with dh ????? I hope I am !!

[mosschops30]

its been a bit of a rocky week, dh been working long hours, out at 6am, home at 10pm.

Ive felt a bit neglected, if I call him, or he calls me he's quite distant and vague, although according to him its because he busy.

He's taken up windsurfing in the past few months which has been a bit of a bug-bear, not because I mind him doing stuff (which is what he thinks my problem is) its just that every new hobby he has completely takes over his life.
For example a couple of years ago it was shooting, he bought a gun and a hundred magazines on it, spent a few days out shooting with some bloke from work, then got bored. Then it was fishing, again lots of magazines and books, hundreds spent on fishing rods and reels and bait, lasted approx a year, hasnt been for ages. Then last year it was photography, he spent about 1k on camera, new lens, photography course. Now this year its been windsurfing, again new boards, sails, wetsuit, and he really enjoys it, but it comes before everything, he has to go one day every weekend no matter what.
Last night he asked if i thought he should do the next part of the camera course (£200) one night a week. I had a bit of a moan about money, and he said he works hard and that he should be able to spend his money on what he wants, which I agree with up to a point.
But he is not managing his money well at all at the moment IMHO, but if I say that he gets all huffy.
I have saved £300 a month for the last 7 months to get me through my unpaid mat leave, this is so that I still pay everything I pay now, including half the mortgage.

We had a huge row last night, he says that he hasnt got a problem, that hes happy and that if im uphappy then I need to sort it out, he says im controlling and hate him doing anything.

He expected me to be normal this morning, despite him being so rude last night, and then flew off the handle again because i wasnt 'over it'.

IMHO I dont think I should let him talk down to me, not listen to my opinion, tell me to get a life, not take resposnibility for anything that happens in this relationship, then expect me to wake up with a 'morning darling'

If I didnt know better Id say he's acting as bad as possible so I tell him to leave, then he wont feel guilty for leaving his pg wife .... or am I just being dramatic?

Opinions please

(oh and hes gone out again - on his own because ds wanted to stay with me!)

[mosschops30]

youre making me feel lazy but sounds like a good day, have fun!

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Yep

I feel really really good today.

I am loving my new guinea pigs.

Am getting the house work and other jobs done.

Sat in the run with the piggies today but had to put them back as rain was threatening.

Just made chocolate and cherry muffins.

Off to do the ironing now.

Thanks for asking .

[mosschops30]

Lol FBG ...long may it last (well at least for a week or so )

How are you? Good weekend?

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Brilliant!

Fabulous!

Just how it should be .

[mosschops30]

well just to update you, and to thank you for all your (un-MN) reasonable suggestions

dh returned, and we spoke briefly, him saying Im making a drama out of a crisis and just looking for an argument.
After that, he took us out for dinner, then bought lots of goodies from shop for us to tuck into whilst watching x-factor together as a family.
Then yesterday we went out to the beach, ate chips at the park, had ice cream, then came home and I cooked dinner and he tidied up.
This morning he had done a cheque for ds's dinner money and left me cash for petrol as he'd used my car all weekend

Im wondering if he has a twin I dont know about
Oh and I can also have the car seat and we talked about the course etc. All good

[allaboutme]

It sounds like you are normally happy with your set up but that its not working out right now while you are earning less on maternity leave. Perhaps he is woried that you are not happy with your set up in general and is avoiding arguing about it?
I think I'd work out what was really important that you are able to do/buy and then use that to open a discussion with, like the car seat.
For example calmly I'd say to him 'I'm sorry I upset you last night (even if you dont think you did anything to apologise for, you can just apologise for upsetting him to appease him!) I'm feeling a little stressed with being pregnant and on maternity leave as things are quite tight for me at the moment. USUALLY I am perfectly happy with how we work things and dont want to change things permanently, but at the moment while I am on leave having our baby I am earning 1/3 of my usual amount and cant afford to buy very basic necessities to keep our baby safe such as the car seat. I'm really worrying and getting stressed about it. It is stressing me more because I can see that you are still able to spend as much as usual on your expensive hobbies. Please can we sit down and work out something that will make things a little fairer for the period that I'm on maternity leave?'
How do you think he'd react to that?

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Bump to see how mosschops is.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

mosschops - how's things?

[Emlouwhite]

You should ask him plainly how he would feel if it were the other way round, if you can actually get him to properly thinking about it he may realise why it's such an issue for you. It sounds like he's being quite dimissive of your feelings which isn't fair.

[diddl]

I think you need to make a decision that on a cetain day, certain hours are "family time".

Even if it means sitting in the garden together watching your eldest play!

[mosschops30]

I just meant that sometimes the morning after we've had a row, I might be going somewhere, work or whatever and think 'god I was an arse last night' or that I was a bitch about something, but I am usually able to say that I was

[mosschops30]

yes diddl and he suggested the same, but 9 times out of 10 he goes to this horrible place which isnt even a beach and is just a pile of rock and stones, tis not safe for me or ds.
You cant just nip off and have lunch either, which would be lovely, because he'd have to drag all his stuff back up the beach and pack it in the car to go anywhere.
I agree that he should spend more time with us, but he never seems to want to do anything, even if he is at home not windsurfing he's normally on the computer or tidying the garage

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I'm not getting the point of driving to work after a row unless you mean he hides out there?

I know you are but it isn't funny really and you know it.

Life should be fun and your DH should make it so much better.

[mosschops30]

the usual - sit here, wind myself up, scream at him the minute he comes in, he'll then go out and the cycle continues

I dont know what to do but having an argument with him is very hard because he never takes on board anything you say, he's always right, if you say something he'll throw something right back at me.
Last night I asked him if he ever drove to work after a row and though oh maybe I was a bit out of line about that, or god I was a bit of an arse ....... his answer was NO!

[diddl]

Well, I suppose if you can afford it.

But his hobbies shouldn´t come first, especially when his long hours mean that family time is limited, IMO.

When he goes windsurfing, is it anywhere that you could also take the children?
Perhaps have lunch together so that you´re not all apart all day?

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Hubby says I am high maintenance too.

What are you going to do?

[mosschops30]

I think if i rung him and said 'i feel like you want to leave me' he would sigh and hang up

[mosschops30]

well i did say to him this morning 'dont think I dont know what youre doing' to which he replied 'oh here we go again' and walked out the room!

I know that generally I am very hard work/high maintenance/demanding/nightmare but that hasnt changed since we married 8 years ago, Im still the same person.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Can you ask him calmly if he is okay or thinking that he wants to leave as you would rather he just talked to you about it than treated you like crap to get you to throw him out.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I don't work or have any money coming in. DH gives me most of what is left after he has paid all the bills. Out of that I do the food shopping and clothe the kids and me. He rarely says no to me.

Right now he is out canoeing which has cost a couple of hundred quid but it is the first time he has done anything like this since before we were married. If it meant I couldn't get the kid's shoes or whatever, he wouldn't have booked it.

Money should be shared and so should free time.

[mosschops30]

Well FBG Id be devatsted obviously being 31 weeks pg and having 2 dc's already.
But I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me, whats the point in that, and right now I feel all of this is leading to something, ive been there and done it myself where you behave so unreasonably that the other person cant take anymore and you are then absolved of any guilt of the relationship breaking up

[mosschops30]

I have the time mostly, although I did begrudge over the holidays me being with dc's all week then dh buggering off for whole day at the weekend!
Money - well when Im working full time I can manage, I dont have anything near as much as dh does left but I work out where Im gonna spend it and how, but still have to stick to a budget.
Now Im on mat leave and earning approx 1/3 of what I did when working, money is tighter, and although I have saved enough to put towards the SMP I'll still be about £300pm down.

Unfortunately 2nd hand windsurfing stuff just wouldnt do for dh, he wants the best stuff, and the stuff he wants, and I suppose when you work 12 hours a day 5 days a week you can do that, as long as you are not making everyone else suffer.
The new camera course is £200 so no getting round that, he either does it or he doesnt

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

How would you feel it he said he wanted to leave?

[diddl]

I´m confused.
So you usually do have the time and money to do what you want?

Is it "just" stress due to the impending birth?

But I think he needs to rethink his attitude to his hobbies.
Buy second hand in case he doesn´t keep at it for long.
That would annoy me.

He sounds a bit like a child who just can´t settle to anything.

[mosschops30]

but am not sorry for anything because IMHO I havent behaved unreasonably.

He never EVER says sorry, he shouted at ds this morning and said 'and you can stay there until you think about your behaviour and then say sorry'
to which i guffawed and replied 'well with half your chromasones thats highly unlikely'
probably not the best start to the day, but am still not sorry, practice what you preach and all that!