to be mightily miffed with my mother in law?

[clemette]

Background - my MiL is 73 and DH is her only child. She was widowed 6 years ago and had sloly been getting more stubborn and intractable aas she gets older. She has always liked getting her own way (as I have) but we have generally rubbed along quite nicely.
We live locally and I am lucky that she has DD one day a week and DS another. She is a loving grandmother and very generous with her time...

BUT she is driving me mad. She is very much of the mind that if the children are with her then she is in charge, even if I am there. An example is that when I went to collect DD today I was planning on taking her straight home for her tea but she was eating biscuits (which she doesn't get at home). OK, so grandparents are supposed to spoli their children, but when DD asked for another and I said no, MiL completely ignored me and said "of course you can DD". She then gave TWO chocolate biscuits to my 18m DS who is a bad enough eater at the best of times.
Then she tells me that she is planning on taking DS swimming on Friday - lovely I thought, but she is taking him at lunchtime. He is an appalling sleeper and needs his nap in the middle of the day or he has a HUGE meltdown at teatime so I asked if she could take him at another time. She said she had to take him then as it was free. I asked how it was free and she explained that she had signed a form pretending to be his mum to get him free swimming sessions.

So this was the ten minute pick-up today and it is always the same - she contradicts me, ignores me and undermines me. If it was my own mother I would have had strong words but I feel unable to confront her. DH is terrified of upsetting her and although tonight he acknowledges he should have siad something, I know that he won't...

So - what to do? I understand that she is doing me a favour and so can have different rules etc, but I REALLY wish they went to nursery on those days where there is no battle about what is going to happen.
AIBU?

Ooh, you really need to get those extra days at the nursery booked - and if she asks why, tell her it's best if she doesn't know everything ...

what thumbwitch said..

If you don't do biscuits, then of course yanbu, you simply countermand her there and then, in your best mummy means business voice. Your dc will instinctively get it, and for her to attempt to over-rule you again would actually cause a scene. Be confident, assume the mantle of control as soon as you are back in the presence of your dc. Be confident, this is your right.

As far as the swimming goes, ok on it's own, it's not that great an issue. It's very easy for us all to sit on our detached sidelines, and perhaps say yabu, but the fact is that you are feeling your own authority somehow undermined, in many other little ways. Of course these little thing ARE isolated, and in no way part of her master plan to userp your position, and render you redundant. she is just enjoying herself, and perhaps getting a little bit carried away by it all.

It IS best to nip this pattern in the bud. You can either thank her for looking into the swimming, and just say, 'but perhaps check with me first, to make sure it doesn't clash with, or upset anything seemingly unrelated.'

Or you could say nothing at this point, bar your concern that it may conflict with his naps, but let her do it anyway. Then when he screams the pool down, cos he's desperate for a nap, you can assume the Smug Mummy aura, with a sprinkle of 'i told you so..' lol!

I've said it before, and i'll say it again.. Ils/Gps are just like toddlers, you have to be consistent and firm..

Could you pretend that more nursery is "to get your DD ready for school" or some such nonsense - just so you don't have to tell her you don't want her to have them (not sure how that helps with your DDS mind)

Is there any chance your DS could have an overnight stay with MIL, so that she could experience his sleep problems? And when she tells you how often he was awake, you could smile sweetly and say "Yes, that happens when he doesn't get his nap."

What is the bizarre behaviour? Have I missed something??

clemette, from your last post, you need to get your DC into childcare now, I would think.
"best if you don't know everything.." WTF??
Does that mean she feeds them turkey twizzlers or other expressly forbidden foods just to spite you?

I find it bizarre in the extreme that, after you refused to sign up to the free swimming lessons because it interfered with your DS's naptime, she went ahead and did it anyway! That, so far, is the most direct example of her ignoring your wishes and undermining you (apart from the biscuits of course).

In your place, I would have them away now - she has done a great job for 4 yrs but now it's time to say thanks but no thanks.

That was exactly it whereyouleftit

Thanks again everyone. I realise that individually the concerns sound petty and precious, but I am bothered by the general attitude that I can be ignored/over-ruled and definitely need to do something about it.

Suddenly occured to me that she is an avid reader of the DM so perhaps she will read about this there and I won't have to confront her

I think there is a difference between grandparents who see their grandchildren occasionally and those who look after them regularly. I would allow grandparents to spoil the children if they didn't see them all that regularly (e.g. only once or twice a month or less) but if they look after them on a regular basis, especially if they "insisted" as Clemmette explained, then they should really respect the parents' rules. I would avoid grandparents looking after children myself as I suspect these sorts of issues with grandparents are quite common. And it would just irritate me to be beholden to anyone and have to be extra nice to them. I'd rather have a simple business transaction.

as a mightily miffed daughter in law i totally sympathise and maybe i'm feeling a bit prickly defensive from a fresh run in with my MIL today,

(hence despite really rare oppourtunity to have a whole nights sleep with dd sleeping through tonight - yay! i'm awake fretting)

but i'd be equally jumpy about the biscuit/swimming. i agree with bubba and bump up to a point but i think your MIL is testing your boundaries, and along with accepting that its grandparents job to spoil kids and it's hard to accept we can't have control over everything all the time, i think you do need to assert your wishes.

re the swimming, with lots of positive how lovely of you to take him, why not explain again your concerns about the knock on effect the midday splash will have on his sleeping patterns and say let's give it a try this time wtih the proviso that if it makes him overtired he will have to go after his nap next time and you'll pay for the session?

failing that, is your MIL the type that can deal with a bit of plain talking? why not try and explain how this makes you feel and see how she responds.maybe then you can just be more open about the conundrum of being mum but not being there and she can say where's she's coming from and maybe you can agree a way forward? (wishful thinking...)

i came accross this website earlier, maybe it will help all us suffering DIL's?

((motherinlawvent.typepad.com/))

If I could avoid it, I'd never be beholden to my PIL in any way. They would do as they wished regardless of my preferences.

It's not really about chocolate biscuits or swimming, is it? It's about complete and active disregard for the mother and how she would like her children to be looked after. The biscuits and swimming etc are just the way of showing the OP her role as mother isn't respected. IMHO.

And whether it's free or not, that's irrelevant. The grandmother gets a lot out of looking after the kids.

Get the kids into a nursery and get your relationship with your MIL very simple and straightforward with no room for disrespect. If she asks why you're putting them into nursery, tell her you've asked her not to do several things, she's ignored you and that it's disrespectful. If she sulks and strops, well then, Q.E.D., you don't want another 4 yo looking after your kids.

Well put winky.

I have a lovely MIL, honestly, and still I tread on eggshells when it comes to things she does that I don't like/don't agree with.

I ask DH to have a tactful word with her - he has a word with her, she knows it's from me, and although she never says anything, I know her feelings have been hurt. (DH doesn't do tactful very well )

I think plain talking to her might be very upsetting; and from what the OP has said about her MIL sulking for 3 days after something very minor previously, it might be counter-productive for her too.

That's exactly it winky - thank you for being able to see through all my waffle!

have only read OP but YABU, she's 73 too old to be watching 2 kids. I know how difficult my dd 18 months can be and I'm 28. you are being ungrateful. It's her house, she can do what she likes. She's not doing anything that bad IMO, you are more than welcome to swap MILs with me, mine is vile. I feel sorry for her.

I may be unreasonable for getting annoyed but she is NOT too old. If she wasn't fully fit and mentally all there she wouldn't have them!!!! She is not a doddery old woman - she goes fell walking at the weekends!
She never has the two together as that would be too much for anyone, and if you had read earlier on you will see that generally she looks after one at a time with MY mum there at the same time.
I don't mind hearing different views about expectations of in-laws but you need to open your mind about age. It is only a number after all!

It is probably best not to comment unless you know the wider story. Just because she isn't an outright dragon doesn't mean I have to accept her lack of respect. I would NEVER allow anyone else to undermine me the way she does!

So, you need to take firm but decisive action. Don't let her disrespect you if that's what you're feeling.

It's her house but they're YOUR children FFS. What you say goes. Regardless of whether it's free or not.

If she doesn't want to look after them, she'd say so.

All this gratitude we're expected to feel for people who can actually be extremely rude. Sod 'em.

I have been pondering this further IREALLY. You say "It's her house, she can do what she likes" but surely the logical conclusion to that is that, for example, she can smack my children if they are naughty because she believes in smacking whereas we definitely don't. Would that also be OK?