My 73 year old mother in law childcare part 2 - need the same straight talking please

[clemette]

Some of you may remember me posting about my MiL who has my children for one day a week each and who, until a couple of weeks ago was completely diregarding anything I said about food/routines/swimming/parenting in general.
Well DH actually built up the courage to say something and things settled down - to the point where we had a successful holiday all together last week. DH had persuaded me to give it another go (if you remember I was all for increasing their time at nursery).
Anyway, when I collected 4.5 year old DD today she told me that her granny had had a nap after lunch while DD watched TV. DD is a sensible little thing (and a TV addict so she probably wouldn't have moved) but I feel incensed that MiL thinks this is OK (I asked her about it and she just said "I slept while she watched TV").
Is this (yet again) me being unreasonable because of my tense relationship with her (and the fact that I would rather her NOT look after them for so much time) or would you be cross too?

That is why I ask here. Because I am not happy with it I am prone to seeing the things she does as damaging in some way, but am fully conscious that I am probably being completely over the top. That is why rational responses help!

oh come on!book a nursery place and end it then

if you dont like the arrangement you are the parent and have the authority to determine who watches your child

so big row.well you will all get over it

if it means yiu get the childcare you want you need to dig in

ie - it is a geunine AIBU query rather than an attempt to validate how I feel.

What your MIL wants re childcare for your kids is irrelevent though. Her opinion should never even have been asked for, and she should have been told this if she offered it. You and the children's father are the only ones who have to agree.

clemette - havng read the thread I agree with your feeling - you just need to up the nursery care and stop MIL caring for the children. She might have a strop in the short-term but her caring for your DCs is causing trouble all the time.

You know you are being precious about the nap thing. It's not surprising she is tired - my mother and MIL both need a nap when caring for my 2 DCs and they are both only in their 50s and very fit and energetic!

The main issue is that you are not happy with MIL caring for the children. You cannot let her care for them if this is the case because otherwise it may end up becoming such a big issue that the relationships - you and MIL, you and DH, DCs and you, DCs and MIL, DH and MIL all suffer or are damaged.

In short, I don't think it matters whether you are being unreasonable about this particular issue or not, it only matters that you are not happy with the current situation and need to change it to protect the relationships. You just need to find some way of explaining it to MIL that will cushion her upset in some way.

Hahaha at multitasking, LovelyTinOfSpam! I presume this ought to be on the thread about 'awful things that happen in other people's houses' - cooking on the lavatory, whatever next!

2rebecca, whilst I understad you are talking about the ideal, I am trying to work within the parameters of our reality. In this particular family dynamic I can't just tell her to back off. She has only one child, only two grandchildren and it would hurt her beyond measure if I just said she couldn't have a say.
But curioisty is right (as she was last time when I was meandering through this). I need to find a way to get out of this situation without causing hurt.

with all due respect grow a spine,assert your wishes

thank mum profusely and move on

I pay for childcare and use my mum as backup> she isn'thappy to do anymore but neither am i.

Keep her sweet for emergencies

Or, on the other hand, allow dd to spend a few more gentle lazy days with grandma. She might watch too much TV, she might eat too much rubbish, but she'll have happy memories. It's one day a week!

With all due respect back scottishmummy you seem to be saying she isn't doing anything wrong yet I should just "grow a spine" and tell her that she isn't allowed to do the thing that brings her the most joy.
It isn't about being spineless, it is about working out that perhaps MY preferences shouldn't necessarily overrule the feelings of others.
I am still uncomfortable and would like to end her formal involvement but I will not stamp all over her. While she irritates me she is DH's beloved mother and my children's beloved grandmother. Now I just have to figure out how to do it.
2shoots - my own mum is the same as yours and that is a much more comfortable situation for me.

look you bellyache you dont like grans care,dont want her and have hump when understandably told so deal with it?

put up with grans care, naps and all
or change it

but gurning and moaning about what she does/doesn't do to your expectationsis ungracious

~I think you need to think "Does she do anything actively dangerous or damaging?" If the answer is "no" then I would stick with the arrangement. The disruption and upset if you change it won't be worth it.

And having a nap while a child watches TV is perfectly normal, safe behaviour. Honest.

I haven't got the hump. I am genuinely asking for people's views on this.
But I wouldn't want people to think she is an old hag who I can just tell to piss off. She is a kind, well-meaning woman who rubs me up the wrong way, but my priority is what is best for my children not what is best for me.
But surely I am allowed somewhere to unload?
That is why I say this is a genuine AIBU question.

clemette person painting a poor picture of gran is you

you repeatedly assert not happy don't want this aggrieved she naps

the ambivalence and consternation is yours

maybe some choice's
1 maintain status quo
2 change it

Thanks seeker. You are perfectly right of course - in the grand scheme of things it is 13 more lazy days (though I have just had MiL on the phone telling me how unhappy she is that I have arranged for a childminder to do 2 drop offs and pick ups a week come January. I stuck to my guns though!)

clemette, I remember your last thread, your MiL is the vigorous ex-PE teacher who emotionally blackmailed you into this arrangement and since then has been playing power games, right? I particularly loved her telling your mum not to tell you things, because what you don't know won't hurt you - and the things not to tell you were the things concerning her deliberately going against your wishes with the DCs .

Even so, I don't think it's too unreasonable to nap in the daytime, my mum does it but she's wide awake at the first unusual sound. I doubt if your DD will suffer in any way. You say she's sensible, she'll know to wake granny.

Maybe you could even use this gently to get what you want - take the "it's too much for you, I can't bear to wear you out" tack.

My eldest was the first grandchild on both sides. I still didn't ask anyone except my husband's opinion on childcare and if other relatives had given theirs they would have been told we would decide and thank you for offering.
Not having many people in your family doesn't give you the right to tell parents how to look after their children. I don't expect to be telling my kids how to look after theirs. Offering to look after grandkids is one thing, insisting on looking after them is another and shows a bossy, domineering nature that would make me avoid having them look after my kids.

And of course your opinion on how your child is looked after is more important than your MILs and your preferences on this should overule hers. She's had her kids. Parental responsibility has that name for a reason.

"Offering to look after grandkids is one thing, insisting on looking after them is another and shows a bossy, domineering nature that would make me avoid having them look after my kids."
Exactly my feelings, but that doesn't make it simple to get out of it now we are in it. And responses on this thread and the last one have seemed to suggest that my preferences (no sweets, no napping, no messing with DS's routines) are unrealistic expectations to place on her and therefore I shouldn't automatically "overule" her.

Your posts seem to indicate there is a need for a battle - I want to avoid this for Mil's, DHs and DCs benefit. If that means I have to accept it not being "perfect" for a couple of months, the wise women of MN have helped me see that that isn't a disaster!

"I have never had a nap or left her in another room. I think this is largely because she is like a limpet (always has been) and so refuses to be on her own! If I am cooking she is with me, and if I am on the loo she is with me (sadly). "

you need to work on this. the child is 4 and a half and you have never left her in another room. This takes PFB to an extreme I have never before contemplated

clemette - I think posting on AIBU is where you went wrong here (I have made the same mistake before lol)!

I understand what you mean about family politics. My mum is like your MIL. She introduced DS to swords and guns when she knew I didn't want her too (kept them banned from her own son till he was 8), she fills them full of sweets even if I am there and telling her not to, I try to keep them well-behaved and calm at family meals and she winds them up, tickles them and last time we went out was under the table with them tickling everybody's knees - including my 84 year old grandma's who was really embarrassed ! Bearing in mind this was about 9pm and they were too tired to go back to sensible once they got this hyped up! DD can take or leave gran (or anyone apart from me in fact) but DS is REALLY close to her and so constantly asks for her.

When we were going through family court and XP was having supervised contact she bullied me into letting her supervise it. I thought it would be a bad idea but she insisted and I gave in because really she was the easiest option. I had said to XP that he was not to ask for children past 3pm because the contact was difficult DS was only 18 months and dd 3 months and if he only came at 3pm it would make it hard for him and them as they'd be tired and upset going to bed and that would be the lasting memory of contact. She knew I'd said this and knew why and had seen how the children were the time he came at 3.30pm. He started calling her to arrange contact. One time he called at 4.30pm and she said "Oh you could come and see them now, we're not doing anything" I was listening and started shouting "No, I don't want him to come now" she kept offering and shushing me and then when she came off the phone she said "Oh don't worry I was only offering because I knew he wouldn't come now" I was and . How dare she think it was OK to go against a rule I had set and to take it upon herself to behave in a manipulative way with XP. This time was supposed to be about XP getting used to following simple rules and the motivation was to get him to see the children not manipulate him out of seeing them! We didn't speak for a while after this but have sorted it now.

I would never, ever rely on her for regular childcare. She is completely unable to respect things I have said or consider the consequences her actions will have on me and my family. She is a nice fun granny but her access has to be regulated for all our sakes! lol

In your situation I can see how it is vital to be political, MIL is a control freak, give her an inch, she'll take a few hundred miles. You can't stop her having involvement and don't want to because you all love her and she is part of your family. Stopping her from doing the one day a week and having a fight would not be a good idea.

I agree with what whereyouleftit said about using the nap as a reason to put the DCs in nursery care. "You are clearly getting tired having to provide childcare, I feel bad having that on my conscience, we want you to be able to be a gran and don't want to put on you." Then stand firm and repeat! Then offer alternative i.e. come and visit or take DCs out on X time to do X thing.

franklymydear I think you may have misunderstood me. I do leave her in a room on her own if I have to do something. She just follows me. It is not that she can't be without me (I spend five days a week at work) but that when I am there we are together. I don't think this is actually unusual really. It is not a problem - she is not clingy, just friendly and not keen on being on her own.

curiosity thank you for understanding where I am coming from. My own mother has serious issues and so I never allowed her to have the children regularly. I think my mistake was by thinking that MiL would be fine because she was not as bad as my mum iyswim?

clemette - It's all a learning curve, I didn't realise how controlling my own mum would be with my children until the contact things. You seem half way there to sorting it out anyway, you've figured out what you need to do just not quite how you're going to do it! I wish you well.

If it really is a case that this is just until after christmas then I would not rock the boat. DD is not at risk of harm. My mil used to look after my older 2 while I worked. I didn't agree with everything she did but bit my tongue. She was doing me a huge favour. It naturally came to an end after ds3 was born as I then worked from home. She still helps me out when ever i need it paticularly in the school holidays and they all have a fantastic relationship. Dh and I are glad we chose to keep our opinions to ourselves. She used to take them out for coffee and cake right before tea time, fill them with sugar and forget to change their nappies as often as I did. She managed to always loose things like jumpers and coats and a million other little things which generally drove us up the wall. They were however always happy and loved to bits.