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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think its inappropriate for MIL to say to DH.....

79 replies

melonian · 15/09/2009 20:53

..."Don't forget, you were mine before you were anyone else's" - in front of me!
DH thinks this is a reasonable thing to say - I think she is bonkers and needs to let go and get a life.

Was chatting with her recently about DS (18m) and she said "I bet you'll be saying that to him now" I said hmm I might think it but would not say it out loud, to which she replied "Huh well I'll say it to him (my DS) as well then" - wtf? She already calls him "my baby" which drives me insane too.

Anyway, surely I am right - this is OTT isn't it. Please help me open DH's eyes to her looniness

OP posts:
EmilyBrownlovesStanley · 15/09/2009 22:20

I can't stand these insecure, loony DILs.

SecretNinjaChipmunk · 15/09/2009 22:59

melonian my MIL calls my ds 'my baby' aswell! wtf is that about?? He's MY baby, HER grandson! i find it massivley cringeworthy. Other than that she's a bit bonkers but very well meaning but she keeps holding ds like a newborn (he's 2) and rocking him and saying 'i love my little baby' Freakish.....aybe there's something that kicks in in your system when your children partner off that makes you say completely inappropriate things?

fruitstick · 15/09/2009 23:04

I never got on very well with my MIL but she died when I was pregnant with DS1.

I now have 2 DSs and I do think we might have got on a little better now, or at least I might have understood how she felt a little more.

It is the one thing that makes me nervous about not having a daughter .... that you end up confined to the MIL loon scrap heap!

Quattrocento · 15/09/2009 23:12

I agree with Blu

ChookKeeper · 15/09/2009 23:40

When my friend got married we were all walking out of the church to get ready for the photos when her brand new MIL presented the brand new DH with a red rose tied with a black ribbon and note attached saying "there will always be a home for you with me when it all goes wrong" - nice

Funnily enough it did all go wrong but that was 'cos he couldn't keep it in his trousers

womblingfree · 15/09/2009 23:51

Custy - love the self-edit button idea. Unfortunately if my MIL had one of those she'd be rendered permanently mute!

hmc · 15/09/2009 23:55

I do feel sorry for MILs in general (although I think your MIL is inappropriate and childish + tactless to say this to her son and your dh, OP).

On balance I doubt wives can love their husbands as much as their mothers do - a mothers love tends to be unconditional whereas that of a wife is not (I speak of course as both a wife and a mother )...but that's not to say that the mother is more important in the sons life - of course not, it's just that it is personally quite sad for the mother that she evidently isn't any longer. It must feel like a loss

Also mothers do have to let go of their sons and realise that their sons wife and children are going to be the priority from now on - which is absolutely how it should be, but still quite hard to bear?

My ds comes in to our bedroom in the morning and comes over and hugs me like his life depends upon it. That's all going to be gone at some point and I'm already mourning!

I do want to shake mumsnetters (not you OP - I think your MIL does need a gag) and ask them to have a heart - they will be a MIL one day.

Incidentally - I have no fears over my dd. Girls tend to be more constant in their affections....and don't swap one great love for another. Must be multi-tasking!

seeker · 15/09/2009 23:56

Cut her some slack. She carried him, bore him and raised him - and he's left her for another woman. What harm does it do you?

hmc · 15/09/2009 23:57

Seeker said it more succinctly

hmc · 15/09/2009 23:58

Is it very wrong to hope that my ds will grow up gay?

seeker · 16/09/2009 00:04

My ds came out to me in Reception. AND the mother of his inamorato at the time is a wonderful woman - we were so excited. We imagined an old age of cruises and fabulous meals in stylish dining rooms together. Unfortunately, now he's in year 4, he's got any eye for the ladies, so all our plans have turned to dust.

cathcat · 16/09/2009 00:09

Chookkeeper that's awful!

cherryblossoms · 16/09/2009 02:38

I'm with hmc, Blu, seeker and others on this one.

Dc1 went off to secondary school this month and the thought of him going off into the world had me thinking ... .

I just realised that I do love my dc unconditionally and no-one else will. Which is a thing that is undoubtedly a good thing. It would be wrong and not terribly healthy for us to love other adults unconditionally and likewise for them to love us in such a way.

Still, it really drove home the fact that marital love is necessarily limited - though that is, of course, a good thing. (Note how I have to keep on saying that ...)

nooka · 16/09/2009 05:24

I would think that was a pretty weird and rather oppressive thing to say to your child at any age! And what about his dad? My dh woudl be very unhappy if I claimed our children like that.

I love watching my children become more and more independent, and I hope they choose lovely partners who make them very happy. I don't think parents always do offer unconditional love in any case - I was certainly quite aware that my mother didn't like me very much for years (I'm sure she loved me, but that didn't really help to be honest).

I watched Mamma Mia with my lovely daughter the other day, and whilst "Slipping through my fingers" is a lovely song, I really don't feel that way about either of my children.

Oh, and I don't think calling your child "baby" is very healthy beyond toddlerdom.

HarlotOTara · 16/09/2009 06:21

Having daughters I do not have the experience of the relationship that mothers of sons have. I wanted daughters and love them more than anything. However my friends who have sons (and my eldest is now 19) letting go of them seems far harder than it is for me. That is not to say I don't love my dd (ie. 19 and off to university)but I don't think of it as lettting go, just another phase in her and my relationship. I have a friend whose son is the same age as my daughter and she is really upset at him going to uni this weekend. In fact when she found out that her younger ds (17 almost 18) had sex with his girlfriend she was really upset and made a real mess of dealing with it. My dd and her ds were boyfriend and girlfriend 2 years ago. She was quite off with my dd for a while (dd and I talked about this and I said she was feeling threatened) when they broke up his mother was better with my dd. However I have never told her they had sex (first time for both) as not my place to say so but also knew she would find it hard. DD and her son are still really good and close friends which is great.

My mother was and still is very enmeshed with my db and didn't have a good relationship with her mil, my grandmother, so I find this mother son realtionship very interesting- I think my mum ws jealous of herMIL. I am sad that I didn't know my grandmother better and my view of her is very coloured by my mother's although I am old enough to realise that that view might not be the only picture.

I am now a step-MIL which is also a complex scenario. However as I am a fairly young one (in my head maybe) and am only 18 years older than my SDS I have never felt that I need to be his mum - he lived with us but has a mother. We get on well and he is part of my family but not my son (was a big teen when we lived together) if that makes sense. Step-son and wife are expecting first child so I am quite interested in the whole set up of MIL and DIl. I haven't quite worked out where I will fit in as there are two grandmothers so I see myself as a supportive friend if I am allowed. As I still have a youngish dd (12) I have no desire to set myself up as a rival although secretly smile at the stuff I am told will happen when the baby is born (probably said similar myself). AM happy to be supportive but have no desire to interfere or babysit at the moment but that is probably because my DH and I rarely go out as we still have a young one who can't be left in the evening. Going out is still a treat for us.

Gosh have written a lot!

Original poster
melonian · 16/09/2009 11:32

Thanks for your replies.

To clarify, I'm happy that my DH has a close relationship with his mum, and I have no desire to take him away from her - he was away at Uni when we met. I certainly don't feel the need to compete for DH's affections, and clearly he loves us both in totally different ways - I hope! I make loads of effort to make sure we see her regularly as she won't drive on motorways, so rarely comes to us, and she is fab with DS and I try to promote that relationship as well.

I just feel that many of her comments are totally inappropriate and that she is far too needy and intrusive. Basically she is living her life through our family, and I wish she would get one of her own. Prob getting on my nerves more than usual as am PG and just want to nest with my family. Thanks for the space to rant.

OP posts:
womblemeister · 16/09/2009 11:39

TaylorSwift, I actually know of one MIL who told her DIL she would have preferred her son to live at home with her for ever, rather than get married. Weird, with bells on.

indiechick · 16/09/2009 12:01

It's classic mothers and sons. Weird relationship. My MIL also wore all black for the wedding. She looked ridiculous.

beaniesinthebucketagain · 16/09/2009 12:03

OMG your talking about my mil, you must be!!!

TheBalladofGayTony · 16/09/2009 12:10

father daughters are teh same. i have overheard dh telling dd fairy tales and editing the ending so the princess decided to stay with her daddy for ever.

jumble · 16/09/2009 12:23

My FIL remarried ages ago and I felt a bit odd about his wife calling my DD's 'her girlies'. I bit my lip and to my joy, last time they said it as we arrived, as in "hello, how are my girlies?" the 5yo said loudly, "we're not your girlies, we're mummy and daddy's girlies!" Thank you God!

WinkyWinkola · 16/09/2009 12:40

I think it's a very odd thing to say to your child, particularly a grown up son/daughter.

It's a strange perspective to have on 'owning' your child.

I'd feel very suffocated, I think, if my mother or father spoke like that about me. I'd run a mile! It's not really the sign of a healthy, balanced relationship imho.

It's not as if the relationship between husband and wife and mother and son is even comparable. They have (I would hope!) very different functions and respond to very different instincts in a person.

Melonian, I wouldn't bother even trying to persuade your DH that it's a weird thing to say.

Your MIL is a bit possessive perhaps? Extremely annoying and pathetic of her but there's not much you can do about it unless you want to respond with, "Oh, did you carry him? Give birth to him and bf him? Then he's not your baby, I'm afraid," in response to her "my baby" statements about your DS. I think that would give far too much importance to what your MIL thinks though.

You could make a joke about it all and just say, "Oh yes, I'm just the stand in. I do my very best to meet previous standards but heigh ho," Or, just ignore the silly old goat.

pinknosedevereux · 16/09/2009 12:54

My mil needed sedatives when we eloped!(apparently)I don't think she's ever forgiven me. Luckily they live very far away, but when they visit it's like I just don't exist. it's weird I like my Mum but I'd rather be with my dh and dc.

OrmIrian · 16/09/2009 12:56

He's not 'hers' or 'yours'.

more · 16/09/2009 13:14

Oh crap, I am probably going to end up like that. I do need an edit button. I say it because I love him. It is meant as a sign of affection. I will now know that I am offending other people (and most importantly future partners/dil) by doing it . However I have the advantage that I don't do it in English but in "my" language.

It seems like your son knows that his mother loves him, and you love him and you both (you and your mil) have a good relationship with him. You all love your baby. I must admit I would find it easier to say I love my little baby munchkins rather than I love my little grandchild baby munchkins. Again this would not mean that I don't know you gave birth to the baby.