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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mightily miffed with my mother in law?

92 replies

clemette · 01/09/2009 23:13

Background - my MiL is 73 and DH is her only child. She was widowed 6 years ago and had sloly been getting more stubborn and intractable aas she gets older. She has always liked getting her own way (as I have) but we have generally rubbed along quite nicely.
We live locally and I am lucky that she has DD one day a week and DS another. She is a loving grandmother and very generous with her time...

BUT she is driving me mad. She is very much of the mind that if the children are with her then she is in charge, even if I am there. An example is that when I went to collect DD today I was planning on taking her straight home for her tea but she was eating biscuits (which she doesn't get at home). OK, so grandparents are supposed to spoli their children, but when DD asked for another and I said no, MiL completely ignored me and said "of course you can DD". She then gave TWO chocolate biscuits to my 18m DS who is a bad enough eater at the best of times.
Then she tells me that she is planning on taking DS swimming on Friday - lovely I thought, but she is taking him at lunchtime. He is an appalling sleeper and needs his nap in the middle of the day or he has a HUGE meltdown at teatime so I asked if she could take him at another time. She said she had to take him then as it was free. I asked how it was free and she explained that she had signed a form pretending to be his mum to get him free swimming sessions.

So this was the ten minute pick-up today and it is always the same - she contradicts me, ignores me and undermines me. If it was my own mother I would have had strong words but I feel unable to confront her. DH is terrified of upsetting her and although tonight he acknowledges he should have siad something, I know that he won't...

So - what to do? I understand that she is doing me a favour and so can have different rules etc, but I REALLY wish they went to nursery on those days where there is no battle about what is going to happen.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
clemette · 02/09/2009 09:01

I would love that! They are never ready when I go to pick them up. Often she will suddenly decide she needs to give them something to eat even if we have an appointment. If I try to encourage them to put their shoes on to get them to she will get out a game or activity!
It is all about power. I just don't want a power struggle two days a week and am starting to think that it will be worth paying for childcare to avoid it.
The reason we have stuck with it is because she really does love them and they love her. But they do get very confused. At home dd has her sweet things limited - yesterday at mil's she had jam, cake, ice-cream and five biscuits. I just think it is overkill! As for ds, she is obsessed with potty training him and tries to make him sit on the potty after breakfast until he goes, even though we have asked her not to because we firmly believe in child-led training!
Bah!

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 02/09/2009 09:11

I don't agree that if you are getting free childcare that you just have to put up with whatever nonsense MIL thinks up.

My parents looked after my DC for a week this summer and would never even think to contradict my rules. Not to say that they would not sneak them a choccy biscuit but no way would they have given my 18mth old 2 chocolate biscuits, certainly not in front of me and definitely not when I had just said no more biscuits.

The swimming thing is annoying, but it will be her dealing with a very overtired 4yo. She might rethink that one.

I would look for alternative childcare. It is going to get worse, especially if you cannot stand up to her.

When she contradicts you, then tell her NO. Mummy says NO. She will act like you are totally unreasonable and give you the "poor me" look but stick to your guns.

Original poster
clemette · 02/09/2009 09:23

I think i am going to have to be the "bad guy". DH is not pleased by whAt is going on but finds it almost impossible to challenge her. She just slams the phone down on him! I died challenging her last week - she wanted DD to miss her sports day so she go and say goodbye to a elderly "cousin" who was going abroad. I refused and she didn't speak to us for three days!
PS mmelindt, it is the little one she is taking swimming. Since she last had him he has perfected the art of the screaming tantrum so perhaps he will oblige with one of those!

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 02/09/2009 09:31

Well done for not cancelling the sports day, that is such an important thing for the DC. Stand up to her, or she will walk all over you.

fizzpops · 02/09/2009 09:32

My Mum has my DD one day a week and although she has been in charge all day she doesn't do the teatime stint and so defers to me when I am there if DD wants a snack - seems a very simple courtesy to me.

On the other hand she does remind DD to say please/ thank you and carries on playing with her etc during the handover - sometimes we both remind her poor thing. It just all goes to make the handover smoother.

Your MIL sounds like she is overstepping the mark. If I was looking after someone else's child, even a relative's, I would not consider myself to be their mother while they were not there. In fact I would probably treat them slightly differently to my DD even if she were there.

I do sympathise with the biscuit issue - you have the choice of potentially making a scene or letting it go on. It isn't always as easy as it might seem to think of something tactful while getting your own way on the spur of the moment.

I would seriously consider nursery - but this kind of thing makes my blood boil. If you can put up with it for longer can you arrange the nursery for a couple of months and then you aren't cutting off contact suddenly?

claw3 · 02/09/2009 10:56

'They are never ready when I go to pick them up. Often she will suddenly decide she needs to give them something to eat even if we have an appointment. If I try to encourage them to put their shoes on to get them to she will get out a game or activity!

Sounds to me like she is just lonely and perhaps wants you to stay for a bit.

Although any career should take notice of what a parents views are, on smacking etc, etc. I dont think a parent should dictate what day and at what time that person organsises activities.

Original poster
clemette · 02/09/2009 11:29

"Although any career should take notice of what a parents views are, on smacking etc, etc. I dont think a parent should dictate what day and at what time that person organsises activities."

I disagree. I think you need to be flexible with whoever is caring for your children, but I think that if a parent makes a decision it should be non-negotiable. She is not following my views on sleep. She doesn't have to because she isn't the one who is up all night.
I don't think I should have to battle her

OP posts:
Nifytblue · 02/09/2009 11:41

She could be my MIL
She does that with cake and biscuits
Its so

She babysat the other week for me and when i phoned to see if they were alright she said they COULD`NT speak to me as they were busy playing
she never asked them

claw3 · 02/09/2009 11:49

non-negotiable = find someone else to look after your kids, is the long and short of it.

Original poster
clemette · 02/09/2009 11:51

How do you deal with it?

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 02/09/2009 11:54

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Original poster
clemette · 02/09/2009 11:59

Or you could avoid any threads with MiL written in the title!

All my friends have wonderful, supportive, warm MiLs - sob.

OP posts:
claw3 · 02/09/2009 11:59

Clemette - i have a son with special needs, so if my MIL offers to look after my son, i am more than grateful.

She is always feeding him things that he shouldnt have etc, etc (he gets very hyper). Despite me telling her she shouldnt 'oh one sweet wont hurt'

Now if i wanted things done EXACTLY how i want them, i could pay a stranger to do it. But i would never dream of it, as i know that she loves him to bits and shows it.

Its about weighing up the pros and cons.

RumourOfAHurricane · 02/09/2009 12:09

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southeastastra · 02/09/2009 12:15

wish my mil could take my sons swimming!

edam · 02/09/2009 12:22

clem - yours is wonderful, spending two days a week looking after your children. How much money does that save you over a year? Must be thousands.

Yes, it must be irritating when she contradicts you when you are there - perhaps you could use one of the assertiveness techniques, like the broken record (saying the same again and again). But ultimately she is doing you a massive favour.

I guess it's the same advice as for dealing with a toddler, pick your battles. If there's something that really pisses you off, talk to her nicely but if you can let it go, do.

Original poster
clemette · 02/09/2009 12:23

See - I need some perspective. I know I am lucky, but I would actually prefer to pay someone rather than rely on the emotional whims of family. So I don't think I am as grateful as I should actually be...

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 02/09/2009 12:27

I do not believe you are being unreasonable, and you are right - it is a power struggle and it is only going to get worse. She doesn't have pupils (or her own DH) to command any more so you and DH are the sole beneficiaries now! It also has the potential to cause friction between you and the DCs, - "BUT Granny says ....!".

Phone slamming and not talking when you and DH hold your ground - well, if she's going to have a tantrum, let her. I'd maybe give her a couple more chances, but with you holding a firm line, e.g. when dropping off child, state they need to be ready to go when you pick them up because of and then be demonstrably annoyed (But I TOLD you this morning ...) when they aren't. But only if your nerves can stand it.

It sounds like you don't need the free childcare but allow it to give your DC/MIL time with each other. It's not working: you've accommodated her out of generosity of spirit, she's taking that as supplication, you need to assert who's in charge here. She'll undoubtedly cut up rough about it, but if you suggest she comes round to your house to play with the DCs she can't complain too much. Might even cut down her imperiousness, being on your territory rather than her own.

Make that call to the nursery and get the extra days arranged!

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 02/09/2009 12:29

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Original poster
clemette · 02/09/2009 12:31

My mother is not allowed to spend time alone with my children due to mental health problems (long story) but IF she was doing I would have put my foot down firmly YEARS ago!

My mum does often go to MiL's to share the childcare (they live on adjacent streets). I suspect they spend much of the day winding each other up about how deeply unreasonable and demanding I am

OP posts:
claw3 · 02/09/2009 12:31

Clemettte - it depends on what is important to you, if having your rules and regulations met is top priority, then pay someone and then complain all you want and insist that these are met.

If getting individual attention, love and having someone dote on them is important to you, they wont get this with a stranger.

Unfortunately we cant always have our cake and eat it.

Good luck anyhow, with whatever you decide

Original poster
clemette · 02/09/2009 12:32

Thanks whereyouleftit. I am too frazzled to do the power struggle any more!

OP posts:
RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 02/09/2009 12:34

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Original poster
clemette · 02/09/2009 12:35

"If getting individual attention, love and having someone dote on them is important to you, they wont get this with a stranger."
At the risk of opening a can of worms, this is actually not true in our experience. DD's key worker is her FAVOURITE person in the world. She gives her lots of individual attention, lots of love and cuddles AND manages to stick to the agreed rules! I have never had to complain to my nursery in the four years we have used it, because my "rules and regulations" are not that demanding - decent food and a proper naptime is pretty much about it!

OP posts:
lal123 · 02/09/2009 12:36

A slightly different view - my MIL looks after DD for me pretty much full time - and although she's never undermined me in front of DD she is very much in charge when DD is in her house - and that suits me fine. She has to be able to set boundaries for DD in her house, and I shouldn't be able to come in and upset those boundaries.

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