Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 73 year old mother in law childcare part 2 - need the same straight talking please

79 replies

clemette · 15/09/2009 17:47

Some of you may remember me posting about my MiL who has my children for one day a week each and who, until a couple of weeks ago was completely diregarding anything I said about food/routines/swimming/parenting in general.
Well DH actually built up the courage to say something and things settled down - to the point where we had a successful holiday all together last week. DH had persuaded me to give it another go (if you remember I was all for increasing their time at nursery).
Anyway, when I collected 4.5 year old DD today she told me that her granny had had a nap after lunch while DD watched TV. DD is a sensible little thing (and a TV addict so she probably wouldn't have moved) but I feel incensed that MiL thinks this is OK (I asked her about it and she just said "I slept while she watched TV").
Is this (yet again) me being unreasonable because of my tense relationship with her (and the fact that I would rather her NOT look after them for so much time) or would you be cross too?

OP posts:
duelingfanjo · 15/09/2009 18:43

I think I remember from your other thread that she's quite a sprightly 73 year old and not the decrepid creature manyt posters seem to be assuming she is?

Are you just not too keen on her and so trying to find ways to persuade your husband that extra paid chidcare is an option? Sounds to me like he is resistant to the idea and happy for his mum to continue with the one day a week.

ssd · 15/09/2009 18:52

you need to pay for childcare and give gran a rest

oneopinionatedmother · 15/09/2009 18:53

is this what really bothers you? from the other thread it seemed more that she wanted to make out she was your childs mum (which is a bit scary and weird)

if it is just this then YABU, but then this might be just one of those tiny things that wouldn't bother you if you liked her more.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 15/09/2009 18:57

My parents have had a siesta for years - when my mum looks after DD (2) i understand she needs her nap even more than usual!

At 4.5 with a sensible DD I wouldn't mind her going up for a nap and parking DD in front of the TV.

On this single issue YABU I'm afraid.

pranma · 15/09/2009 20:44

I looked after a 2.5yr old one day a week and it was tiring.I am 65 but I never sleep in the daytime.....dgs does though Feet up and a cuppa then raring to go again.I am just starting again with his 7 month old brother.Honestly I dont really think it is ok to sleep while caring for a child but I wouldnt say anything to mil.Just tell your dd that if granny falls asleep then child is to watch tv and wake granny if she wants to do anything else at all.

ravenAK · 15/09/2009 20:54

My MIL (73) looked after dd1 twice a week brilliantly, & is now doing ONE day a week for dd2 - we mutually agreed that she's starting to find it knackering, but also loves doing it! Until recently she had dsil & dnephew living with her, which spread the load a bit.

Tbh the arrangement will come to a natural end when dd2 starts nursery in just over a year...MIL still occasionally has dd1 for a few hours, but it is getting too much for her.

I think it comes down to you making other arrangements if you aren't happy. She's doing you a favour, it's probably a bit much for her, & maybe the time has come to increase the nursery hours & gently fade out MIL's role (whilst keeping her sweet for occasional post-bedtime babysitting )

Original poster
clemette · 15/09/2009 23:13

Thanks for all of the posts - I take it all on board. She has never needed to nap before so it has come as a bit of a surprise (I know she classes as "elderly" but she has always been very active - today is the first day ever that she has let DD watch TV). DH is going to ask her if she is finding it too much. She will undoubtedly say no so I will probably end up asking my mum to go over at lunchtime to cover the naps. I know I am in a fortunate position in that they both want to be involved but it doesn't make it easy when it is obvious a change needs to be made.

I suppose it is only for 15 weeks (crokky, Notts has dual entry so she starts school in January).

Thanks again for the straight talking - it does help try and sort out what is just "my" problem with her and what is an actual problem.

OP posts:
groundhogs · 16/09/2009 09:36

Glad to hear that the issues seem to have been sorted out. I wouldn't worry about the nap, I think - understandably - you are being a little over sensitive.

See how it goes... Give it a while, a few months or so and ask MIL, to let you know if ever she thinks it's getting too much for her. Then leave it at that.

franklymydear · 16/09/2009 20:02

I know you're taking this quite well but really "so I will probably end up asking my mum to go over at lunchtime to cover the naps." is just totally barking

your child does not need watching every second of the day and somebody napping on the sofa is totally fine whilst she's watching tv for a bit

Original poster
clemette · 16/09/2009 20:09

I don't think I have reached the point where I am happy for her to be unsupervised. She never has been in her four years and I think I would have liked to be involved in the decision iyswim?
Perhaps once she goes to school I will start seeing her as more independent but, at the moment she is my PFB!

OP posts:
franklymydear · 16/09/2009 20:40

I think its rude to arrange for someone to go over to "cover" for a nap on the sofa. Unless she is alcoholic or on drugs or has sleep issues a daytime nap will be light.

Think carefully on asking your mother to cover

cory · 16/09/2009 20:46

clemette, have you never nodded off briefly, or gone to the loo and left her unsupervised, or answered the phone, or washed your hair in these 4 years?

having a light nap with her in the same room doesn't sound any more dangerous to me than being stuck in the loo doing a big poo, or having a shower, or doing some cooking in the kitchen

haventsleptforayear · 16/09/2009 20:53

oh god no don't ask your mother to cover.

If you think she's going to regularly nap (we are only talking 3 months here til Jan) then you need to tell your DD that she must stay in the same room as MIL and wake her if she needs to go to the loo or needs a drink etc.

I have a 4.5 yr old and I have been going for a sleep in the afternoons since his brother was born 2.5 yrs ago.

diddl · 16/09/2009 20:58

I think if your daughter was watching TV and MIL napping in the same room, that´s OK,as long as it is only napping and she would hear if your daughter left the room,for example.

If she´s quite heavily asleep, that´s a problem,IMO.

seeker · 16/09/2009 21:08

Does your dd never play upstairs while you are downstairs? or play in the garden while you are inside?

She's 4.5 - she doesn't need to be watched constantly! There is no harm at all in her watching tv while her grandma nods off in a chair - have you never done the same??

Horton · 16/09/2009 21:08

I do think that being on the loo with a child playing elsewhere in the house is completely different to being actually asleep because on the loo you can hear what's going on and even if you were in the middle of a huge shit, you could get to the child if they seemed distressed or there was a horrible crash or something. FWIW, I have been to the loo without my 3 year old (with the door open so I can hear her) and cooked while she plays or watches TV but I most certainly wouldn't wash my hair or have a shower unless she was in the same room as I don't think it is safe. I wouldn't be able to hear her if she was worried about something or an accident happened.

Lots of people are talking about light naps but you don't actually know if it was a light nap or she was out for the count, do you? OTOH, my aunt who has narcolepsy looks after my (v sensible) 3 year old one day a week and does nod off when they watch TV after lunch. I am confident that in her case it is a light nap and she'd wake if DD needed attention. If you are not confident that this is the case then it needs to be addressed.

If I were you, I'd ask your DD about exactly what happened and whether she tried to wake her grandma etc to try and find out how deep a sleep it was before doing anything else. But it sounds like you don't really trust this woman and don't want her to look after your child so if it's only a few months and you can afford it, then why not just increase the nursery hours giving the excuse of how much your daughter enjoys it? I think you need peace of mind as a parent when your child is being looked after by someone else and while your daughter would almost certainly not come to any harm, you don't need the stress. I read another thread of yours and your MIL sounds quite hard to cope with.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 16/09/2009 21:11

horton that is multitasking to the max!

"FWIW, I have been to the loo without my 3 year old (with the door open so I can hear her) and cooked while she plays or watches TV"

Marvellous

Original poster
clemette · 16/09/2009 21:17

I have never had a nap or left her in another room. I think this is largely because she is like a limpet (always has been) and so refuses to be on her own! If I am cooking she is with me, and if I am on the loo she is with me (sadly). I also think it is partly because I work full-time so when we are together we are just together (if that makes sense). She is definitely going to be the child in the class who shadows the teacher (unlike DS who will happily potter by himself!)
I certainly don't judge parents who do have a light nap, but I have never had the opportunity so don't have the confidence that she would be OK.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 16/09/2009 21:25

presumably you are not 73yo.cut your mum some slack she is doing you a favour

with paid external childcare,one can be precise and specific about requirements.with granny it isn't so easy

given you already have misgivings you need to get another arrangement

tryingtocookacurry · 16/09/2009 21:26

Horton, your comment about being in the middle of a huge shit just made me laugh hysterically. This conversation is very amusing!

However, Clemette, I do think you are being unreasonable and a nap whilst she is watching the television is perfectly acceptable.

Original poster
clemette · 16/09/2009 21:31

I think much of it is down to the type of child you have. If DS had been my first born I would probably be used to being able to just leave her too it.
Probably a bit of working mum's guilt and worry that she would be lonely in the house alone with a sleeping adult.

OP posts:
seeker · 16/09/2009 21:35

Presumably if she was worried or lonely she'd wake grandma up!

i do think this is odd - how can a 4 year old have never been alone, even for a second?

2rebecca · 16/09/2009 21:37

Asking your mum to go to your MILs house is very rude and will just create animosity. I think parents who expect pensioners to act as unpaid childminders are pretty selfish though. OK for a couple of hours here and there but these people have retired for a reason.
Preschool kids are exhausting. Pay for proper childcare, look after them yourself or accept a dozing, too old to run around but loving grandparent. I am happy with my dad in his 70s looking after my teenagers, but leaving him with preschool kids wouldn't have been fair on anyone.

Original poster
clemette · 16/09/2009 21:39

I am probably over playing it - she has been alone while I answer the door and she is eating her tea for example. She is just like a spaniel so, when she is awake, she is next to me. And because she goes to nursery the rest of the time she is with loads of people.

A couple of weeks ago she spent the day with both my mum and MiL and MiL had a nap. When DD went up to her and shouted boo MiL told her off (I understand why, who wants to be woken by a demanding child) but I worry that it has taught her she is not allowed to wake her.
Anyway, I am waffling. I will see how next week goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
clemette · 16/09/2009 21:42

2rebecca - I don't want her to look after my children (which is the baggage at the background of this). She INSISTS and it would create a huge family row if I insisted on nursery. I have never wanted her to be solely responsible but she is DH's mother and he has a say as well. he is unhappy with how things are but doesn't want to upset her.
Bloody families!!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread