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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be mightily miffed with my mother in law?

92 replies

clemette · 01/09/2009 23:13

Background - my MiL is 73 and DH is her only child. She was widowed 6 years ago and had sloly been getting more stubborn and intractable aas she gets older. She has always liked getting her own way (as I have) but we have generally rubbed along quite nicely.
We live locally and I am lucky that she has DD one day a week and DS another. She is a loving grandmother and very generous with her time...

BUT she is driving me mad. She is very much of the mind that if the children are with her then she is in charge, even if I am there. An example is that when I went to collect DD today I was planning on taking her straight home for her tea but she was eating biscuits (which she doesn't get at home). OK, so grandparents are supposed to spoli their children, but when DD asked for another and I said no, MiL completely ignored me and said "of course you can DD". She then gave TWO chocolate biscuits to my 18m DS who is a bad enough eater at the best of times.
Then she tells me that she is planning on taking DS swimming on Friday - lovely I thought, but she is taking him at lunchtime. He is an appalling sleeper and needs his nap in the middle of the day or he has a HUGE meltdown at teatime so I asked if she could take him at another time. She said she had to take him then as it was free. I asked how it was free and she explained that she had signed a form pretending to be his mum to get him free swimming sessions.

So this was the ten minute pick-up today and it is always the same - she contradicts me, ignores me and undermines me. If it was my own mother I would have had strong words but I feel unable to confront her. DH is terrified of upsetting her and although tonight he acknowledges he should have siad something, I know that he won't...

So - what to do? I understand that she is doing me a favour and so can have different rules etc, but I REALLY wish they went to nursery on those days where there is no battle about what is going to happen.
AIBU?

OP posts:

claw3 · 02/09/2009 12:50

Clemette - One of my son's favourite people in the whole world is his Occupational Therapist, she HAS to give him individual attention, its her job, she is also very nice, warm and friendly too. The teachers at my son's school also give him some individual attention and are warm and friendly.

But do they love him, no. Do they dote on him, no. Is she on par with his Nan, no.

Credit where its due, is in order i think.

Original poster

clemette · 02/09/2009 12:56

Fair enough - I just read that you were claiming grandparent care is better than nursery care which various studies have suggested isn't always the case.

OP posts:

lal123 · 02/09/2009 13:04

If you don't like the way your MIL looks after your children then don't let her look after your children. To me the benefits of having granny looking after DD far outweighed the negatives, but that might not always be the case

morningpaper · 02/09/2009 13:04

I think that if she is 73, providing free childcare, even taking them swimming (!) then she is doing loads and she is amazing! She probably signed to say she was the parent/guardian - which effectively she is while she is looking after them. If they hate things like missing naps then surely they will object and cry?

I think YABU and I would let her set boundaries in her own home and when they are on 'Granny time'. Let's face it - she won't be able to do it in 10 years' time.

Mind you I wouldn't take a Granny on holiday but that's up to you

claw3 · 02/09/2009 13:07

Not better, but different. Its about weighing up the pros and cons and what you think is the better option for your kid.

aurorec · 02/09/2009 13:16

I'm with Mme Lindt.

Paid or unpaid, childminder or grandmother- same thing. It's about boundaries. When the parent is around what they say goes.
I'm shocked that no-one picked up on the fact that when the children say 'mummy' she replies! If my MIL (or even my mother for that matter) did that I would freak out!!!!

Re the jam, cake, ice cream and five biscuits in one day I would definitely be pissed off. I understand she wants to spoil her granddaughter but that is enough to give her a mighty tummy ache!

claw3 · 02/09/2009 13:26

My MIL and my mum both do that, son shouts out mum, MIL or mum will reply 'yes darling' its more a case of you stay there and finish your tea, il go kind of thing.

I dont get why mothers ask MIL to look after the kids, then moan and complain about them. Its really simply, dont ask them if you dont like it.

Personally i love MIL's, if they are not doing anything to put your child's life in danger or cause them damage, take a chill pill, your kid wont be scarred for life!

aurorec · 02/09/2009 13:29

In reply to morningpaper's post that I have just read. The issue doesn't seem to be about boundaries when she is alone with the kids.

It's the fact that she undermines clemette (answering for her when the children specifically ask for their mother) and that she completely ignores her and goes against again in front of the children.

If I were in that position I would have no problem with my MIL laying down the law in her own house when I'm not there (I'd kind of hope there wouldn't be too many sweets/choccie though ).
But I would definitely expect last word on schedule/routine decision (particularly with a badly sleeping toddler) and I would not put up with being ignored in front of my own children.

The swimming pool thing IMO is a clear power thing. She signed the little boy for free classes- big deal. She could have easily approached clemette and told her about the schedule and the free/paying classes. It would have been a 5 mn conversation and I'm sure clemette would have paid so that her son could have his afternoon nap. No?

Original poster

clemette · 02/09/2009 13:29

ust for the record - I never asked her to have them. She insisted!
I think we definitely have different ideas about child care claw.

OP posts:

Niftyblue · 02/09/2009 13:36

I to agree what you don`t see MIL doing is o.k within reason the biscuits etc etc

BUT when you are there and you are being undermined its so
It is as if its a competition between you and the grandmother and its not
MIL is always underminding me in front of the kids to suit her and be the favorite

I know tell the kids when we go that if she offers anything they have to ask me first
i have even let MIL hear me say to ds when he said Grandma said i could
"I am your mum "

it is geting easier as mine are now 9 and 6

BUT it can still make my blood boil

pjmama · 02/09/2009 13:43

Mmelindt - I agree that parents rules should be followed, I wasn't suggesting that MILs should be able to do whatever they like with DCs.

What I meant was that in this instance, it sounds very much like challenging the situation may result in the OPs MIL taking her bat and ball home. So how to deal with her really depends on how reliant they are on continued free childcare.

Not all MILs can be reasoned with!

claw3 · 02/09/2009 13:44

Clemette - Come on, you didnt have to agree!

LOL yes most definately. Lifes too short, pick your battles carefully or you will spend your whole life up in arms about something!

lal123 · 02/09/2009 13:47

she insisted??? Sorry but thats just daft - how can someone insist they look after your child? You just say - No and don't drop them off there?

Original poster

clemette · 02/09/2009 13:51

She always assumed she would do it. I wasn't keen from the outset but realised that I was being unreasonable. It has worked pretty well until recently but things have changed. Roll on school....

OP posts:

anonacfr · 02/09/2009 13:57

Well it's sometimes very difficult to say no to family- in this situation the grandmother is a widow and those are her only 2 grandchildren.
I can completely see the parents feeling a bit sorry for her and agreeing to something that in hindsight was a very bad idea.

I find it very hard to say no to my ILs- they're great with their grandchildren but have no concept of routine and napping.
As a (minor and really not that big a deal I know!) example we went on holidays with them for a few days. Normally at home DD (3) has dinner then bed and we eat after. On holidays we were all eating together. We'd finish at about 8.30 (way past her bedtime) and one nightthey decided it would be great to take her for a walk after dinner. They went off for an hour!!!

I should have said no from the start but didn't want an awkward holiday situation... I'm sure I'm not the only one!

cat64 · 02/09/2009 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lal123 · 02/09/2009 13:59

lol - its gets worse when they start school!

slushy06 · 02/09/2009 14:03

clemette
I agree with you if I look after someone eles children I treat them as their mam would like me to and expect the same in return. I would get childcare facilities sorted personally.

Just because it is free does not mean they can treat you with no respect and when I am a grandmother when I mind the kids I wont be doing a favor I will be grateful and happy that their mum trusts me to look after the people most important to them.

I really don't see why it is ok for her to undermine you but some people think that it is not ok for you to do the same back whats good for the goose and all that.

Although what I always do before having an argument is think would your MIL take this sort of crap from her MIL when her kids were young.

claw3 · 02/09/2009 14:04

Clem - Anyway Clem im actually just off to pick up my scatty MIL and take her shopping!!

Good luck, hope things work out for you

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/09/2009 14:05

I can understand the "insisted" thing.

Consider the scenario : "No need for them to go to the nursery every day, my DDIL! I'd love to have them, really, it will give me the chance to be a part of their lives, and childhood is so short, I'd hate to miss this precious part of my DGC's lives. I have such a lot of time on my hands since my DH died, and it would be so nice for me too to have young ones around me again. Do say yes!! Just for one day a week ..."

And at that point, MIL has yet to demonstrate her undermining/overriding techniques. In that set-up, you'd have to have some reason to say no, and it would have to be a bloody strong one if it were not to cause ructions.

Original poster

clemette · 02/09/2009 14:29

I do realise I need to let go (and have on various food related issues - including the fact that she refused to give them the food I cooked and sent - and refused to use cloth nappies etc etc) but your two examples cat are ones that really, really wind me up. With the mummy thing, it is not that my children have got us mixed up - that would be fine and would also often happen to me in the classroom. It is that they come to me, say mummy and she bustles over and says "yes darling".
As for the swimming - what I probably should have made clear is that she gave me the form to fill in and I said I wouldn't as I didn't want him swimming at that time - so she got another and signed it herself!

Anyway. Thanks to everyone for your input. I am glad to hear that I am not the only one that gets wound up by it, I know I have to challenge the things that are really bothering me, and that I have to show humility in some of the things that aren't a big deal.

OP posts:

fedup3 · 02/09/2009 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindt · 02/09/2009 14:56

I think that you have to decide which things annoy you but can be ignored as they do not really affect your daily life. The answering when the DC shout "Mummy" would be in this category. Bloody annoying, but shortly your DC will start saying to, "Silly Granny, I was speaking to Mummy".

The swimming would be in the other category, the one where you have to put your foot down. Yes, it is lovely of her to offer but you said not because of nap time and because you are the one who is up half the night when your DS has not had a decent nap.

Try to leave your emotions out of it and decide which things annoy you because of the way she does it and which things annoy you because your DC are overtired/ill because they have eaten too much sweets/late for an appointment.

Original poster

clemette · 02/09/2009 15:00

My own mum has just phoned. My MiL phoned her and told her off for telling me about the form. Apparently it would be "best if I didn't know everything". Grrr....

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2009 15:17

I share your pain. MIL used to have DD1 one day a week for me. Soon decided it wasn't worth it and booked DD1 another day at nursery instead. Have never regretted it - DD1 (6) now goes to ILs for a couple of days every school holiday. They get their quality time and I get a break - everyone's a winner

Call nursery and find out about any slots going - that colluding with your mother is the final straw

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