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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be even MORE judgy of other peoples' parenting since having DS.....

58 replies

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/09/2009 10:13

I know this will come back to bite me in the ass...

I was at a kid's party yesterday. Most of the children were delightful (was a bbq with parents there) but two boys really made me go . One of them was having great difficulty handing over the birthday present (3yo party so kids 3-5), he was really upset that he couldn't have it. Instead of being quite robust with him mum kept cuddling him and (IMO) reinforcing that he was hard done by.

Another boy said to my DS (1yo) 'you mustn't play with that it's X's', and looked positively shocked when I said it was ok, X didn't mind sharing. Later on same boy said 'no that's Y's' when DS had hold of some other toy.

AIBU to judge all over the parents? (I know I am really, but does anyone else do it?) Is it something you do until yours gets to be a toddler/you have more than one?

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 07/09/2009 10:15

Please come back in two years/when you've had another child and do this -

Original poster
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/09/2009 10:17

I so will! I do know I'm being outrageous. But I can't be alone?

FWIW my friend has 3 and still judges all over people with badly behaved kids. She has 3 inc one ASD and rules with a rod (metaphorical) of iron. Her kids are amazingly good. So maybe some people can get away with it? [hopeful]

OP posts:
Ewe · 07/09/2009 10:17

YABU

I did this before I had DD and when she was a little baby. Now she is a monster toddler I have a lot better understanding of why people do things. Most parents do what they think is best. You might not agree but YABU to judge them.

nigglewiggle · 07/09/2009 10:19

I do think it is very easy when you've only had one child for 12 months to be disapproving of other parents and children. You will be presented with your own challenges in the future and you will hope that other parents are not sitting judging you as you fumble your way through.

Ewe · 07/09/2009 10:20

The thing is thought kat is that people have different parenting styles, I would rather have badly behaved children than have to rule my house with a rod of iron!

It's not about bad/well behaved children I don't think, it's about how you parent, plenty of people probably judge your friend for the way she is too.

weegiemum · 07/09/2009 10:20

Everyone thinks they know all about parenting before they have kids and pre-toddler. Or pre-school. Or pre-teenager.

And then it happens and you realise you don't know diddly-squat!

Minxie1977 · 07/09/2009 10:21

YANBU to judge people - there are so many badly behaved children out there with parents who can't be bothered to deal with their behaviour. It would BU to pass on your judgements though - just sit back smugly and think 'at least I'm not releasing another little sod on the world!!'

pjmama · 07/09/2009 10:21

I think I've gone the other way tbh! Before I had kids myself I was the world's best parent, had it all planned out what kind of mum I would be and had a big long list of things I would never do.

Of course my two little darlings came along and it all went to hell in a handbasket!!

nigglewiggle · 07/09/2009 10:22

I also have to say that the 'bad' behaviour you have described sounds positively tame to me.... get ready for some real eye openers.

haventsleptforayear · 07/09/2009 10:22

YABU and we will all laugh in your face in a few years

I agree with Ewe.

My ultimate ambition for my children is NOT for them to "be good".

(It IS however DS1's! Now how do I change that ? )

claw3 · 07/09/2009 10:22

Kat - I think its perfectly natural, we all judge everyone on our own standards.

and some kids are right little shits!

wishingchair · 07/09/2009 10:23

YABU.

That sounds like totally normal toddler behaviour. Not badly behaved at all. They are babies still and it is hard to hand over a gift that they would love to keep, and also completely normal to go into bossy policeman mode where toys and younger children are concerned. Why on earth would you judge the parents for normal behaviour?! I thought you were going to talk about violent or destructive behaviour going unchecked, not a bit of bossiness.

You have a 1 year old. Come back to this thread when your little baby is a 3-5 year old and have a chuckle

gemmummy · 07/09/2009 10:23

yes. don't be such a cow. wait til your DS is old enough to be a little bugger then you will understand.

stillstanding · 07/09/2009 10:26

No one wants badly behaved kids but even if you are the most perfect parent they are going to behave badly sometimes because they are children.

I was at a 1 year old's birthday party the other day and all the children were about that age except mine who is 2.5. DS was being very good but sometimes quite noisy and at one point had an issue with sharing a toy. All completely normal behaviour for a toddler and I certainly wouldn't say he was being badly behaved but I could see those other first-time mums going a little as they compared their one year olds (most of whom weren't talking or walking and were just sitting there as one year olds do) with my DS and them thinking "my DS won't ever do that [ie make a noise or not want to share]" and I had to laugh!

Really better not to judge, kat2907 - plenty of others will do it for you. Since I had children I have definitely toned down my judging and even when other parents do things that I would never do I still think that I don't walk in their shoes and can't know what the background is.

Original poster
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/09/2009 10:27

I didn't mean to be a cow. I wouldn't ever say this out loud! Or let it show on my face or anything. I was being tongue in cheek as well....
But I concede IABU.

OP posts:
MillyR · 07/09/2009 10:29

Once I had children I had a very strong emotional sense that we were all in it together and felt a bond with other parents. Other people's children were important to me because they were important to my children. As time has gone on, this feeling has diminshed, because my children are older and are developing their own lives which are very seperate to mine.

I think I would have felt that being a parent was a very negative experience if I had been comparing myself to/competing with the other parents around me in a judgemental manner.

I think that although people vent judgeyness on MN, most parents only judge in real life if a child is being brought up in an extreme manner.

Stayingsunnygirl · 07/09/2009 10:29

Ohh don't be so rough on kat - most of us have been there, haven't we? Yes, judginess can come back and bite you on the bum, but it's a pretty natural thing to do and (whisper it quietly) it is fun, sometimes, isn't it!

gemmummy · 07/09/2009 10:30

didn't mean to sound harsh kat, i was just thinking of the other day when my ds (2) was having an almighty paddy in sainsbos. i resorted to carrying him under my arm cos he was kicking out so much....i would hate to think people were judging me....actully rephrase that, i wouldn't care what they thought but i'm all for solidarity amongst mums, everyone is different in how they parent, their way might not be yours but how boring would the world be if all kids were the same?

stillstanding · 07/09/2009 10:30

Goodness. Have just read the last line in my post and thought how sanctimonous I sound! I'm afraid in actual fact I am still pretty judgey but when it comes to parenting I think one needs to be a little more tolerant especially when one has little or no experience.

preciouslillywhite · 07/09/2009 10:31

come off it, we all get a nice warm glow from judging other people's shite parenting while turning a blind eye to what our little buggers are doing.

Personally I think it's one of the most fun and rewarding bits of motherhood

Original poster
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/09/2009 10:33

Ok maybe I am being a cow but I don't care, cos we are all cows sometimes and it's fine as long as you keep it in!

OP posts:
Stayingsunnygirl · 07/09/2009 10:35

I agree, preciouslillywhite.

gemmummy · 07/09/2009 10:35

lol at kat. i can be a right old cow too....mooooooooo

claw3 · 07/09/2009 10:37

Kat - I have 4 boys, 16,15,13 and 5. When my kids behaved badly, they were 'cute' when someone elses kids behaved badly, they were 'little shits' its the Law!

LadyoftheBathtub · 07/09/2009 10:39

I don't think you can judge parents just because you see their kids behaving badly, especially on just the odd occasion. My DS has been OUTRAGEOUS during certain tantrummy phases, absolutely wild, but I'm fairly sure that although we try to be loving and kind, we are quite clear with our boundaries, let him know what is right and wrong, follow through with consequences etc. - and normally he is great - but when it goes tits up it's spectacular. (Though fingers crossed at 4 he now seems to be past the worst...) Since having DS I would never get judgy about someone's child simply being a nightmare. They may be doing all they can.

But, I have always removed him from the situation if necessary, always told him it was not acceptable and we had to leave etc., and I have never ever let him hurt other children - if anything like that happens I'm in there, making him apologise and taking him away. What I do get judgy about is parents' crap response to their child's behaviour - when their child obviously, deliberately kicks the shit out of another child or point blank refuses to co-operate, and the parent just doesn't stop them, or just caves in to their demands. I hate that.