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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to want to go out for dinner with my friend's baby?

121 replies

bitannoyedaboutthis · 15/09/2009 11:43

I have moved recently and have a friend with 3 children who happens to be in the area. We have seen each other a couple of times with kids, and said we'd like to have dinner without children/husbands one evening.

So I saw her the other day and she drops in that she'll of course have to bring the baby as she's breastfeeding.

Well, each to their own, but the lo is 10 months old ffs. The whole point of going out just the 2 of us was to be able to have uninterrupted conversation. I also breastfed all of mine the first year, but by that age I fed them at 7pm and put them to bed. Surely her dh can manage her from 8-11pm even if she's not asleep (seems a bit unlikely anyway).

So is she really annoying or aibu? I don't much want to go now anyway.

OP posts:

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 13:18

dal - no, my dd (dc2) refused a bottle. She would take a sippy cup though, funny little weirdo just wanted to be big like her bro! Was fun for granny trying to get ebm down her from a sippy cup @ 2months old when she would not relinquish her death grip on the handles.

Hulababy · 15/09/2009 13:19

YANBU to want a child free meal with your friend.

However your friend is NBU to feel the need to bring her baby out, if this is what works best for her.

Whether the two of you can compromise and have give and take is an entirely different matter. But one of you will need to, or the meal doesn't go ahead.

FWIW whilst I know it is perfectly possible that some babies sleep through and well at this age, I am also aware that many other babies do not at this age. Both scenarios are perfectly possible and perfectly acceptable!

Portofino · 15/09/2009 13:22

Beth - but surely if that was the case the OP's friend would have said that childcare was tricky that night. Not that she had to bring the baby to BF.

holdingittogether · 15/09/2009 13:22

I think it would depend on the baby tbh. At 10 mths some babies are almost toddlers and would be unlikely to sit still for 5 mins. Mine were certainly like that at that age. Unlikley that they would have just settled down to sleep in an unfamiliar place either. On the other hand some 10 mth olds are not mobile yet and maybe would be fine. YANBU to be a bit miffed. If baby really cannot be left then arrange to do something a bit more child friendly. I am not saying people should not take little ones to restaurants but it depends on the restraurant.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/09/2009 13:22

Not wanting a friend's baby there doesn't mean I don't want to be friend's with someone - would be quite happy to see them with my own kids, or at a big party. But whilst we have ds1 at home (which will presumably be into his 20's) then night's out are always going to be precious things to be negotiated and traded. I just wouldn't want to waste one of those sharing the table with a 10 month old and one other person. Doesn't mean I don't agree with her parenting- just don't agree with her choice of a relaxing evening out.

lynniep · 15/09/2009 13:24

I agree with bibbitybobbity actually. Neither of you are being unreasonable - you just have crossed wires i.e. a different interpretation of what constitutes 'child free'. To me that means exactly what it says on the tin, but to some people that obviously doesnt include babies.

I for one would not want to go on a precious night out with a 10 month old, but then of course it depends on that particular 10 month old! Mine would not have slept in a busy restaurant (or even a quiet one) - he'd have been fidgety and stroppy and whiney (overtired) and trying to run off (well cruise off) constantly. Playing with cutlery, making it impossible to do anything but watch him.

I think you should be polite and diplomatic 'I misunderstood what you meant - baby's lovely but I'd rather wait until its just the two of us.

holdingittogether · 15/09/2009 13:27

When I think back to going out to eat when ours were about 10 mths it really wasn't relaxing. They would always want to get down on the floor and crawl about, constantly trying to keep them occupied with things. Even if we thought they would sleep they wouldn't as too much going on so get over tired and cranky. Not my idea of a relaxed meal out.

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 13:30

I don't see how it matters whether anyone else's children would be in bed or sleeping through or never allowed on a child free night out as a breastfeeding baby.

The OP was invited by the friend on a child-free night out. The friend did not specify that it would be baby free - some people make a distinction. It is a learning curve with a new friend, you have to find out what they mean when they say these things.

I think if it was the OP who had extended the invitation the friend would be being a bit annoying by assuming her interpretation of 'child-free' was the same as her friend's and assuming it was OK to bring the baby.

It was the friend who extended the invitation so the OP can decide whether or not she wants to accept or not. It might be a bit annoying to not have realised that other people sometimes distinguish between babies and children but that is not the friend's fault.

charleymouse · 15/09/2009 13:31

Mamight I don't feel you are being passive aggresive.
Sorry you are in a bad mood Geoffkates.

FWIW I can count on both hands how many nights out I have had since DD was born almost 5 years ago. She never had a bottle (never wanted her to have one). I waited until I was older to have DCs and did not feel the need to leave them for nights out. My choice and I respect others right to go out as often as they want to, tis not my business. My DH and I sneak off for dates during the day, DD in school, DS at nursery we have an afternoon off and go out for lunch or the pictures or something. Feels quite clandestine when you should be at work. I do think it is important to have adult time but it does not have to be night time if that is when your kids need you most, both of mine have cluster fed in the evenings and I would have felt crap going out. (Not to mention the size of my boobs would have just got extreme over the course of the evening)

The "friend" may have assumed without kids but not babies. Or as other posters have said she might not be able to get the cover now she has suggested it and be too embarassed to say. You do not have to go, your choice.

francagoestohollywood · 15/09/2009 13:32

My children were incredibly lively at 10 months, no way I'd have considered to take them to the restaurant with me on a rare night out.

However, I wouldn't have many problems going out with a friend and her 10 months baby... provided that she deals with uptight costumers complaining...

geoffkates · 15/09/2009 13:33

I think there's a touch of the Bill Clinton 'sexual relations' argument there though isnt there Curiosity?

Most people would assume childfree to be babyfree - like weddings unless its below 6 months or so ie not eating solids and still being demand-fed.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/09/2009 13:35

It is not just YOUR evening out. It is hers too. A baby is really not that much of a bother. I would imagine she knows her baby, and would not bring it if it was likely to be wakeful/cause trouble.

Do you have many friends in the area?

Does she have many other friends in the area?

If you are new to this place, you said you just moved, cancelling on her because she is bringing her baby out to see you, might not be the best move for the sake of your social life in the future?

You dont sound like the sort of friend I would want to have. Even my childfree friends have shown me more understanding for bringing baby out, than you seem to have.

Hulababy · 15/09/2009 13:37

Maybe your friend felt she wanted a child free night when she originally made the suggestion. But now the time has coe for some reason feels she can't do child free. Could be a whole host of reasons why the change of mind.

I guess you just need to talk to her to find out more and to decide what to do next.

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 13:37

geoffkates - I think it is irrelevant and impossible to tell what most people would assume. I'm pretty confident a large number of people do not include babies in 'child-free' for a number of their own reasons.

What have weddings got to do with anything? Weddings are not places where children are necessarily excluded and each person has their own view and interpretation in any situation where 'child-free' 'man-free' 'woman-free' is stipulated.

charleymouse · 15/09/2009 13:39

You can stil be demand fed and eating solids, they are not mutually exclusive.

geoffkates · 15/09/2009 13:45

I know - i meant weddings in that whole MN children/weddings thing - its the same sort of area isnt it - peoples assumptions about what childfree means.

I suppose it depends on what you think a 10 month old is - mine have been nearer toddlers than babies - cruising around and wanting to eat everything in sight etc - not really babies who will sleep in the buggy while I have a relaxing meal.

Yes Charleymouse I know - I wonder if it comes back to the fact that its very difficult generally to be friends with people who parent in a different way to you when the dcs are small...

OtterInaSkoda · 15/09/2009 13:49

YANBU. 8-11pm in a restaurant with a 10-month old isn't my idea of fun. Different if there are lots of you - say a family do - where there are lots of people to take turns jiggling and so on, or with a 3-month old, who'll sleep. IME, the 10 month old might have a lovely time being walked around continually looking at all the shiney lights and so on and playing peek-a-boo with the barman, but neither of you will get the relaxed, grown-up evening you were originally after.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/09/2009 13:49

Quint but I wouldn't have minded at all sharing my night out with a baby when I was childfree. I would have loved it. I could have a night without children any other night of the week. It is only now after 10 years of children at home and at least another 10-12 before I can freely go out without needing a babysitter that I am averse to sharing that free evening time with children.

charleymouse · 15/09/2009 13:49

I agree with that GK, parenting in very different ways can bring up issues between even very good friends.

It is dfficult to feel your choices/decisions are not being undermined just beacause someone else chooses to do something differently to you.

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 13:53

yes, charleymouse and geoffkates - I think it is hard too. If you can't be tolerant or accept someone else's parenting style for whatever reason that more often than not destroys the friendship.

cjones2979 · 15/09/2009 13:53

"The OP was invited by the friend on a child-free night out."

curiositykilled - Where in the OP does it say that the friend did the inviting ?? It actually says
"We have seen each other a couple of times with kids, and said we'd like to have dinner without children/husbands one evening."
Therefore the OP is not BU to be a bit p'eed off that after agreeing to a children/husbands free evening out, her friend has now decided she is going to bring her 10 mo baby.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/09/2009 13:55

I can accept that someone doesn't leave their baby (their choice) as long as they can accept that I won't be heading to an evening restaurant alone with them and their baby just yet!

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 13:56

cjones - later in the thread the OP specifies that it was the friend who came up with the idea.

'By bitannoyedaboutthis Tue 15-Sep-09 12:05:16 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster
I'm not making a parental decision for anyone, I'm making a decision about my evening out! She was the one who suggested dinner just the two of us in the first place. '

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/09/2009 14:00

she suggested dinner 'just the 2 of us' though.

cjones2979 · 15/09/2009 14:00

curiositykilled - Thanks for that. I must have missed that post.

However, it only actually says that the friend suggested it just being the 2 of them for dinner, not that she actually suggested the meal out in the first place.

I stand by my original view that the OP is not BU.

If I had suggested a child/husband free evening out with a friend, that would also include my baby.

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