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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have gone home in a huff!

81 replies

chocolatefudgebrownie · 26/08/2009 17:37

I am have just been over to my mum and dad's for lunch. My two judgmental aunts were there (they put mumsnet to shame!)

My ds (3.11) is out in the garden and was with my mum. I was with my dd and suddenly heard ds crying. My two judgemental aunts said 'oh just leave him!' 'charming' I thought!

I went to see if he was ok and found him sobbing his heart out saying my mum had smacked his bottom.

I asked mum who denied it at first and then said he had been taking the flower heads off her plants, so she smacked him.

I realise it was wrong of ds to do what he did, but I was absolutely fuming that she thought it was ok to take matters into her own hands and smack my ds. I do not agree with smacking and have made this clear to her on several occasions.

I feel so sad and upset about it and left their house in a huff, dragging my dc's crying with me. I am not sure if AIBU? It was just a smack, but it's the principle that I can't trust her now with ds when I am not about.

OP posts:
ElieRM · 26/08/2009 18:50

YANBU in the slightest. I would be fuming if anyone smacked my DD, especially as I wish to communicate to her that violence is not acceptable under any circumstances and I believe smacking fundamentally undermines this. From what you've said I believe you think the same.
No one has a right to undermine you in such a way, and to lie about it afterwards is also unacceptable. Setting a very poor example to your DS. I'm glad he's ok.
I think you were right to leave, because better to have DCs upset about leaving then to have them witness a major row.
I would speak to your mum, but only whenyou are completely calm and rational. Explain again your reasons for not smacking, and tell her that for you to have a trusting and happy relationship you both need to be consistant when it comes to your DCs. I imagine she's feeling terrible now, and her mental health issues can't be helping.
Talk to her, try to refrain from being accusotary, and if thing escalate into a row tell her you only want to discuss things in a calm manner.
Not sure what to advise about the childcare- possibly spend lots of time with her and the DCs at the same time before leaving them alone again? Or ask her if she feels she can cope with looking after them? If she can't you might need to make alternate arangements. Really hope you get it sorted

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 26/08/2009 18:56

YANBU I think your mother was really out of line.

A bitch woman in a supermarket hit DS1 when he was 4 as it she felt he was in her way.

I smacked her with a left hook for it,

Ok so she calmed it was a hate crime (she was black) and I was hauled of to court, but the fine was worth it. She however was not charged with hitting my son, seems small SN white boys are fair game old black bitches women who hit children are protected.

No one hits my kids, I would do it again tomorrow, my one regret was I should have hit her harder

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 26/08/2009 19:03

"black bitches"

chegirl · 26/08/2009 19:08

Fucking hell Kim. Dont blame you for slapping the woman but Jesus - Black Bitch? Nah mate.

YouLukaPrettyAmazing · 26/08/2009 19:08
Mumcentreplus · 26/08/2009 19:08

Black bitches?????? WTF?

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 26/08/2009 19:08

Sorry that should have been black bitch was just the one.

Don't care if it is un PC and racist She played the race card, got to whack a 4 year old and get away with doing so, I was told I could not make a complaint against her for hilling my son as I had committed a race crime!!

Yeah right, I would have hit the bitch what ever colour she was race was nothing to do with it, well it was on her part it was her get out of jail free card

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 26/08/2009 19:09

Well if she had been white she would have been a white bitch, but I would be allowed to say that on here

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 26/08/2009 19:10

you don't care if it is racist?

classy

I feel the same way as you about violence towards children - nobody is going to hit my children - but then thumping her in front of your child? Confused

Mumcentreplus · 26/08/2009 19:10

I need to step away from this thread but I probably wont

OnlyWantsOneDoesntLikeDM · 26/08/2009 19:10

I don't think it needs to be said again, but YANBU

Have had similar with my mother over this in the past - felt really angry, sad, infact I was bloody fuming.

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 26/08/2009 19:10

you wouldn't have called her a white bitch though, you would just have called her a bitch

that's the point

Mumcentreplus · 26/08/2009 19:15

what has her colour got to do with her bitch level?..nothing..you need to grow up love

kitkatqueen · 26/08/2009 19:16

You know you are not being unreasonable. The aunts are irrelevant ok they were there, but its nothing to dop with them. If they had a good bitch after you left, well at least you've put some excitment in their lives - sounds like they need it.

At some point you are going to need to speak to your mother about what happened, but you were right to leave with the dcs when you did, hopefully it will give her a chance to think about what she has done and how she would have felt in your position. You are owed an apology and an assurance that it won't happen again.

Yanbu on any count.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 26/08/2009 19:18

When I hit her she was about to hit my son again and was yelling she was going to get her son to bring a mechetti [sp] to chop him up.
I could have called her a nut job as I think she was, my point is I hit her cause she attacked a 4 year old child for no reason, she was allowed to do it because of her race, I was not allowed to make a complaint against her (so said copper) as I had committed a race crime,
I don't give a shit what colour she was, she should have kept her hands off my child.
I don't care if she was black, I don't care if she was mentally ill, I don't care if she was the queen of fecking sheba, she should not have hit my child.

My lawyer (who was Asian) said she was able to do it because she was black, my son was white, I could not het her because I was white and she was black, my best mate (who is Jamaican,) said he could have hit har and got away with it.

I have nothing but loathing for this sorry excuse for a woman, regardless of colour.

But I see this is taking away from the OP so I will walk away.

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 26/08/2009 19:21

Blimey what happened to my thread! I don't condone racism either.

Thanks for your comments. Will bear them in mind when I speak to my mum tomorrow. My aunts will have gone home then.

I spoke to ds after he told dh about granny smacking him. I said it was wrong of him to pull the flower heads off granny's flowers, but it was also wrong that he got smacked because hurting others is wrong. I hope this is enough at his level of understanding. Just got to work on granny now!

OP posts:
kitkatqueen · 26/08/2009 19:24

Good luck

Mumcentreplus · 26/08/2009 19:26

'My lawyer (who was Asian) said she was able to do it because she was black, my son was white, I could not het her because I was white and she was black, my best mate (who is Jamaican,) said he could have hit har and got away with it.'

You lawyer is an ARSE...no one has the RIGHT assault your child no matter their colour..WTF kind of people are you dealing with?...she's a bitch and her colour does'nt come into it no matter what others say to you..grow up lady

chegirl · 26/08/2009 19:26

The point is Kim. She didnt hit your son because she is black. She hit him because she is a bitch. So call her a bitch. Black dont come into it.

Got fuck all to do with being PC. Wrong is wrong.

Your lawyer sounds like a tosser too. The prisons are full of black men and women. They are disproportiantly representes within the justice system. A black person is NOT likely to get off lightly. Another myth perpertrated to make those who want to spout racist venom feel justified.

chegirl · 26/08/2009 19:27

represented

Mumcentreplus · 26/08/2009 19:27

goodluck fudgey...

chegirl · 26/08/2009 19:29

And as you were on trial for assualt its unlikely that she would have been charged with anything.

It was you who scuppered your chances of getting her charged by smacking her. How the fuck do you know that if you hit her son the outcome would be any different? Because an (Asian) lawyer told you?

Do you read the Daily Mail too?

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 26/08/2009 19:31

Thanks mumcentreplusone. It's nice to have some support

OP posts:
skybright · 26/08/2009 19:32

I would have left as well,no one was ever allowed to smack my children...bet your mum would get a shock if you said"by the way i have thought about it and i am going to get you charged with assalt".

Not advicing you to get her charged but it would convey how strongly some people feel about smacking.

I had an expereince similar many years ago with my BIL's partner who was babysitting,when she dropped my two year old off she said she had smacked her as she kept touching the CD'S.
She told me as she knew my two year old would,i threw her out my house and have never spoke to her again (not that they have been together for years now). She made a right fool of her self making excuses to all and sundry thinking i had told everyone when i had'nt..put herself right in it.

Every single person who cared for my chidren said they never felt like their behaviour was anything but good...actually writing this has made me realise how angry i still am about it..i wish i had got her charged.

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 26/08/2009 19:53

Skybright- is smacking assault? I thought if I rang the police they would laugh in my face and tell me they had more pressing issues than a smack or 3 on the bottom.

My mum was a magistrate for 20 years, you think she would know better.

OP posts:
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