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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be even MORE judgy of other peoples' parenting since having DS.....

58 replies

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/09/2009 10:13

I know this will come back to bite me in the ass...

I was at a kid's party yesterday. Most of the children were delightful (was a bbq with parents there) but two boys really made me go . One of them was having great difficulty handing over the birthday present (3yo party so kids 3-5), he was really upset that he couldn't have it. Instead of being quite robust with him mum kept cuddling him and (IMO) reinforcing that he was hard done by.

Another boy said to my DS (1yo) 'you mustn't play with that it's X's', and looked positively shocked when I said it was ok, X didn't mind sharing. Later on same boy said 'no that's Y's' when DS had hold of some other toy.

AIBU to judge all over the parents? (I know I am really, but does anyone else do it?) Is it something you do until yours gets to be a toddler/you have more than one?

OP posts:

ErikaMaye · 07/09/2009 10:41

Everyone judges at times, whether you have no children or several, and regardless of their ages. As long as you know you are being unreasonable, and don't say it aloud in RL, just classify yourself as human and carry on

claw3 · 07/09/2009 10:55

Anyone who says that they do not secretly judge are either lying or Mary Poppins!

sweethoney · 07/09/2009 11:04

We all judge other children at some point, but under no circumstances should we ever say anything unless a child is at risk.
Yes it is very easy to be a parent of 1 baby and feel you are in a position to judge or comment on others parenting. Having been that parent years ago, it is easy to judge and think I would never let my child do that.
However, now with 3DC at 10, 3 and 1 it is a completely different story and more about survival. You learn to choose the battles to have with the children and there are times when just for a bit of quiet and less conflict, you decide to let somethings go.
Parents of multiple children often simply do not have the energy to clamp down on all inappropriate behaviour and when we get the disapproving looks from the oarents with 1 young child, I just think 'wait and see'!

paisleyleaf · 07/09/2009 11:52

I can't even see any "bad behaviour" in the OP.

Original poster

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/09/2009 13:19

I didn't say it was bad behaviour. I said it made me go (inside). I would expect a child of 4 to know that toys are to be shared, even if they weren't very good at it. Maybe that's unrealistic? But the aforementioned well behaved kids (WBKs) know to take turns, even the 2.11yo. I wasn't even at the first boy, but at the way his mum was mollycoddling him. Maybe I am a total cow but I already see kids my DS's age being mollycoddled in a way I wouldn't. I want him to be independent and robust, as far as I can influence that.

OP posts:

Fluffypoms · 07/09/2009 13:36

maybe she was just mollycoddling him as was embarassed and didnt want to make a kfuffle at the party?

YorkshireRose · 07/09/2009 14:08

It's all very well to say "it is up to parents what behaviour the are prepared to accept" but the thing is, their DCs behaviour does affect other people - including dcs!

I was once at the house of my DDs friend when they were both 6. I had brought my 4yo ds with me, who picked up one of the friend's toys as I was chatting to the friend's mother. No one else had been playing with it at the time.

Her lovely daughter screamed "put that down, it is mine!" and proceeded to punch my ds hard in the face!

Her mother said not one word

And do you know what, I JUDGED!

So YANBU, OP, bad behaviour affects everyone so it IS your business if your DCs are affected by it.

Stereophonic · 07/09/2009 14:08

Kat - I'm interested - in what way do mothers mollycoddle their (young) dcs in ways you wouldn't? If you have a 1 year old - that's still very young! You may want him to be robust and independent, and that's probably fine for your ds, but what if other dcs aren't comfortable with it? I don't think that not forcing independence at such a young age is necessarily a bad thing. Just MO.

paisleyleaf · 07/09/2009 14:17

My mistake, I'd thought you were referring to it as bad behaviour because you said "bad behaviour" in your 2nd post.

Original poster

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/09/2009 14:19

Well it is a matter of opinion, of course. Examples (IMO, feel very free to disagree) Buying a brand new rear facing pushchair because you don't like baby not seeing your face. Spoonfeeding puree while DH holds baby up to 10 months and beyond (and insisting DH holds him rather than using highchair). Picking up baby when he cries and/or BFing several times a night at 1yo. Carrying him into every room you go in rather than letting him stay alone in babyproofed room for 5 mins while you have a wee.

(these are all from same person whose DS is a frightened little mouse of a baby who cries when anyone tries to play or chat to him, cries at other babies and clings to his mum. Ok, I do judge. But she's an anxious woman and she's making her DS anxious)

OP posts:

skybright · 07/09/2009 14:19

Children do have different personality's and respond better to different parenting ways,i have three,a 14 year old...nightmare...tantrum queen at 2 then amazingly behaved much better when i had her little sister 6 months later,my 11 year old..amazing baby...at 2-4 would throw a stop even if her socks were on wrong. My little one year old,well he is a bit mmm free spirited,will bite and throw toys in your face..i don't think i have parented them differently,i just think some kids are cope better at different ages and most turn out not that bad.

OrmIrian · 07/09/2009 14:19

I am less. Because I know who bloody hard it is. And I also know that a lot fewer things matter than I thought.

JudgeGibByTheCutOfHerJib · 07/09/2009 14:23

Children being called little shits?

Nice.

YABU - my DD is well behaved but has her moments. So the mother was trying to explain to her son that presents are to be handed over in a kind and gentle manner. What should she of done exactly? In what way could she of been more 'robust'?

Very easy to judge when your baby has yet to explore their place in this world and the overwhelming emotions that accompany that journey of exploration and discovery.

Good luck with that.

millenniumfalcon · 07/09/2009 14:24

lol i knew the op would have just the one baby. having not read the rest of the thread i assume everyone else has already made the appropriate response

stillstanding · 07/09/2009 14:27

I agree with skybright - I'm not sure that I would do a lot of the things that your friend does but you can't have any real understanding of her child. Maybe her DS is a nervous child and she is responding to that ... I wouldn't be too pleased with yourself because your DS is a little braver. Your next one could be a "frightened little mouse" too!

ginnny · 07/09/2009 14:30

I pride myself on being non judgy the majority of the time as my dc can be little monsters and nobody is perfect, but this morning in town I saw two teenage mums with their little girls (no more than 2) with big hoopy earings in their ears pouring a can of coke into two baby bottles, presumably one for each toddler.
I must admit I mad this face

Original poster

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/09/2009 14:30

I did say badly behaved kids but I meant generally, not the specific kids in my OP.

And folks - I know I'm being U. I know I'm lucky with my DS and his nice nature isn't (all, or even mostly) down to my parenting.

Aaaaaaanyway. Glad some people also wear judgy pants too!

OP posts:

Stereophonic · 07/09/2009 14:30

Hmm. Personally, I'd have to disagree with 2 of your examples because I do them, lol!

No, really - rear facing pushchair - well my LO is still in a rear facing pushchair at 16 months, but we didn't buy it new, it was his pram from birth and converts to pushchair, it can be turned around however he is still fine being rear facing.

I still pick him up when he cries (though not in a huge rush to get to him no matter what like I did when he was younger). I'd rather he knows I'm there for him though, I think 16 months is still pretty young. He can't talk yet (well just a few words) so if he's upset he's only got crying to express himself with!

Puree - I can't comment on as we blw, and he's fine in his highchair, and I do let him stay in living room when I need a wee, though if he gets upset when I leave room I take him!
I take your point about making her ds anxious, but I wonder if there would be any need to push him into doing things he's not ready for, if mum is happy with it (like the night feeds - ok it's probably not a nutritional need but at the mo it's a comfort need?)

Everone has different parenting views and there is a theory that pushing them into independence too soon if they are not ready for it isn't a great idea. Only a theory but if the mother subscribes to it she feels she is doing the best thing for her child, and we don't really know if she is or isn't so it's not for us to judge imo!
(though only human to judge, I know.. but maybe U?)

Fennel · 07/09/2009 14:31

I do remember, when you just have one docile little baby, how 3 year olds seem so huge, badly behaved, and spoilt. You don't realise how little they understand about social interaction or language when yours is just a baby.

And now with 3 primary school age children I look at parents of teenagers and think "What are they moaning about, how can it possibly be harder than 3 under 5? They've just forgotten. And why on earth do they let their children treat them like dirt?" but I am fairly sure I'll see it differently when I have 3 teenage girls stropping around the place.

claw3 · 07/09/2009 14:33

Judgegiby - I didnt call any child a little shit, i typed it!

On the assumption that we are all adults and can handle the odd swear word and hopefully have a sense of humour.

JudgeGibByTheCutOfHerJib · 07/09/2009 14:35

Sorry, I don't find referring to a child as a little shit funny. I don't apologise for that.

claw3 · 07/09/2009 14:40

Judgegiby - lighten up.

JudgeGibByTheCutOfHerJib · 07/09/2009 14:47

Must be the sense of humour bypass I had

claw3 · 07/09/2009 14:51

Judgegiby - It was said in a light hearted way, if you have taken offence to it, thats your problem.

thedollshouse · 07/09/2009 14:58

I'm less judgy since becoming a parent as I realise that there isn't a "right" way to parent and your parenting style adapts as the child develops.

I must admit I do sometimes cringe when I see parents mollycoddling children and I think I would have a bit at the situation you describe but I think I am a teeny bit unreasonable. I don't parent in that way but then I have a 5 year old son who doesn't need handling with kid gloves so I suppose I have adapted my parenting to suit the needs of him.

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