To expect people not to stare - aren't we all taught that it's rude?

[sickofsocalledexperts]

I have an autistic son, and sometimes when we are out and about he makes funny noises, or movements, or has a meltdown. It's pretty obvious that he's not just a "naughty" kid as he is too big not to be talking by now. Yet people just gawp and stare - making it 100 times worse. It happened in Clarks the other day, with literally 5 mums and their kids staring at us. I felt like standing up and making an announcement - "my son is autistic, it is a condition he was born with and I am trying extremly hard to get him to behave better, 24 hours a day, but if you wouldn't mind, you all staring at him like he's some kind of fucking zombie, isn't helping, nor are you teaching your own children much compassion or courtesy." I remember being taught it's rude to stare - is that lesson out of fashion nowadays?

agree 2shoes. I think parents who don't teach kids about kindness/courtesy/respect for differences/tolerance etc aren't actually parenting at all - they're just childminding the next generation of thugs and bigots!

My youngest has only got one ear and when she was a baby - and didn't have long hair - not that I try to hide it, but the hair does cover it, one stupid woman looked and pulled her daughter away, muttering and pointing. I was incensed (particularly as this was in a HOSPITAL!) so I smiled nicely and said 'it's ok, it's not catching - not like stupidity is probably genetic'. Don;t know where I got that from but it seemed to work

that is a good line. I also like the one about we're all just one car crash away from a disability. Not nice, I know, but it brings home the point that you can't help the way you are.

YANBU at all

DS2 has ASD and gets stared at a lot, usually when he is being a dog, drinking out of puddles or running around flapping his arms wildly.

Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't. I just wish I could have a quirky responce to say when I am having a bad day.

How about

"move along please, there's nothing to see here"

I tell my dcs straight away I don't wait to get home. We talk about differences in the way bodies work.

The 'starers' stare at anyone though, if my dd has a mini tantrum, anything. I just smile and wave, sometimes my DH tells me I will get punched when I smile at a very rough group of starers....

'A look is one thing Jasmeen - but would you think it's ok to stare for 10 mins at a mum whose kid has a disability. Would it be different if the kid is in wheelchair, and thus with a more "visible" disablity. Is that ok, because the wheelchair is unusual?'

we get stared at all the time. The full open mouth and turning head to continue gawping. Its very wearing.

And the thing that bugs me is that my boy, being autistic, has none of the worse qualities of the human race (spite, envy, aggression, snobbery, boastfulness, bullying) yet he's the one that these ignorant fuckers look down on. When they move their kids away from us, thinking they are doing it subtly, I feel like saying that statistically my child has way more to fear from their child than vice versa.

Do people really do that THEDMSHOULDberivened? I cannot believe they actually turn and gawp just because of the wheelchair. Suburbs not London I'm guessing?
Small, narrow-minded community?

oh too true, dd doesn't do nasty(although her brother is trying to teach her) yet omg people think she is a shame.
riven we have had that, people turning round to stare. it is beyond a joke at times.

city experts. We feel like a freak show.

I totally agree that allowing your children to stare is wrong and rude. Children will stare but its up to us to educate them.

But ironically I have a son with SN and it is very difficult to explain things to him. He looks older than he is but his behaviour is much younger. So he may well look like a rude brat who hasnt been taught any manners.

He also has severe eczema so gets stared at a fair amount himself.

He has pointed and shouted 'whats wrong with her face?' on occasion and he will not be quietened. Far from being ok with this I am absolutly mortified. It is not always possible or appropriate to explain 'he has a LD'. Anyway even if the parent/child/individual understood it is still one more time they have had to deal with this nonsense.

He is getting better as he gets older and his understanding improves. But for a long while I was very nervous about him upseting someone.

I suppose because I know what its like to be on the end of that stare and its not nice. DD was a wheelchair user during her illness and pretty obviously had cancer. The staring and whispering upset us both - a lot. DS having SN and severe eczema means he has been stared at, tutted at often and of course there are always those people who feel the need to say 'you child has eczema' or share their 'cures' with you.

chegirl if a child(or older looking child) did that I would assume they also had sn, and probally smile at them.

Yes don't you just love those 'Yes my grandads friends bridge partners dog has excema and we found that xyz etc helped' chegirl?
As if perhaps you hadn't considered doing something about it???

Riven- is it your DH that is in the chair?

chegirl, Oh you are right, I had forgotten about the tutters, often old ladies who see my son and immediately think "kids today, don't know how to behave, in my day a quick clip round the ear with an iron bar did the trick...etc etc yawn". The trouble is that there is no way of explaining my DS to them, without a full slide show and dictionary definition of the word "autism" to hand. Anyway, they'd just think - "ooh, one of them made-up diseases they use to get kids more time in exams nowadays, read about it in my Daily mail! A quick slap round the head with a cosh sorted out this so called ADHD malarkey in my day...etc etc ad nauseam!"

My dad has an illness that causes early onset dementia style symptoms...he is only in his fifties.
Last week I found him wandering in the street lost and his face was all cut and bleeding...we think he fell off his bike. He wouldn't stay in my house because he couldn't remember that I lived there. So he kept trying to run away down my path and my sister and were trying to block his exit.
All the while my neighbours were leaning against their fence watching and tutting that he was a stubborn one! They had actually come out their front doors to stand where they could see better.

When the ambulance arrived the paramedics were tring to coax dad into the house to allow them to assess his injuries. The paramedic said in a really loud voice...'come on inside mr x because you have an audience. You don't want to be giving people something to watch'. The paramedics said to me that their jobs are made much harder by people who stand in the way just to get a better look.

Anyway dad then collapsed and had to be bluelighted to the hospital...again with the neighbours watching. Now, if I thought that they were genuinely concerned about dad's well-being I could live with it. But a week has passed and they have not once asked me how dad is...despite seeing me in the garden most days.

see I am lucky, dd is in a wheelchair, so they can see that she is a burden. they then say oh what is wrong with her!!!!!!!!(wrong with my darling ffs she is beautiful) and when I say CP, oh it's a shame!!!
yikes old people

bentneck, you live round some NASTY people. I think some people have watched so much horror on films and TV, and have such pea brains to start with, that they no longer have any empathy for real-life actual pain. I well remember watching the second plane going into the World Trade Centre live on TV at work, and some fucking numbskull going "whooo" when the plane crashed in, like he'd just scored max points on some video game. Human beings (or some of them) are not very nice creatures.

sickofsocalledexperts...I live in what could be classed as a 'nice area'. My neighbours are probably in their seventies and 'fine upstanding members of the community'. Until there is a drama on their doorstep.

I heard a rather interesting debate on the radio with a man with no arms, I think his mother had taken an anti sickness drug when pg. ANyway he talked about how he felt when people stared and how different cultures react differently to disability. Brits are supposed to be a lot less blatant then you all experience, perhaps we have changed a lot in the last few years.

As a very observant person, large breasts, wonky eye, small ears, very long hair, bright green eyes (you name it and I will already have noticed) I always see a family with an SN child and smile. I always hope they don't think it's one of 'poor you'.

Good God that didn't read well, I always notice most people.....

'Riven- is it your DH that is in the chair?'

tis me and dd.

That's a big chair!