty · 19/09/2009 18:00

ormIrian- i treated all my parents with recpect!
If you had read my post you would of seen i went to the shops and got nappies, baby milk. Took clothes back etc for the parents who didnt have time. I bathed their kids when they were running late.
I took the kids home when parent was sent home from work ill and bought milk on the way for her.

I didnt moan when they were 70minutes late collecting their child and I had to cancel my plans. I didnt complain when they paid me late and gave the most pathetic excuses. Just because i feel a young child would be better at home with a parent for the first few years does not mean i hated the parents. In fact i made their life easier.