To expect people not to stare - aren't we all taught that it's rude?

[sickofsocalledexperts]

I have an autistic son, and sometimes when we are out and about he makes funny noises, or movements, or has a meltdown. It's pretty obvious that he's not just a "naughty" kid as he is too big not to be talking by now. Yet people just gawp and stare - making it 100 times worse. It happened in Clarks the other day, with literally 5 mums and their kids staring at us. I felt like standing up and making an announcement - "my son is autistic, it is a condition he was born with and I am trying extremly hard to get him to behave better, 24 hours a day, but if you wouldn't mind, you all staring at him like he's some kind of fucking zombie, isn't helping, nor are you teaching your own children much compassion or courtesy." I remember being taught it's rude to stare - is that lesson out of fashion nowadays?

ohthought i had read somewhere on a previous thread that your dh has MS. Think muddled you up!
Not being offensive- hope you didn't think that? just also have MS but luckily only affects face, arms and sight v rarely legs so no chair.

I don;t comment when people stare any more becuase of the amount of aprents of disabled children who have commented when ds1 stares- tehy cannot tell he has ASD and get all shirty!

Adults though get snarky comments made- 'you should try getting a TV love, far more exciting'- etc

n, its me with ms and dd with CP

Oh another one I find handy and non confrontational- I just look at DH and say 'at least here we know nobody minds because everyone can tell he has SN' in a REALLY loud chirpy voice- worked in Church al;st week.

bentnech- my best feinds Mum had early onset dementia (she died before she was 50) and they became exiles from their village as people would not accept she wasn't responsible for her behaviout- my friend and her sister were treatd like dirt, friend lost her job there- everything. Horrid

I wish you both well

(Oh and she didnt die of that BTW in case I scared you- breast cancer)

Riven we had a lady who turned around and walked backward to continue gawping in a department store (while pointing my son out to her companions). She fell up the escalator.

I have developed quite a good technique where you turn and look straight into the starer's eyes, with a polite yet questioning smile, as if to say "I'm sorry, did you need something from me as you appear to have been staring at me for some time". they look away embarrassed. But then sometimes I do not have the politeness thing going on, and tend to scream my head off at them about their ignorance and how they should educate themselves about special needs.

Not quite the same thing but some idiot in a souped-up Corsa turned his head nearly 180 degrees to gawp at me today when I was out running (yes, he was driving). I smiled very politely and nicely at him, while sticking one finger up, of course.

that might be the most succinct way to deal with the starers - the single digit approach!

ds tells the kids that stare that dd isn't intereted as they are too ugly.
he once said hell micheal Jackson(this was when the trial was going on) to a grown man who stared,

That's quite a good one 2shoes - say very loudly "that adult appears to be staring at my child, does that seem odd to anyone here?". Probably only works with men though, and I find it's almost always the other women.

My DH has a very scarey " is there a question you wish to ask us" which is surprisingly effective.
DS1 sticks to " he is autistic but at least he isn't a rude tosser".

I very rarely react at all now. Had it too long I guess. If it is bad I find waving, blowing kisses and winking scares the crap out of them. I sometimes go and stand right next to them and chat.

When my DD was a tiny baby she was obviously not well. I was gobsmacked at the number of random strangers who thought it a good idea to approach an exhausted new mother with an obviously frail baby and ask questions:

What is wrong with her?
Was she prem?
She is so unbelievably tiny, I've never seen such a tiny baby, will she be okay, what happened?
She is very yellow, you need to get that looked at...

YANBU

Thanks BethNoire...dad actually has Huntington's Disease which causes uncontrollable muscular movements, stumbling and clumsiness, lack of concentration and short term memory lapses, depression and changes of mood, sometimes including agressive or antisocial behaviour.

To anyone that did not know the diagnosis I am sure that dad would appear to be drunk as his speech is very slurred and he staggers/swerves when walking. So...maybe the neighbours thought he was drunk and had fallen rather than the truth which was that he was seriously ill. But even if he was drunk that doesn't make him a side-show for the neighbourhood...maybe a quick peek through the net curtains but NEVER come outside and watch a distressed man running away from his daughters.

What your friends experienced is similar to our experience...dad has been reported to the police for having tv on early morning when he is not aware of the time. And the dog warden for dropping his filled bag of poo. And the local MP for not cutting his hedge despite the fact that there is no requirement in law for him to do so...but he does not have the capacity to compromise and agree a reduced height. And he cannot cope with change and needs things just the way they are.

I notice a big difference in the way people react to his illness as opposed to my mum who died of breast cancer nearly two years ago. With mum people were sympathetic and always asked after her with genuine concern. Dad's illness is not well understood and people react much more negatively to him.

Thanks again for your kind wishes...

sickofsocalledexperts

Sorry to hear that OP. I also have a son who is autistic (he's 11 and a half).

I have said on a number occasions, when my son has had a 'tantrum' and won't stop "this performance is just to whett your appetite, full viewing will be at 7.00".

I think the comments that really got to me were the women who rooted to the spot staring as ds1 knocked me out after a sudden change of routine whilst shopping,rather than help me up (I had ds3 on rens as well and he was very little)- didn't expect her to intervene BTW, just NOT bloody stare!

The bloke in IKEA some time back who told ds3 to fuck off and me that I was lying when ds3 accidentally stumbled in front of his wheelchair; I said sorry and explained he had learning difficulties (no dx then)- but then you get tosers in all walks of life.

The aldies who made really nasty comments about me having ds3 on reind (this amde the toddler book) at a carnival with 12 tonne generators around and made me cry

And the lady ( earlier post reminded me of this) who insisted on following me and tiny but well ds1 around Wilkinsons beofre stopping us, saying she knew a lot about premmie babies (he wasn't, had IUGR) and wanted to know 'is he going to live'- as if I;d ahve been wanderinga round shopping in winter with a dying baby

All well known MN stories but all horrible at the time. I don't have loads of confidence even though I can fake it if needed, and it does upset me.

YANBU, I know it's not quite the same, but DS was born with extra fingers & toes and had plastic surgery before his first birthday to remove them. He has plastercast on up to his armpits and his groin, people stared and I found that so much more upsetting than the operation itself. I also got asked if he'd been burned

It's a natural reaction to look, but rude to stare.

Get him one of these confrontational but effective?

Those t-shrts are fab; ds's have something similar and if they wear it I can GUARANTEE they won't have a bad day and people will satre at me instead thinking I have put an NT child in one as a joke.

We don't get stared at too often when out with DD2 but as she has no spatial awareness at all and is incredibly clumsy she is a bit like a human pinball. I find people watching her in concern as she cannons off walls/people/cars etc - maybe they think I give her Bacardi instead of milk on her cereal?

The only time I can remember getting really pissed off and commenting to someone was when we were out to dinner at a Harvester. DD2 was tucking in to her dinner and she is really quite messy as she mostly finger feeds. A couple opposite us were staring at her with faces like this --> so I called over to them "hey, dinner and a show, what more could you want? Never seen a disabled child eating before?"

I know it was a bit rude but I had had enough!

lol at the 'disabled child eatng'. You should experince the sudden hush when we get dd's tube feed out, expose her tummy, attatch the tube to her button and fill the syringe.
Rock stars pay for this sort of sttention

What should we say to our children? Mine stare in astonishment at older kids in wheelchairs, or those with other clear physical disabilities. I tell them not to stare and say things like: "her legs don't work the same way as yours, so she goes in the chair instead of walking", but I'm always afraid of saying something offensive. So far I have no close friends or relatives with SN or unusual behaviours.

say what you are saying. Explain that everyone is different. There's nothing wrong with using a hwelchair instead of legs and that its rude to stare. Kids should be taught it is rude to stare.
To be honest, I usually ignore kids under 5 who gawp but older children and adults have no excuse.

I don't know Riv, if someone gawped at us and they were a child I would asume that they had some kind of asd or LD- I might be wrong 98% of the time, but for a child i'd rather be wrong that cause upset. DS1 loves to just stand and stare at people for any kind of reason, he was asking about a baby with an NG tyube in Asda the other day and I was trying to xplain- then he came out with something totally inappropriate.Obv. I made it clear that wasn't ok, but it is a part of his dx and he doesn't have the Aspie tattoo on his head that sometimes I think might help!

Adults I am usually happier to jusge- an adult without a carer is able to have learned not to stare even if takes some work.