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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my husband should help not interfere with childcare

23 replies

Reallytired · 08/09/2009 22:17

I am on maternity leave as I am exclusively breastfeeding a five month old baby. My husband will not help me with childcare at all as he has been at work all day.

It is hellish hard getting two children to bed. My seven year old has been playing up. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he comes out of his room after 9pm that he will not be allowed to watch TV or play on the computer tomorrow.

My husband decided to have a go at me for shouting at my son, he wants to be his son's friend rather than his father. My husband thinks I am using bullying tatics to get my son to bed. I think he should get off his fat arse and discipline his son. My son has school tomorrow and needs his sleep.

I am tired and fed up, I know I am in for a cr@p night. Why should I have to do flipping everything just because I am on maternity leave.

OP posts:

Meglet · 08/09/2009 22:19

yanbu . You need to have some serious words with your dh.

famishedass · 08/09/2009 22:20

YANBU - wish I had some suggestions for you.

Original poster

Reallytired · 08/09/2009 22:22

My husband has all the fun bits. I've got all the sh!t.

OP posts:

Firawla · 08/09/2009 23:03

Yanbu & i don't think that is bullying to your son it seems reasonable

MermaidSpam · 08/09/2009 23:05

Ooh! Lemme at him!
Get him told in no uncertain terms that you are not the nanny of the house and that your children have 2 parents for a reason!

choosyfloosy · 08/09/2009 23:07

Oh FGS if he spent the day at work feeding a 5-month-old he'd be pretty quick to ask for a break in the evening.

Has he been like this with your other two?

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 08/09/2009 23:07

Good lord.

If he wants to be his son's friend, he can do the whole bedtime thing and you can go up for kisses once 7 yr old is in bed.

YANBU.

FlamingoBingo · 08/09/2009 23:09

YANBU and your husband is a lazy fuck! Does he think you do nothing all day long?

Bloody hell!

Being parents is about being a team, each with different roles to play when you are apart (ie. one earning money, the other 'holding the fort') but when you're both home, you both do the same job 50:50.

Tell him to do it himself if he thinks he's better than you!

Northernlurker · 08/09/2009 23:18

Have you got any friends you can go out to tomorrow night taking the baby with you? That'll leave the arse your lovely man to put your son to bed and then maybe he'll get a shock!

Original poster

Reallytired · 09/09/2009 01:14

I have enrolled on a BSL course that starts in a few weeks time. The difficultly is getting TWO children to bed at the same time. The course is once a week starting 30th September. I will be expressing a bottle of ebm for the baby.

My husband has been putting my seven year old to bed. Yesterday my son got to sleep at 11pm! He has been over tired and a total nightmare. My husband does not understand that seven year old cannot sensibly choose their bedtime.

OP posts:

AllThreeWays · 09/09/2009 01:22

I have always wondered what would happen if we finished work at 5pm every day.
Anyone want to try it for me (i'm single atm).

Work hard all day...kids ironing, evening meal etc. so there can be no "what did you do all day" questions.
THEN
Sit down for the evening, and if anything needs doing, say "I've worked all day, it's time for a rest"
Won't hurt the kids to have dirty dishes or stay up a bit late in the interests of science will it?
Would love to see your DH's reactions....PLLEEAASSSEEE with sugar on top.

mathanxiety · 09/09/2009 05:33

Does he think he's some sort of caveman lugging protein home to the cave where DW and the DCs should appreciate him more? He's feeling very sorry for himself, stuck with all the work while you sit around bfing all day (hence his overidentification with your DS and refusal to be a responsible parent). Don't know how to get around this -- fold up shop at 5pm is hilarious AllThreeWays.

mmrsceptic · 09/09/2009 07:08

Is there not a routine by 5 months? Has this been going on for five months?

Hate to sound critical, I've had bedtime issues too, but you need a new routine, and if he is going to be involved at all, he needs to sit down and work it out with you.

If he's not going to be involved at all, that includes negatively -- so then you've given him the option and he's chosen not to "get involved" "interfere", whatever, and you tell him you do it your way and he sticks his beak out.

If he does want to get involved (lol by the sound of it) you say, ok, this is what I want, he says, I disagree and you work something out to help you both. Or you have a big row (hopefully not) .

You are both exhausted so you have to do something about this.

So you shout, so what. You're knackered and snappy and losing patience not just with your 7yo but with your dh. He's turning you into the bad guy and that's not fair. Really badly undermining. You might not have to shout if he would pull his finger out.

I would write a few things down and remember them so you can stay calm in your fight negotiations.

Original poster

Reallytired · 09/09/2009 12:24

My daughter is five months old and exclusively breastfed. She is in a fairly good routine, for an exclusively breastfed baby. She goes to sleep at 8pm and generally has about 2 to 3 feeds in the night. I am sure she will sleep through when she is old enough for solids. My son slept through when he started solids.

The problem with older children is that they react to the birth of a new sibling. They can be quite malipulative and will play one parent off against another. They can emotionally be all over the place as well as they are adapting from being the only child to being one child of two.

A child who is almost 8 years old does not need as much sleep as a baby. My son needs about 10 hours a night where as my baby will sleep for 12.

OP posts:

karmamel · 09/09/2009 12:30

I say take your youngest and yourself and stay at a friends tonight get some well earned rest and give your husband the chance to deal with bed time routine shock the lazy bugger into action...and breath

colditz · 09/09/2009 12:33

ly though .... how much bedtime routine does a 7 year old need?

My six year old deals with his own pyjamas, his own incontinence pad, his own tooth brushing and face washing, chooses his own book and gets himself into bed. I'm there but I am NOT allowed to interfere. Daddy doesn't live here, so there is no other input.

I would start by encouraging much more independance from your older child, and telling your husband quite firmly not to interfere if he cannot be constructive

Stigaloid · 09/09/2009 12:33

YANBU - you are at work all day too looking after kids - he needs to pitch in and being a father and supportive partner. I'd be having words. As soon as DH gets in i hand over DS and say - i need 15 mins, he is all yours. I also cook dinner for DH and I but DH has to help with bath, bedtime routine and puts DS to bed. There is no compromise here as far as i am concerned. He is 50% responsible for DS being the world and therefore has 50% of duties of care.

I'd pump like there was no tomorrow and then book myself in for a day at the spa and leave DH at home all weekend doing childcare.

Original poster

Reallytired · 09/09/2009 12:48

colditz , My seven year old is fairly independent. He will dress himself and does his own bath, but just does not want to go to bed. He is wilfully disobedient rather than incapable.

The difficulty is getting him to leave his toys alone and to go to bed. It is a battle of the wills.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 09/09/2009 15:03

Parents can only be played off against each other if one or both are willing to play. I think your DH is being a complete twat, and agree he needs to either get on board with you on this matter or stay out of it altogether, but ideally you should both be on the same page. What is DH getting out of all of the nightly shenanigans? Exactly what is he hoping to accomplish by driving you nuts and turning your evenings into a fight with the DS while dealing with his heckling?

btw; is your DS upset that he has to go to bed at the same time as the baby? Does he think it's beneath his dignity? Perhaps you could negotiate a little later bedtime with him, and the DH could read or do something quiet for an hour, then he could go to bed at a big boy time? I once moved bathtime back to right before dinner, while dinner was bubbling in the pot, because there was too much to do later in the evening with baby to put to bed and highly energetic DCs 1 and 2 bouncing off the walls, plus a spectacularly unhelpful (ex)DH who saw his role in the family as second guesser of my plans and decisions and methods. He was actually more trouble than the DCs...

Original poster

Reallytired · 09/09/2009 15:50

I want the baby to go to bed at 7.30pm and my son to go to bed at 8.30pm or as a compromise of 9pm.

The baby is fine. It is just tiring because of the nature of execlusive bf.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 09/09/2009 16:26

YANBU and parents should back each other, he shouldn't challenge you in front of dcs.

But why do you call him 'my' son, and then 'his son', instead of 'our' son?

Laquitar · 09/09/2009 16:28

sorry i pressed post before i finish.
I meant to type do ypu compete with each other instead of being a team?

nappyaddict · 09/09/2009 16:29

Whilst your DH is at work you are still also "working" at home doing the childcare. Therefore when you are both at home you should share the childcare and bedtimes etc. Would your son like his Dad to put him to bed? I'm guessing he would if he hasn't seen him all day. Perhaps if he asked his Dad rather than you then his Dad would be more inclined to do it?

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