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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its inappropriate for MIL to say to DH.....

79 replies

melonian · 15/09/2009 20:53

..."Don't forget, you were mine before you were anyone else's" - in front of me!
DH thinks this is a reasonable thing to say - I think she is bonkers and needs to let go and get a life.

Was chatting with her recently about DS (18m) and she said "I bet you'll be saying that to him now" I said hmm I might think it but would not say it out loud, to which she replied "Huh well I'll say it to him (my DS) as well then" - wtf? She already calls him "my baby" which drives me insane too.

Anyway, surely I am right - this is OTT isn't it. Please help me open DH's eyes to her looniness

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 16/09/2009 15:15

My mum calls both ds's her babies. she is away atm and calls everyday to see how her boys are.....she knows they are mine really.

pranma · 16/09/2009 15:21

Oh come on you are mothers too.Of course your dcs are 'yours'first you feed them,change them comfort them and then let them go.It doesnt mean you werent first just because they love a partner now.I used to say to my dd[35]"I grew you from a seed" when she had teenage strops.We laugh about it now.You dont need to insecure because he has a loving mum.I bet you will want your dc to love you when they grow up.

whoisasking · 16/09/2009 15:27

I call my 9 year old son "the baby"

Interesting thread. I have 2 DS' and I know that our relationship will inevitably change when they get married and......I guess part of the issue is that, generally, daughters tend to stay closer to their mum's. So, the loss feels greater IYKWIM. I'm not articulating myself very well. I'm sure that my future DIL will turn to her mother for help rather than to me. Which is natural, and right, but it does leave me wondering where I will fit into my DS' lives once they have......moved on their lives.

So, in conclusion, YABU for calling your MIL "bonkers" and a "loony"

LadyOfTheFlowers · 16/09/2009 15:36

LOL - Sounds like my MIL.

The best I have had out of her was when I was in hosp after delivering DS2 and was heamorraging (sp?) to the point Docs were considering a hysterectomy there and then as they couldn't stop it.

DH stayed with me (obviously) and called his mother about 10 hours after DS was born to tell her the news etc.
To which she replied:

'You mean to tell me, that baby has been born over 10 hours and you are only just calling me now?'

(DH then explains situation....'I thought it was more important to stay with LOTF..')

She replies..... wait for it.....

'We obviously have very different ideas about what is important, don't we?!'

BITCH.

more · 16/09/2009 15:47

ohh get it right woman, "It seems that your son knows that..." should read "It seems that your husband knows that..."

slushy06 · 16/09/2009 15:51

My MIL is funny she has 3 kids 2 ds and 1 dd yet for some reason is only like it with my dp (he was the baby) at BIL wedding she asked to look at what I was wearing and then went and changed the top she bought and refused to let anyone see the dress she had bought imagine my surprise when she turned up wearing a dress exactly the same as mine only higher bust line.

I wasn't offended though as she really looked silly 52 year old wearing a dress a 21 year old picked. I agree with others who said try to understand it really is quite sad really that they are clinging like that they must be lonely. I hope I don't do that to my dc.

Morloth · 16/09/2009 15:56

I can understand feeling that way about my DS but not actually saying it. Thankfully my MIL is excellent and views me as very much on her children now.

My mum still calls me "bub" sometimes. She forgets that I am 32, married, living abroad with a child of my own, cause she is my MUM!

slushy06 · 16/09/2009 15:59

LOTF
We also had a tantrum on my dd birth as MIL was not notified till the morning yet to be fair I was unsure I was in labor all day. Then at 12 I realised we needed to go up now dd born at 1.45 but I was in too much pain for dp to leave me and when he got home ds was awake and upset.

She swallowed this after alot of argument but literally jumped up and down screaming when she discovered my 8 year old sister got to see the baby before her.

She even got SIL and BIL to have a go about how unfair we had been.

ProfYaffle · 16/09/2009 16:15

Springysponge - my mil did that too, didn't speak to me at all on our wedding day, no 'congratulations', 'you look nice', "no thanks, tarra, nor kiss me arse nor nowt" as my old Nan used to say.

MermaidSpam · 16/09/2009 16:16

Good lord, there's a lot of them about. My MIL rang my Mum on the night of our wedding crying that she'd lost her son. DH's brother is now 18 and wants to join the army; she said "over my dead body" (kind of understand that part) and "if you ever think you're even moving out you're mistaken".

She wasn't kidding

ChoChoSan · 16/09/2009 17:50

Dp and I have no kids, but his mum can be a bit odd..we get on okay, but don't have a 'chatty' type relationship. She lives quite a way away and I think she might not be the most gregarious person in the world...she did not ask me one question about myself when we first met - not even what job I did, where did I come from etc..

I had a miscarriage earlier this year (after 3 years of trying to conceive), and she 'passed on' commiserations via DP. When I got pregnant again and she did not even say congratulations (in the 10 weeks before I miscarried again)! DP thought she probably felt a bit awkward after first M/c, but I still think it was weird.

She is by no means toxic though, and is really generous...some people just different, but I would go mental if I had to put up with some of the stuff I read on here!

katiestar · 16/09/2009 18:36

YABU I am sure we will all feel like that about our DSs when they are grown up

ItsGrimUpNorth · 16/09/2009 18:54

Erm, no. I categorically will not feel that way about my DS.

I think it's bizarre!

And anyone who does feel that way is in serious need of therapy.

Mummymuppet4 · 16/09/2009 23:29

My DH is one of 4 boys and a lovely MIL but the same qualities as the above mentioned. One of the DS has made a bas mistake recently and done a deed which is quite unforgivable but she would happily forgive prodigal son and blame the DIL ( she did have a part to play)which I find quite sadand don't know how to deal with.After 20yrs I've learn't how to handle it but having 3 boys of my own hope I'm not the same x

hmc · 16/09/2009 23:42

Yes, it certainly is grim by the sound of it

Deeeja · 17/09/2009 01:36

My ex-h's mother used to say to him all the time: "you can always choose another wife, but I am always going to be your mother."
I soon discovered that he was as mad as her.

nooka · 17/09/2009 04:12

On the other hand my not-quite-MIL (she died before dh and I got married) was apparently in tears when dh and I didn't come back from university together and she thought we'd broken up! I thought that was a little odd!

JemL · 17/09/2009 04:47

My MIL cried the night before our wedding. DH was staying there, and she wasn't doing it in a sweet, few sniffles way, but in a hysterical, dramatic way. It wasn't a nice way for DH to spend the night before our wedding (as she also got drunk and moaned abut me) and I couldn't imagine being so selfish as to treat my DS like that.

risingstar · 17/09/2009 05:12

mils are always loons- we will be in a few years. my mil is a lovely loon- often says the wrong thing but she does think that we are all fab.

ignore loon words/phrases however much they irritate you!

larry5 · 17/09/2009 10:09

I have two ds who are now in their 30s. One lives with his partner and I really like her. My feeling as the boys grew up was that it was important for me to prepare them for the world as an adult and that any woman who was prepared to take them on was welcome to them! I do love my sons but they are only borrowed and I don't own them.

I also have a dd who is now 17 and whether any man will be good enough for her I don't know. I am not inconsistent am I.

lucky1979 · 17/09/2009 10:22

My best MIL story is actually my Grandma's, when she got married it was just after the war so they didn't have the fabric for a traditional wedding dress, she made a pretty floral dress from a pattern. Her MIL2B (my great grandmother) found out the material and pattern and snuck off and made herself the SAME dress and turned up on the day wearing it and refused to speak to my Gran at all. All sorts of crazy freudian stuff going on there!

BigGitDad · 17/09/2009 10:28

Out of interest are these only sons that have the crazy MIL's. By that I mean does the mother only have one son as a child hence the devotion thing? Surely if they have a number of children or boys the attention is not so concentrated?
For the record when I split up with a GF long before I got married my mother spent ages counselling the ex offering her advice. I was miffed when I found out and said but what about me? 'Oh you'll be alright, you always are was her response!!' Thanks Mum.

diddl · 17/09/2009 10:31

My MIL "competes" with me for hubby!

He doesn´t love her less since he married me (which I think is what she thinks).

But it´s a different love.

Well I hope to Göd he doesn´t want to shag his mother & spend the rest of his life with her.

titchy · 17/09/2009 10:48

I think the standard response to the possessive MIL comment should be 'Yes but he's mine now' said in a League of Gentlemen 'You're my wife now Dave' type voice

BethNoire · 17/09/2009 10:58

When I met MIL, dh was very standoffisha orund her (even though he lives there)- I actually told him he was being mean. Just very firm, inviting no ebate IYKWIM.

I soon learned why!

She is another one who sees her children as absolute posessions: she ahd no Mother herself yto role model, and the result is that DH now has no contact with her, FILleft her after 35 years of marriage and BIL is struck with her and a huge shared mortgage, she won't allow him to gave girlfriends home (FFS, he is 35!).

It got worse as time went n- she tried (and failed!) to steal centre stage at the wedding (we'd shifted the speeches around to before the emal so her palnned re-entrance post fake faintng spell was actually in a quiet Lull pmsl, and is captured on video with DH's Aunt commenting loudly 'oh I see MIL is up to her usual tricks then'- fab )

Eventually she couldn't deal with two of my boys (I have 4) having Sn and verbally abused one, so we drifted apart: when FILleft her she demanded DH return home to look after her- yes thats likely love .

We now have no contact at all- DH's choice, I did arrange a meet up last year after ds4 was born but that went badly awry. It's better this way, though BIL seems toscared of her to see us and that saddens us a lot.