with dh ????? I hope I am !!

[mosschops30]

its been a bit of a rocky week, dh been working long hours, out at 6am, home at 10pm.

Ive felt a bit neglected, if I call him, or he calls me he's quite distant and vague, although according to him its because he busy.

He's taken up windsurfing in the past few months which has been a bit of a bug-bear, not because I mind him doing stuff (which is what he thinks my problem is) its just that every new hobby he has completely takes over his life.
For example a couple of years ago it was shooting, he bought a gun and a hundred magazines on it, spent a few days out shooting with some bloke from work, then got bored. Then it was fishing, again lots of magazines and books, hundreds spent on fishing rods and reels and bait, lasted approx a year, hasnt been for ages. Then last year it was photography, he spent about 1k on camera, new lens, photography course. Now this year its been windsurfing, again new boards, sails, wetsuit, and he really enjoys it, but it comes before everything, he has to go one day every weekend no matter what.
Last night he asked if i thought he should do the next part of the camera course (£200) one night a week. I had a bit of a moan about money, and he said he works hard and that he should be able to spend his money on what he wants, which I agree with up to a point.
But he is not managing his money well at all at the moment IMHO, but if I say that he gets all huffy.
I have saved £300 a month for the last 7 months to get me through my unpaid mat leave, this is so that I still pay everything I pay now, including half the mortgage.

We had a huge row last night, he says that he hasnt got a problem, that hes happy and that if im uphappy then I need to sort it out, he says im controlling and hate him doing anything.

He expected me to be normal this morning, despite him being so rude last night, and then flew off the handle again because i wasnt 'over it'.

IMHO I dont think I should let him talk down to me, not listen to my opinion, tell me to get a life, not take resposnibility for anything that happens in this relationship, then expect me to wake up with a 'morning darling'

If I didnt know better Id say he's acting as bad as possible so I tell him to leave, then he wont feel guilty for leaving his pg wife .... or am I just being dramatic?

Opinions please

(oh and hes gone out again - on his own because ds wanted to stay with me!)

[mosschops30]

Yes I suppose I am a bit jealous, although I dont want to spend that type of money on anything. Like I said I enjoy the odd treatment but thats about it.
I do get pissed off that he gets to have a whole day to himself, when he goes windsurfing, he just goes, regardless of how Im feeling or whether Ive been with the dc's all week.

I dont know really about the conrol thing, its been mentioned on here before. I think he quite enjoys the fact that I am fat and cant go out and buy nice stuff or go out with the girls til all hours and that atm he has the upper hand because IMHO im more vulnerable as a pg woman - or maybe thats just my own insecurities.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Please talk to him.

You deserve this time to be a happy time planning for a new baby, not being upset and stressed about him and his hobbies, etc.

[mosschops30]

at emlou's post - dear god, i thought my dh was bad, he would never do that, and last year when we went away to Italy for a friends wedding he paid for everything (apart from my dress
IMHO dh doesnt do much with the kids, i saved some hols to have time off in the summer, he didnt, I took them away for the weekend to hotel and Legoland but i paid for all that.
However he did get up with ds this morning at 7am and I stayed in bed until 10am

Aaahh FBG, my little thread guardian angel how are you my dear?

[diddl]

I agree with selling all you don´t need.
Also, he should agree to look after the children for a certain number of hours per week so that you can do something you want.

[mosschops30]

well he does for me to go to yoga, and an evening treatment if im having one, but thats once a month.
If i wasnt pg tho I'd be at the gym 3-4 times a week, but try to go in the days wherever possible

[LIZS]

yanbu but I think you need to be clear in your mind what you think might be a fair arrangement - in terms of time and finances -before you speak to him again.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I am okay but would be happier if you were.

Can I help you out with any baby stuff as we have some equipment and not having any more babies. I have some little lambs nappies too.

[mosschops30]

Thanks FBG for the lovely offer , but we have everything we need for baby, even car seat lol i would just like a new one that I know is safe and fits on the newest pushchair. Oh and too my [blush} I am a disposables girl

Should I phone him and ask him to come home to talk? Or will it just end up in another slanging match?

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

You have to have a new car seat. For me .

Send him a text, say you are sorry for X and can you make up and talk?

[mosschops30]

but am not sorry for anything because IMHO I havent behaved unreasonably.

He never EVER says sorry, he shouted at ds this morning and said 'and you can stay there until you think about your behaviour and then say sorry'
to which i guffawed and replied 'well with half your chromasones thats highly unlikely'
probably not the best start to the day, but am still not sorry, practice what you preach and all that!

[diddl]

I´m confused.
So you usually do have the time and money to do what you want?

Is it "just" stress due to the impending birth?

But I think he needs to rethink his attitude to his hobbies.
Buy second hand in case he doesn´t keep at it for long.
That would annoy me.

He sounds a bit like a child who just can´t settle to anything.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

How would you feel it he said he wanted to leave?

[mosschops30]

I have the time mostly, although I did begrudge over the holidays me being with dc's all week then dh buggering off for whole day at the weekend!
Money - well when Im working full time I can manage, I dont have anything near as much as dh does left but I work out where Im gonna spend it and how, but still have to stick to a budget.
Now Im on mat leave and earning approx 1/3 of what I did when working, money is tighter, and although I have saved enough to put towards the SMP I'll still be about £300pm down.

Unfortunately 2nd hand windsurfing stuff just wouldnt do for dh, he wants the best stuff, and the stuff he wants, and I suppose when you work 12 hours a day 5 days a week you can do that, as long as you are not making everyone else suffer.
The new camera course is £200 so no getting round that, he either does it or he doesnt

[mosschops30]

Well FBG Id be devatsted obviously being 31 weeks pg and having 2 dc's already.
But I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me, whats the point in that, and right now I feel all of this is leading to something, ive been there and done it myself where you behave so unreasonably that the other person cant take anymore and you are then absolved of any guilt of the relationship breaking up

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I don't work or have any money coming in. DH gives me most of what is left after he has paid all the bills. Out of that I do the food shopping and clothe the kids and me. He rarely says no to me.

Right now he is out canoeing which has cost a couple of hundred quid but it is the first time he has done anything like this since before we were married. If it meant I couldn't get the kid's shoes or whatever, he wouldn't have booked it.

Money should be shared and so should free time.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Can you ask him calmly if he is okay or thinking that he wants to leave as you would rather he just talked to you about it than treated you like crap to get you to throw him out.

[mosschops30]

well i did say to him this morning 'dont think I dont know what youre doing' to which he replied 'oh here we go again' and walked out the room!

I know that generally I am very hard work/high maintenance/demanding/nightmare but that hasnt changed since we married 8 years ago, Im still the same person.

[mosschops30]

I think if i rung him and said 'i feel like you want to leave me' he would sigh and hang up

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Hubby says I am high maintenance too.

What are you going to do?

[diddl]

Well, I suppose if you can afford it.

But his hobbies shouldn´t come first, especially when his long hours mean that family time is limited, IMO.

When he goes windsurfing, is it anywhere that you could also take the children?
Perhaps have lunch together so that you´re not all apart all day?

[mosschops30]

the usual - sit here, wind myself up, scream at him the minute he comes in, he'll then go out and the cycle continues

I dont know what to do but having an argument with him is very hard because he never takes on board anything you say, he's always right, if you say something he'll throw something right back at me.
Last night I asked him if he ever drove to work after a row and though oh maybe I was a bit out of line about that, or god I was a bit of an arse ....... his answer was NO!

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I'm not getting the point of driving to work after a row unless you mean he hides out there?

I know you are but it isn't funny really and you know it.

Life should be fun and your DH should make it so much better.

[mosschops30]

yes diddl and he suggested the same, but 9 times out of 10 he goes to this horrible place which isnt even a beach and is just a pile of rock and stones, tis not safe for me or ds.
You cant just nip off and have lunch either, which would be lovely, because he'd have to drag all his stuff back up the beach and pack it in the car to go anywhere.
I agree that he should spend more time with us, but he never seems to want to do anything, even if he is at home not windsurfing he's normally on the computer or tidying the garage

[mosschops30]

I just meant that sometimes the morning after we've had a row, I might be going somewhere, work or whatever and think 'god I was an arse last night' or that I was a bitch about something, but I am usually able to say that I was

[diddl]

I think you need to make a decision that on a cetain day, certain hours are "family time".

Even if it means sitting in the garden together watching your eldest play!