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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking DP should get up before this time?

109 replies

LissyGlitter · 08/09/2009 10:39

This is an ongoing disagreement. Me and DP are both night people and hate mornings. I am 30 weeks pregnant and we have a 2.5 yo DD. Neither of us work, although DP does go to quite a lot of interviews etc and I start uni part time next week, although I am technically signed off work due to mental health issues (dormant for the moment, thank god, but as I am pregnant, the doctor didn't want to take chances)

DD wakes up around 8am (although it has been known to be anywhere between 5am and 10am) and I get up with her, make her breakfast and let her have a bit of cbeebies time while I come to. If it is ridiculously early when i get up, or I feel ill, I do this for two hours then make DP get up, but generally I let him sleep till he feels like getting up. He does do pretty much all the cooking of big meals (I deal with things like light lunches and snacks) and laundry and washing up, so he is pulling his weight, but it can't be good for him to lie in till about 11am every single morning can it? Plus it means that if we want him to come on an activity with us, we are only getting out of the house at nearly lunchtime, and she has a nap after lunch so she misses half the day!

Any ideas on how to suggest he move his lazy bum without sounding nagging? He is finding it hard to not be working, and, like I say, does do useful things all day when he is awake, but he needs to move his timetable!

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 08/09/2009 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LissyGlitter · 08/09/2009 16:57

...I used to get up at 8am for school, what on earth are you doing in the morning that takes so long?

And he is registered with loads of agencies-he gets the odd day here and there and they have found him interviews for permanent work, but there isn't much going. He hasn't worked for about three weeks, but during that time his brother died, so I think he can be let off having a couple of days off.

At the moment we are surviving off my benefits for being ill/pregnant (which I was getting when he was working) and some money that his brother left us when he died. We are trying to apply for jobseekers/council tax/housing/more incapacity benefit, but are still waiting to hear back from the DWP.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 08/09/2009 17:08

Love the idea that being a non-morning person is like being gay

In that case, I am out and proud! I suggest a parade once a year, in wild costumes, that doesn't start until 2pm.

My mum is also gay, I mean a non-morning person. I don't remember seeing her face before school in my life. She's great to chat to at midnight though!

Original poster

LissyGlitter · 08/09/2009 17:34

and out of the many jobs i have had in my life, less than half have involved starting work before 11am (in fact, just three - helping out on my dads building site, working in an office and working in a library)unless you count the last bit of a night shift.

He did work mainly 9-5 for the agency before work dried up and managed that fine, he just doesn't seem to see the point in getting up early when he has no work.

He is now very pointedly doing washing up, and questioned why I was online when before I said I wanted to spend the entire day out, I pointed out what time he got up and he stropped off to do more washing up

I am confident he will find work soon, he is looking really hard and has a really promising interview tomorrow (third stage) and if that doesn't come through, his next plan is basically pestering the local care homes till they give in and give him a job! He is also going on a childcare training course run by the local council so that should lead to something.

I'm a bit reluctant to nag him too much so soon after his brothers death - he has been very busy sorting everything out and looking after his parents.

Bless him, he is trying, it's just getting frustrating spending those first few hours of the day trying to come to and looking after DD by myself when I know he is upstairs enjoying precious sleep! And maybe if I was getting more sleep, I wouldn't get so tired in the day and so would find it easier to do housework. He got very frustrated at me today doing the shopping when I kept having to have a sit down because my back/bump was aching or I felt dizzy and I wanted to catch the bus home instead of walking.

OP posts:

alwayslookingforanswers · 08/09/2009 18:03

thesecondcoming - believe it or not I do know the feeling. I only know which "bit" of money I was using to do my shopping as sadly an old dear at church died and I played for the funeral - so had that in "extra".

I do wish when I'm talking about our finances with the vicar she wouldn't say "well hopefully we're have some more funerals to help you out" - it really gives the wrong impression

You'd get council tax at 16.5k??? Hmm - DH's new (hopefully soon to be) job is 15k and we were told we wouldn't get any of the CTB, free school meals etc etc.

I can tell you as homeowners it aint much fun being this side of the poverty trap either.

I suggest and out and proud gay night owl parade combined with out and proud stuck on the poverty line one.......

abra1d · 08/09/2009 18:05

He's being idle. I am NOT an early bird but that is ridiculous.

CurlyQueen · 08/09/2009 18:08

Looking for work does not take all day.

Searching the interweb and applying for everything that is relevant takes very little time once you have your basic CV and cover letter sorted. You have to tweak the cover letter/CV to be appropriate for the specific job but if it's all similar types of jobs there's not much to be done.

Hulababy · 08/09/2009 18:12

YANBU.

Your DH should be out of bed before 11am. He should be out of bed helping to look after his child, helping sort the housework, or be up actively looking for work, etc.

Noone needs to be lieing in til 11am every day! He is being idle.

mrsjammi · 08/09/2009 18:16

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Message withdrawn

mrsjammi · 08/09/2009 18:19

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Morloth · 08/09/2009 18:21

I am not too keen on mornings but Monday-Friday we just have to suck it up. Work/school has to happen.

You guys don't so if we were in that situation we would agree to do 50/50. But if you are not splitting housework he might have a point...

Now however the boy can operate the DVD player, xbox, pour himself some cereal and so we both get to lie in on weekend mornings.

LuluMaman · 08/09/2009 18:22

i think it is easy for resentment to simmer on both sides

i get the whole 'i'm not a morning person'thing.. i'm not a morning person, but sometimes you just have to suck it up

if you both got up and both of you did the house stuff and child stuff, then by 11 am, the rest of the day would be free for both of you to concentrate on whatever it is you need to do

if you lie in bed until 11, you aren't going to be washed/dressed/had somethign to eat until at least 11.30. it is a waste of time

i bet if you did your part of the housework, he'd be more likely to listen to your pleas for him to get out of bed

hardly fair to complain about his lie in if he does the cookin, laundry, washing up and your stuff to

but i do think not being up and out by 09.00 is a bad habit to get into

alwayslookingforanswers · 08/09/2009 18:25

well I shall continue to stay in bed until 11 and beyond every other day as long as I can

However - I do agree with those that say if you're not really splitting the housework 50/50 you're on shakey ground trying to get him to give up some of his lie-ins.

specialmagiclady · 08/09/2009 18:31

A radical suggestion, but while your dc is not at nursery (she could do afternoons by the way, mine did so that puts off the early mornings another year) or school, why not change her routine so she's staying up later with you in the evening?

It would involve a week of hell - screaming tired toddler in the evenings, but might pay dividends in the longterm.

I know a couple of people who put their kids to bed at 10pm and they get up at 10am. In term time, obv, this isn't possible, but all through the hols that's what they do.

Original poster

LissyGlitter · 08/09/2009 18:34

mrs jammi-I'm not technically "on the sick", as in I don't have a job that I'm off from. I'm on DLA, and have been told I could get incapacity as my doctor has told me not to work, but haven't got it due to the application taking so long. Now I'm in the final stages of pregnancy I no longer need IB, I need maternity allowance, but am waiting for an appointment with the CAB to help me apply as I want to make sure to get it right.

Part time study is ok with most benefits, I'll only be in for about four hours a week, with about the same in study time (obviously more just before exams) at home, the DWP seem to view it as improving your prospects. Plus most of the studying at home is flexible around how I feel, so is a lot better for me health wise than working.

OP posts:

LovelyTinOfSpam · 08/09/2009 18:34

Oh god me too. This half the day gone stuff is nonsense and invented by housewives in pinnys in the 30s. I seem to have got on pretty well in life while still sleeping as late as I please whenever I can possibly get away with it.

alwayslookingforanswers · 08/09/2009 18:35

see I think these comments about not being up and about by "x" time being a waste of time and the night owls on the thread (well me anyhow) think - yes but going to bed at 9/10pm is a waste of the evening.

I could go to bed at 8pm and still be hopeless in the mornings so instead I make the most of my evenings and nights to make up for my lack of efficiency in the mornings.

Original poster

LissyGlitter · 08/09/2009 18:39

When I am studying I will have to do it in the evenings if I want to get a decent mark - my brain is mush in the morning! I can just about manage a lecture but don't get as much out of it as I do a later one. Essays have to be written in the afternoon/evening if they are to make sense.

OP posts:

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/09/2009 18:39

If I went to bed at 9/10pm I would be wide awake by 1/2am and that would be me up for the day!!!

I do think with children you need to learn to get yourself up way before 11am.

thrifty · 08/09/2009 18:49

not read your thread but YAbothBU 8am fgs, we only get to sleep til then on the weekends or holidays. go to bed at a reasonable hour. your really gonna be moaning when your baby comes eh?

mrsjammi · 08/09/2009 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

LissyGlitter · 08/09/2009 18:59

I used to work on a casual basis. I was quite ill then, but trying to stay in work as much as I could, when I got really ill the doctors who had been telling me to stop work practically ordered me to stop, and as they were mentioning sectioning me I thought it best not to argue! They were right as well, I had to come off medication due to the pregnancy and everyone was poised for me to be in and out of hospital but I've been absolutely fine!

But anyway, as I was casual I just told them I couldn't work for them any more. Now I have moved across the country anyway. Intending to go back into work on a part time casual basis after having the baby, but I will have to wait and see if the PND/PNP kicks off again. Just enjoying having my brain back at the moment and properly bonding with DD.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 08/09/2009 19:01

It does, however, depend on sick notes as to what else you can do whilst signed off. I was on sick leave for 17 weeks a couple of years ago, but I was still able to do some college course and study - my sick note was specific for the work I was doing at work. I was also able to do some volunteer work elsewhere whilst off from my main job. All above board.

Janos · 08/09/2009 19:02

Lots of tedious early morning puritanism going on here. Why are people being so unkind to OP?

I spy a whiff of jealousy, personally.

Signed, an early getter upper.

alwayslookingforanswers · 08/09/2009 19:05

lol thrifty - you're obviously a morning person and not a night owl.

Because believe you me - I could go to bed at 8pm for the next 6 months and STILL be crap in the mornings (and lose 4-5hrs of the "functional" part of my day).

TLE - I can get up......but I choose not to when it's my day to lie in

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