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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to want to go out for dinner with my friend's baby?

121 replies

bitannoyedaboutthis · 15/09/2009 11:43

I have moved recently and have a friend with 3 children who happens to be in the area. We have seen each other a couple of times with kids, and said we'd like to have dinner without children/husbands one evening.

So I saw her the other day and she drops in that she'll of course have to bring the baby as she's breastfeeding.

Well, each to their own, but the lo is 10 months old ffs. The whole point of going out just the 2 of us was to be able to have uninterrupted conversation. I also breastfed all of mine the first year, but by that age I fed them at 7pm and put them to bed. Surely her dh can manage her from 8-11pm even if she's not asleep (seems a bit unlikely anyway).

So is she really annoying or aibu? I don't much want to go now anyway.

OP posts:
MilaMae · 15/09/2009 12:12

If I was rich I'd consider it but if like me you're poor and a meal out is a rare event-no way.

When I'm enjoying child free time even having other kids in the same room on another table is annoying. It's the are they going to wake up/play up at any moment thing,it's always there. Your meal will be disturbed if it does even if it's not yours.

As I said if I was rich however and went out a lot I'd put up with it as I could do the child free thing with somebody else another night.

I do think she should have mentioned it when it was being arranged.

PeedOffWithNits · 15/09/2009 12:12

she probably IS looking forward to a night out and seeing old friend, otherwise she would have used baby as a reason NOT to go. Baby probably less trouble than the tantrums and squabbles and so on of the 2 older kids!
but equally, would the mum be able to enjoy her night out if she was anxious about how baby was and whether dad was coping. that would have been me, despite Dh being a fantastic hands on dad from day 1

dal21 · 15/09/2009 12:14

YANBU - not at all. If plans were to have supper minus babies and other halves then that is what the plans should be.

I believe that your friends mistake is accepting /making the invite under that proviso as she obviously does not want to leave her baby at home.

I can totally see your view - there is no guarantee that the 10 month old will sleep (in fact I think it is highly likely that the baby will want to watch everything going on), so be wide awake and overtired. That means you both trying to have a conversation but with her standing and jigging baby on her shoulder etc.

Nights out like this once you have DC's are treats, so dont go if you dont want to. Be honest about your reasons why and simply make plans for a time she is prepared to leave all her DC's at home.

MaMight · 15/09/2009 12:16

Gosh, at 10 months old I went out for the very first time without my firstborn, and I stayed close by and was very nervous about it.

At 10 months old there was NO WAY I could have left my 2nd born at home with dh. Not that dh wasn't willing, but ds was fed to sleep, completely unreliable about when he would wake up (actually, that's not true, he could generally be relied upon to wake up a couple of times between 7 and midnight) and if he woke what was dh supposed to do? Spontaneously lactate?

In fact at 17 months I do go out without him, but it's hit and miss how successful a time of it dh has at home and if I know ds is going to be unhappy it somehow puts a dampner on my evening.

Glad my friends are and always have been lovely and understanding and sympathetic and done things like making sure I'm the last taxi pick-up to allow me lots of time to get him settled, or held dinner parties ridiculously early so dh and I can come too. It's only a short time. Surely the point of friends is that you all enjoy each others company and are kind and understanding with each other while your children are small?

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 12:18

bitannoyedaboutthis - Well then make a decision about your night out then. It is comletely irrelevant whether you think her DH should look after the baby or that you think she shouldn't be breastfeeding on demand. It didn't need mentioning if you think the decision is only about whether you go on the evening out as it was offered and don't want to tell her how to bring up her children.

Either go or don't. You are entitled to your night out without the baby if that is what you want. Either you tolerate the baby because she is your friend or you don't go, you can't really ask her not to bring the baby because that would be telling her how you thought she should raise her children.

Why wouldn't someone want to bring their children to something? I can see why you would and why you wouldn't. Why are we all expected to want to dump our children and run at every available opportunity?!

You can say that you don't like bringing your children to things but other people enjoy bringing their children to things and don't like leaving them behind which is their own personal choice.

Your comments make you seem like you feel your choices are the sensible ones which others should follow.

abra1d · 15/09/2009 12:22

'A ten months old sleeping all evening? How do you do that? Rohypnol'

Both mine slept from 6.30pm from about eight months on without any recourse to illegal drugs.

I went out for dinner with friends fairly often at this age, leaving the baby and toddler with my husband. It's much easier than leaving older children with homework and activities.

WidowWadman · 15/09/2009 12:23

Mamight - maybe your nervousness was also caused by rather leaving it late to go out without him for the first time? I remember being hyper nervous when I went out for the first time without my daughter. The bloke and I went to the village pub for 45 minutes while my MIL watched my then 6 weeks old.

At 4 months I managed a whole 3 hours, and with 5 months I had to leave her behind with her dad for 5 afternoons 4 hours each to sit some exams. I think getting used to letting your partner or even another relative watch your child relatively early helps you relaxing about it more.

OrmIrian · 15/09/2009 12:24

Well no you aren't. I don't suppose his conversation is up to much and table manners will be very poor.

thedolly · 15/09/2009 12:26

I think YABU and not much of a friend.

This is the sort of thing that friends should be accepting of.

And if it all goes pear-shaped which of course it might you should be more than willing to jiggle baby on you knee whilst your friend finishes her dessert. That will do more to cement your friendship than having a cosy baby free evening.

WidowWadman · 15/09/2009 12:27

abra1d - even in a restaurant with lots of interesting new things to explore?

My daughter's bed time is 9 PM normally, but I don't have a problem with going out either, despite breastfeeding etc. Babies are usually very adaptable.

diddl · 15/09/2009 12:27

Could she not express some so that hubby can feed baby if necessary?

I might try to postpone until she would go out without the baby.

curiositykilled · 15/09/2009 12:28

And if you are so convinced that you want an absolutely child-free night out I'd re-think plans to have dinner. Children under 16 are allowed in restaurants until midnight so it is possible someone else might be dining out with their children.

milamae - it is a bit strange to ruin your own night out worrying that a child might make a fuss. Adults often make a fuss and ruin other people's meals in restaurants too. In fact I have had my meal interrupted much more often by badly behaved adults than badly behaved children.

The only thing you can do is enjoy your own meal until something actually becomes an issue and then complain to the management if something happens. If they don't do anything about it you don't pay for your meal or you ask for free wine or dessert. There is no point getting wound up about it.

MaMight · 15/09/2009 12:29

Do people really think that it's shocking not to be able to put a 10 month old down to reliably sleep for the evening then?

I mean, I know plenty of 10 month olds do this, but surely it's pretty normal for them not to as well? Right?

WidowWadman · 15/09/2009 12:33

Mine's not like a clockwork, but I know she can cope without me for a few hours while her dad is looking after her and milk is not the only way of settling her.

I'm very relieved about this, as otherwise I'd imagine it to be impossible to go back to work full time in a couple of weeks.

MaMight · 15/09/2009 12:38

That's great WidowW, and I'm pleased that you have things sorted out. But this still doesn't mean that ALL 10 month olds should be able to be left in the evenings, or should be able to settle without milk, does it? Genuine question, I'm asking.

PuppyMonkey · 15/09/2009 12:38

I think it's odd that she suggested going on a child-free evening out with just the two of you... then said she would be bringing her baby along. Yes I do! Why suggest it in the first place?

I don't think it's at all odd for her to try to put the baby down to sleep and.. OMG... go out for a meal without it... leaving hubby... OMG... in charge. Faints.

WidowWadman · 15/09/2009 12:41

Well, I believe that a child can only be as relaxed as their parents - maybe it's just worth trying it out, and see how it goes, rather than preempting that it will impossible.

I was very nervous at the very beginning myself, but early exposure certainly helped me getting used to leaving her with somebody else, and also showed her that it was ok to be alone with Daddy.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 15/09/2009 12:45

why don't you get a takeaway round at hers? my pal was still feeding her wee boy at about a year, and truth be told she just couldn't leave him in the evenings without several hideous knock on effects (like a night spent feeding constantly so no fun for her). we just had girl's nights at our houses for a while and the baby slept most of the time anyway.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/09/2009 12:47

I wouldn't bother sorting out a night out (3 including one severely disabled at home so can't just book the local babysitter) to go and share it with a 10 month old tbh. It would be fine as part of a group or lunch or something. But yes time out is precious.

Just cry off and rearrange when the baby is older. Or meet up at your house or something so you don't have the hassle or organising babysitter.

Love seeing friends. Love seeing their kids. Don't want to spend precious potential time away with babies! YANBU

I think it's a leap to suggest the OP is criticising the parenting - she was just expecting a night out without someone else's child in the room.

MaMight · 15/09/2009 12:47

I'm very relaxed. But I still couldn't comfortably leave my 10 month old and enjoy an evening out.

diddl · 15/09/2009 12:48

I´m not sure if mine would have slept, but if I bfed as close to possible before going out, I´m sure I could manage 2/3 hours away when baby was 10months.

But if friend really doesn´t want to go out without baby, I think it´s a question of "putting up" with it, or waiting until she is ready.

We are all different, but I can´t help thinking that friend is being a bit precious, TBH.
It´s not as if she is leaving her first born for the very first time, and the baby would be with his/her father.

PuppyMonkey · 15/09/2009 12:48

But why suggest it in the first place if she just couldn't leave the baby?

Is all I wonder!

saintlydamemrsturnip · 15/09/2009 12:50

Yes me too Puppy.

Fine to not be able to leave your baby. Your baby your choice. But odd to suggest a night out without kids, then bring one anyway.

OrmIrian · 15/09/2009 12:51

I left all 3 of mine to go back to work all day. They were bf at night. FF from a bottle when needed during the day. Never ever a problem with that. But evenings were different. They got used to having mummy there and I got used to being with them. Never managed to express more than an oz tbh - hated trying. And none of my DC really had settled bedtimes by 10m. However I would still have left them when I needed to - if it was only once in a blue moon. DH or my parents would have coped fine.

dal21 · 15/09/2009 12:52

I totally disagree (in a nice way ) with those posters who are flaming the OP for not being a good friend.

I have plenty of girlfriends with young DC's/ babies and virtually all our plans are made with the view that babies/ parents can get together and have a lovely time. However there are the very rare occasions where plans are made for lunch/ brunch etc minus kids/ babies and other halves. Those girlie get togethers are lovely as all of us manage to actually have a proper catch up minus the distraction of our LO's. These probably only happen once to twice a year.

This doesnt mean that we arent supporting one another, it just means that we are making a little time for us.

Each to their own - but it is the friend who is totally unreasonable to agreeing to this if it wasnt something she was comfortable with.