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AIBU?

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Original poster

to assume that a man in his 40's having a quite younger wife who is Thai

104 replies

SlartyBartFast · 12/09/2009 14:19

while he is not Thai.
that she is a Thai Bride,

or should I mind my own business.

or shoudl i believe the story that it was a Holiday Romance?

OP posts:
EnjoyingtheMoment · 13/09/2009 08:40

maggie she is not american chinese - she is chinese - she was there not very long before she met BIL, and got her green card while she was married to him, in the last year i think.

BalloonSlayer · 13/09/2009 08:42

Why Maggie?

He said they were happy about it.

Wouldn't you be happy if your old Dad found love again?

MaggieVirgoOn · 13/09/2009 08:46

Yes, but he didn't 'rescue' her. She didn't have to marry him. She married him because she wanted to and because she loved him. And I bet that that is obvious.

I think people are very good at reading the subtlest of clues, and picking up tiny little instincts.

WHEN people clock a couple and take a second look, you can bet it is because there genuinely IS an imbalance of some sort. Something that tugged at subliminal chord in the consciousness.

We are all good at reading people. And people do WEAR their education, their background, their friendships, social, career success,,, like confidence on their back.

You lot may not be as Madame Zelda as I am, but I can tell if somebody's been selected off tinternet or not. {or similar]

MaggieVirgoOn · 13/09/2009 08:48

Balloon, if my Dad thought he had two children but I knew they weren't his and he was being lied to... I'd be very upset for him.

Also, realistically, I would know that what little inheritence my brothers and I would receive would be divided now between us and two children who weren't even related to us.

BalloonSlayer · 13/09/2009 08:51

"Balloon, if my Dad thought he had two children but I knew they weren't his and he was being lied to... I'd be very upset for him.

"Also, realistically, I would know that what little inheritence my brothers and I would receive would be divided now between us and two children who weren't even related to us."

Maggie - Sorry, I think you have misunderstood the tale I was trying to relate. They were HIS children.

Have you mixed my post up with someone else's?

EnjoyingtheMoment · 13/09/2009 08:55

maggie not entirely convinced his own success and what it could provide her did not 'contribute' to the love they have , she was married to a violent chinese man when they met t work and so he did to some extent 'rescue her' and paid off a lot of ex-dh's debt so as not to get killed in the process and of course getting a green card is not a small consequence of marriage. But, whatever their arrangement, they do love each other, but their love is not a simple passionate love, its due to the knowledge they they also both benefit mutually from the relationship they have and she is not in the least subservant.

And regardless of how they are together, there are many many many people that beleive she married him for the green card. So it is not always cut and dry to see a situation as it really is. Because the truth is, no-one really knows apart from her, and maybe him, if that is true or not.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 13/09/2009 08:56

I think she assumes that because the vasectomy 'failed' and ivf failed and then suddenly, a miracle, 2 babies ... that the woman slept with someone else and they aren't biologically his.

BalloonSlayer · 13/09/2009 09:06

Ah I see. Well they test after you've had a vasectomy reversal, don't they, to see how effective it's been. And when they do IVF, they do check that the eggs have fertilised so there can't have been a problem with his sperm being able to fertilise eggs, could there?

The main focus of our discussion was having babies late in life. I'd had DS2 at 43, and it was an unplanned pregnancy, which was ironic given the trouble I'd had conceiving earlier in my life. So the general discussion was about being desperate for kids and it not happening and then when you were relaxed it suddenly would. He said that they had given up and decided that it wasn't to be when - bingo.

And yes it's an odd conversation to have with a complete stranger but he was very easy to talk to, open and friendly, and that's why I liked him so much and was so pleased for him.

Well maybe I am not cynical enough, but I thought his was a lovely story and happy families all round.

beanieb · 13/09/2009 09:45

"I dont think it is based on ethnicity, I think it is based on age. If I see a young guy with a young thai women I dont think she is a thai bride. However, where i live if I see a young thai women with a wart hog of a middle aged man I do sometimes make that assumption."

so what assumptions do you make when you see a white british young woman with a white british older man? That she's a Thai Bride? Of course it is completely to do with ethnicity.

I work with a lot of Thai women and they are all unaware that many people refer to them as 'Thai brides' or 'ting tong' or 'ladyboy'... It's wrong to make these assumptons based upon what you imagine their background to be.

Maggie - I am a bit at teh assuptions you just made!

foxytocin · 13/09/2009 10:11

I know a british man in the Middle East who is obviously older (mid 50s?) than his Filipina gf. but being Filipina, she could easily be taken for 30 though she is in her mid/late forties. She works hard, has a fairly good job, and sends remittances for her family back in the Philippines. He is trying his damnest to stay abroad to be with her despite a lot of work difficulties (and a wife back in the UK). From my own experiences, I can only see so many people judging them as 'she is only with him for his money/passport' when in reality he wants her so bad and she genuinely loves him too.

it is not just about reading people as a previous poster has said. the types who want to believe their prejudices can't see it even when it is slapping them in the face. I have first hand experience of this.

bidibidi · 13/09/2009 10:11

Traditionally marriage was often a business contract, especially from the woman's POV. We are naive to forget and condemn that.

Some tales (like Portofino's) are awful, but that doesn't mean that we have to always object to marriage as a better-my-life-maneuver in principle. Westerners are too hung up on marriage should be "for love" and nothing else.

MaggieVirgoOn · 13/09/2009 10:27

BeanieB, normally you're totally sane and reasonable and I like your posts, but I am the ONE here (on this board) who is saying that I can TELL if a relationship is real or if it's bought on line. I won't say anything rude as I don't think you've properly read my posts.

Although I DO totally take on board balloon slayer (i think it was balloon slayer)'s comments that a relationship can be mutually beneficial and both parties can be happy and that that is fine.

All I say is that a couple which are a first glance seemingly MIS-matched does catch my eye. I'm not the only one and I think it would be disingenuous to claim that you could be standing next to an English man of 72 and somebody like Yayun and not think 'aye aye boughthimselfawife.com'

I'm not racist and I'm not prejudiced, but nor am I totally BLIND. Anything unusual is noticeable.

foxytocin · 13/09/2009 10:35

Maggie, i am not obliquely calling you a racist or prejudiced. I do not know you and I agree that you can read a lot from the dynamics in a relationship.

However, I stand by my statement that some people, despite what is obvious to most, will not move from preferred their belief that she must have married him 'for something'. Being a victim of this sort of prejudice narrowmindedness is not a nice place to be.

MaggieVirgoOn · 13/09/2009 10:43

I meant beanieB actually, who said that she was 'shocked' at my assumptions. Bit puzzled about that one tbh.

In these relationships (and I mean the actual ones where British men do go looking for a wife online) it is the men I feel most judgy about.

I don't feel I can reasonably judge a woman from some tiny village who might see her children go uneducated or her parents' illness untreated etc..., I might marry some silly 72 year old if it was going to educate my children and give my grandparents a few comforts. That's human nature, it's survival, maybe (debatable) it's sacrifice.

It's the men who make me want to reach for the sick bag. With their misogynist views about what a woman should be like.. and what a relationship actually IS. (somebody serving them with a smile) Like I said earlier, if they get a big shock when their 'thai bride' turns out to be not a doll but a living breathing woman with her head screwed on, then I will put my hand over my mout while I chuckle!!!

LongStory · 13/09/2009 10:49

my first boyfriend was Filipino ... he was a few years older than me. Wonder what people would say if we were still together. He always had this thing where he wanted to call me Victoria!

MaggieVirgoOn · 13/09/2009 10:57

People wouldn't say anything I'm sure. My x was half Guyanian. NObody ever said or thought anything. ALthough he was brought up in the UK. I'm not sure if his parents' marriage didn't raise a few eyebrows but that was 40 years previous.

thedollshouse · 13/09/2009 11:04

YABvU.

I have a few thai female friends married to English men. None of them were "mail order brides". A lot of thai women seem to have been blessed with young looking genes and are actually a lot older than they may appear.

freyski · 13/09/2009 11:33

well said maggie

JeremyVile · 13/09/2009 12:13

Bleurgh @ Someguys C&P.

Yuyun sounds lovely - who wouldn't want to spend time with someone who is always happy (or at least understands that this is expected of her)? Giggling at being woken in the night to be driven round on a moped by a 70-odd yo bloke...in the rain? Adorable!

How can this old fool not realise that Yuyun knows she has to act this way? Its part of the deal.

He's delighted that she never refuses sex and always buys the food he likes rather than what she likes. He sounds like an utterly selfish, exploitative failure of a man.

Like many of his contemporaries I would imagine.

Ah well, he's old. He'll peg it soon and hopefully Yuyun will get a decent pay off to go some way to making up for it all. (unless he has children from a previous marriage who seek to protect their inheritence - they'll no doubt be cursing this manipulative vixen who bewitched their poor, naive daddy)

Portofino · 13/09/2009 21:46

As one of those children of a previous marriage, if I knew that my dad was happy and looked after in his old age, I wouldn't give a stuff about my inheritance. I would be overjoyed if my dad was now living the life of riley and spending the lot on having a fantastic time.

The reality is somewhat different however. Even he knows that when the money runs out, or if they try to repossess the house, his dw won't be seen for dust. Sadly it doesn't seem to energise him to do anything about it. It makes me SOOOO angry.

He is only 60 and can no longer even climb the stairs. He can't go out. He tells me about how pleased he is that dw is off on some European tour! And how clever and beautiful she is. What am i supposed to say to him?

merrymonsters · 13/09/2009 22:54

I worked with a man, who started going out with his Malaysian lodger. The people in the office used to joke about her being a 'mail-order bride'. The fact was she worked in IT for a large bank and earned twice what he did. They're still married 15 years later.

Women do marry men for money, but you are making assumptions about this couple.

blueshoes · 13/09/2009 23:02

Someguy, I am not sure I can believe Sheldon Archer's description of Yayun.

His description is playing to the Western fantasy of a smiley happy submissive lady. But he would peddle the fantasy - after all, he owns a marriage agency.

blueshoes · 13/09/2009 23:07

Two points:

Women from south-east Asia tend to look much younger than their biological age and have good skin for longer.

Women who would leave their homeland to come to a foreign country with a man they hardly know are not likely to be retiring wallflowers. I think they probably have their head very firmly screwed on.

I am saying that in a neutral way.

Glitterknickaz · 14/09/2009 00:08

My SIL is thai. My bro is white british. Shock horror they managed to meet all by themselves, no catalogues required.

Been together 8 years, married 6 years, gorgeous son and very happy.

vess · 14/09/2009 07:07

Actually I know lots of white European/Thai couples, and they seem totally normal in every way (and one of these couples are close friends). Usually it's men who have been living and working in Thailand for some time, mostly in construction.