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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think overnight visitors are generally a bad idea in the first two to three weeks after giving birth (esp after the first)

20 replies

emkana · 27/08/2009 21:57

Am thinking this because my friend is expecting her first any day and her friend has said she would come and stay for the weekend when the baby's born, but this friend is childless herself and I personally don't think it's a good idea when you're there trying to get breastfeeding going and getting used to the whole thing, unless you have a friend who is really selfless and just takes over with running the house and has no other expectations, which I don't think this friend would do.

OP posts:

curiositykilled · 27/08/2009 21:59

her life, her choice. I would've like the company tbh, everyone's different.

tinkerbellesmuse · 27/08/2009 21:59

YANBU - imo over night visitors should be banned for the first 6 months !

EyelinerOfTheTiger · 27/08/2009 22:04

Agree should be banned. Not helpful at all unless there purely to cook and clean or are a very very close friend who you are happy to sit around part naked, exhausted and bleary eyed in front off whilst not responding to any conversation or making any sense.

A week or two later, esp once partner gone back to work a totally different matter though. Then they would be welcome.

vanimal · 27/08/2009 22:05

My (childless) best friend stayed for the whole of the first week DD was born (she arrived the day I went into labour).

It was SO helpful having here there, but then she is utterly selfless and generally an ace person. She took care of DD1 for me, did all the housework and made us lovely dinners, and kept me company in the day. It was brilliant.

A lesser human being would be a complete PITA though - you need everything or nothing in those first few days.

WidowWadman · 27/08/2009 22:16

Personally I needed a break after a few hours from any visitor, no matter how helpful they were. I remember crying bitter tears after the inlaws left after a lovely afternoon with them where they were brilliant and helpful when the child was just 6 days old. I just was stressed out by people other than my partner being there. It was an odd time, I also remember crying bitter tears when watching that well known dark drama 'Mary Poppins' a day later.

So, even though I never would have thunk I'd be like that before the babe was born, I would strongly advise to limit visits to a few hours at a stretch until the first hormone wave has rolled past and breastfeeding is established (or given up)

HeadFairy · 27/08/2009 22:19

Depends on the friend and depends on your relationship with her. I have two best friends I'd be happy to stay with me a week after having a baby... both would be really helpful, supportive and brilliant. I wouldn't consider anyone else though. They have to be good enough friends that you can say "sorry, I'm off to bed, do you mind amusing yourself for a couple of hours?" and who leaps up and makes you a cup of tea or brings you the biscuit tin every hour or so!

wonderingwondering · 27/08/2009 22:19

I would have found it intrusive - I really liked the three of us being together as our new little family unit for the first week or two.

I agree that once the paternity leave is over, a bit of company is good. But while you have DH/DP there, what's the need for a friend or other relative?

FourArms · 27/08/2009 22:46

It probably depends on the visitor I think. I had my mum and dad the first w/e, it was a BH we so we also had a long daytime visit from my cousin (her dh and 2 DC), followed by my sister (10 years younger, so 14 at the time), and then my MIL!

All were v.helpful, so all were fine. I was struggling a bit with bf, not really sure when that resolved any more.

I had a friend visit when DS was a few weeks old. She did struggle a bit I think. She was very very helpful, but didn't like to see me bfing. She wouldn't have expected me not to feed in front of her, but couldn't look at me while I did. However, I knew she'd be helpful, as she was an old friend I'd lived with at uni.

mathanxiety · 28/08/2009 07:19

This is the kind of thing that makes a friend an exfriend. And I hate people who invite themselves over to horn in on events where they are immediately over their heads. They usually have no idea what to do or what a nuisance they are, don't even have the sense to pack and leave. Very intrusive; unless the friend is a cordon bleu cook, lactation expert and champion housekeeper keep her away until at least a few weeks have gone by and your friend is desperate for adult company.

Tambajam · 28/08/2009 07:44

Sounds like a baaaaad idea to me. However your first friend may feel otherwise.

One my worst EVER decision was ILs coming to stay too early.

diddl · 28/08/2009 08:08

Only OK if the friend will do all the work, and not be annoyed if the new mother sleeps in the day when given the chance.
At the end of the day it´s up to them, but I hope that they are friends enough for the new mother to tell her not to come/go home, and it be accepted without question!

piscesmoon · 28/08/2009 08:12

I depends entirely on the friend!
Anyone coming who is going to do all the work and leave you free with the baby is a good idea-but only if you can rely on them.

slushy06 · 28/08/2009 08:16

I had a childless friend invite herself over 24 hrs after I had given birth and was really annoyed I tried to point out to her before she came that I hadn't seen her for weeks and it wouldn't hurt her to wait and how I didn't really want visitors right now but she didn't understand and turned up anyway with some girl I have never met in my life when I had a go at her her reply was well you have only given birth she just didn't get that I might want some peace and quiet needless to say we are now ex friends and I am gutted as we have been friends since I was 5 so I would say no to friend staying as even if she means well she may just not understand.

Morloth · 28/08/2009 10:54

Well my SIL and MIL are both coming when this baby is born, probably for about a month. Thing is though, they are coming to look after the house and take DS out for fun stuff (school holidays) while DH and I get to grips and DH gets back to work.

I think it depends on a lot of factors. If the friend is going to be a help then it can be wonderful, if she is going to expect entertaining etc. then it will be a nightmare.

breakingnews · 28/08/2009 11:05

2 of my close friends have decided to be on the train after my first contraction... neither has any baby experience and I live in a one bedroom flat.... I'm trying to work up to ringing them to ask them to wait a few weeks before visiting.... just know that one of them is going to take it badly as she really wanted to be at the birth!!! But ho hum the time straight after birth is for bonding and settling in my opinion...

although I think I'd go to pieces without my mum and sister around a lot....

guess its a personal choice down to the individual personalities etc...

weegiemum · 28/08/2009 11:11

I would not have anyone - but that is just me, maybe? Depends on the person I suppose.

When my dd1 was born, my mother came to visit and mainly did cleaning/cooking etc - v ery nice of her, and it did help, but it made me feel awfully inadequate! But then MIL came and wanted to sit and cuddle dd all the time and I had to practically wrestle her away for breastfeding, and that was even worse.

At that point we lived hundreds of miles from family, so they couldn't just pop in.

I'll never do it again, but if I did, I would make sure that there were no visitors staying in the house with us for the first few weeks.

Indith · 28/08/2009 11:29

for me the first few days are for lounging around with your tits out and not having to clean blood off the loo floor each time you go for a piss. Visitors can come for a few hours after that.

I found out recently that MIL is still miffed that I wouldn't let her come up on Christmas day. DD was 2 days old, I was passing clots the size of my fist, the loo was a blood bath because when I moved to try to wipe up blood more gushed out. I still had to sit on towels because I leaked whenever I moved, I was wearing about 5 jumpers with the heating on high and still shivering and when a MW arrived on Boxing Day to check on us she took one look and packed me off to hospital. I really wanted visitors

The point is that you don't know what will happen. Much better to have the baby then think about visitors.

FIL was here the day I got out of hospital. It was nice that he came, he spent the day with dh and ds etc butu I just wanted him to feck off when they let me home, felt like I couldn't relax and he is lovely. MIL came the next day and sat with a smug grin on her face with dd asleep on her. The dd that when she arrived I had been trying to get to wake for a feed because she hadn't fed for 4 hours and was a bit jaundiced so I kind of wanted her to not saleep another hour on MIL but she refused to hand her back.

I hate visitors unless they arrive with cake, make their own tea, coo a bit, take your toddler for a walk and then go home.

Indith · 28/08/2009 11:30

Please excuse the ranting. Bad day!

MrsBadger · 28/08/2009 11:33

breakingnews

do not tell them you're in labour

ring the following day and present them with fait accompli

breakingnews · 28/08/2009 12:59

MrsBadger - that's a good plan if I haven't had the conversation prior to then....

Don't really need the added stress at the moment....

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