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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to want to go out for dinner with my friend's baby?

121 replies

bitannoyedaboutthis · 15/09/2009 11:43

I have moved recently and have a friend with 3 children who happens to be in the area. We have seen each other a couple of times with kids, and said we'd like to have dinner without children/husbands one evening.

So I saw her the other day and she drops in that she'll of course have to bring the baby as she's breastfeeding.

Well, each to their own, but the lo is 10 months old ffs. The whole point of going out just the 2 of us was to be able to have uninterrupted conversation. I also breastfed all of mine the first year, but by that age I fed them at 7pm and put them to bed. Surely her dh can manage her from 8-11pm even if she's not asleep (seems a bit unlikely anyway).

So is she really annoying or aibu? I don't much want to go now anyway.

OP posts:
BethNoire · 15/09/2009 12:53

I think are being a bit U as it is up to her how she raises her child- ds4 is bf at 18 months and we cannot get him t accept going with anyone else yet (DH for an odd hour nobody else, weare starting him a CM tomorow totry and resolve)

It'snot always so easy

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 12:53

None of it is odd. Of course people can leave their babies behind and the hubby could care for the baby. It doesn't matter. The woman is making a choice about her parenting which she is entitled to make. She can make that choice for whatever reason she likes. It is her family and her baby.

The OP can make her own choice, it would be reasonable for her to say she'd rather not go out after all or for her to go and give the woman and baby a chance (the baby might just sleep) but IMO it would be very unreasonable to say that the woman had to leave the baby behind as she was expecting a completely child-free night out.

You can't even guarantee that the restaurant will be child-free anyway. Someone else might have their baby or children with them. It is strange to plan a night out in a place where children might be and are allowed to be and then insist that it is a completely child free night out.

CarmenSanDiego · 15/09/2009 12:55

YABU. Completely agree with Curiosity.

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 12:55

The OP was not the one who made the plan, it was the friend who invited the OP.

geoffkates · 15/09/2009 12:56

MaMight - you really couldnt leave your 10 month old for a night out? Do you really mean that?

I find it a bit passive aggressive actually - it sends out the message that anyone else who might be able to do it - indeed wanting to do it/desparate to do it, is a terrible parent - not to mention all the parents on here who's dc are in nursery at that age...

I would certainly be peeved if I had rearranged my own schedule and dh was coming home early etc so that I could have a childfree evening as arranged and then a friend wanted to bring her 10 month old too. Maybe its her last and she wants to do baby things as much as possible...

diddl · 15/09/2009 12:58

TBH, I wouldn´t go.

Explain that you would rather wait until she can leave the baby at home so that you can have a couple of hours together.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/09/2009 12:58

The question was whether she was being annoying in saying they;d have a childfree night out then saying she was bringing her 1 month old. Of course she is. Unless you have babysitting on tap then childfree time is very precious and I would be pissed off to waste it on time spent sitting with a 10 month old.

I don't think the OP was suggesting she would tell her friend to leave the baby behind (how could she- would be barking to do such a thing) she said she didn't feel like going out. Nor would I and I would cancel and rearrange.

I don't think it's about avoiding children. But there is a big difference between children at a different table and a 10 month old whose mother is the only other person at the table.

bibbitybobbityhat · 15/09/2009 12:58

Yanbu. All you have to do is say "I think we were talking at crossed purposes when we arranged this. I thought we were having a child-free night. Lets stick to meeting up in the day with the other dc for now."

No hard feelings. And you don't have to spend a rare and precious evening out in the company of a baby.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/09/2009 12:58

10, not 1 of course.

warthog · 15/09/2009 12:58

is this 10 month old her first?

i would change the arrangement then. say you were really looking forward to some child-free time. how about meeting for a drink in the evening then? then it'll only be an hour / 1.5 hours and she can be baby-free too.

dal21 · 15/09/2009 13:02

Does this mean that a lot of parents are not having any evenings out by the time their DC's are 10 months old? Am not having a go, but genuinely curious. And a little scared tbh.

I expressed from 6 weeks and DS was given his dreamfeed of ebm from a bottle from there on. Granted, reading posts on here, I think I was obviously very lucky. DH and I went to the cinema when DS was 8 weeks old and left DS with granny and a bottle of ebm. I kept hold of my mobile throughout the film and was a nervous wreck. By the time we got home, DS was blissfully asleep having guzzled his bottle. So I was able to leave him for a few hours after that - with relative peace of mind.

Goodness me, hope the same works with this LO.

JeremyVile · 15/09/2009 13:03

Agree entirely with Curoisity.

BethNoire · 15/09/2009 13:04

OP- can I just ask, are you sure that hubby can have the baby?

I man,my Dh wouldn't probably (3 other boys, 2 SN and me eing out would throw those 2 enough), and there are some DH's who can't forlots ofreasons ranging from can't be arsed to being on call for work.

Could it just be she'smaking an 'excuse' to cover up a lack of childcare? Something i've done before when invited out as I don't always want to go into everyting with fledgling friends.

Or maybe her other friends do just take the babies so sheasumes- might bea number of single mums, or shift workers in her friendship group?

My gut on reading the OP, that it was all agreed and then she just 'dropepd it in', is that her DP said no way am I having them then (might be a goodreason- something else to do) and she's embarassed.

geoffkates · 15/09/2009 13:05

No dal21 - I think most people phase it in like you and then get more and more confident with it...I think the first time is the hardest and if you leave it it just gets more difficult to do.

And maybe theres a touch of mummy martyrdom here as well...tho am in a foul mood today so that might be wrong.

JeremyVile · 15/09/2009 13:05

....and also with Curiosity!

BethNoire · 15/09/2009 13:06

Dal- yep, ds4 won't take a bottle and isony taking a beaker now at 17months. If I left he'dscream and my Mum said no chance....we'rehoping for our first outing without him in November but no guarantees, has eant I have missed out on an awful lot but without anyone willing to just ignore the crying there are no options.

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 13:08

If it was the OP's night out then the OP could stipulate the rules of 'child-free'. It is the Friend's interpretation of 'child-free' that takes precedence here because she is the one who invited the OP. It is a reasonable interpretation of 'child-free' that children are left at home but babies are ok.

I can't see why people would think that "I have arranged childcare for my children" is a good reason for expecting other people to arrange childcare for theirs. The two are not connected at all. I would make my own choice for my family that had nothing to do with 'well x is bringing hers' or 'y has got a sitter for all hers' or 'z has got a sitter for the older ones but is bringing the baby'.

It is polite to let other people know what the situation is and allow them to make their own choice but if it is 'your party you can cry if you want to' so to speak...

The problem is really just that the OP doesn't know the other person very well it seems and didn't realise 'child' didn't include 'baby'. I think peedoffwithnuts was correct earlier in the thread.

saintlydamemrsturnip raises a good point though. I am going off on a tangent really - it is different having a baby at your own table.

mankyscotslass · 15/09/2009 13:10

No Dal, with DC1 and DC 2, we could leave them easily from about 5mths onwards, although lack of babysitteres meant in reality it was few and far between. I did get out more with my mates though! Both of the elder DC took bottles/expressed milk fine and would by that stage go at least 4 hours without a feed.

DC3 was a totally different kettle of fish, lol.

BethNoire · 15/09/2009 13:11

I as back at work by 9weeks with ds 1/2....ds3 easyas pie.... ds4- !!!!

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 13:12

peedoffwithnits*

when he/she said

'she is either a good friend who you want to see (so she brings baby and you have to accept her choices) OR she is someone you will never see eye to eye with, so why bother maintaining contact

you cannot live her life for her, but you CAN choose whether you want to be in her life.'

Portofino · 15/09/2009 13:12

"can't be arsed". God it's no wonder some men think they can get away with murder! Whys SN aside, I can see no reason why dad can't cope with 3 kids, when mum obviously has to.

Dal21 - we had a regular babysitter from when dd was about 6 months old and sleeping well. We never ventured very far away, but we thought it was important to have some quality time as a couple. I first went out when dd was about 1 month old. Just to the local to see some friends. DH was fine for a couple of hours.

dal21 · 15/09/2009 13:12

I see on all responses that dc's 3/4 are the ones refusing bottles....lesson from this. Am only on DS2, must stop there.

BethNoire · 15/09/2009 13:15

I think there's a reason that the last baby often doesit

It stops you (practically and emotionally!) fromhaving a dc-next LOL

Remind me of that Christopher Green quote (IIRC)- whihc child is the worst behaved? The last one- after that you don't want any more

cjones2979 · 15/09/2009 13:16

YANBU at all bitannoyedaboutthis!!!

I didn't breastfeed either of my boys, but even if I did I would never have taken them out with me at night for a "child-free" evening with a friend!!

By 10 months old, both of mine were only having milk twice a day (morning & bedtime), were on 3 meals a day, with a little bit of juice in between, and were both in bed for the night by 7pm at the latest. (My 12 month old is in bed at 6pm every night, and sleeps through til 7-8am - how lucky am I??!!)

Stick to your guns though, if you don't want a night out with baby in tow, then make your excuses.

BethNoire · 15/09/2009 13:17

Porto- some men do think they can get away with murder absolutely, as do some women, No arguments there!

but.... we don'tknow that Mum has to, Mum may have dh around to help her.... also,it'sgetting away with murder if he sits there watching fottie and scratching his 'nads, but if he's trying to finsh an asignent for a course due to next day, or knows he is hgoing to have a pile ofwork on that night (and who wants to say no in this climate?) thereoculd be mitigating factors.