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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have gone home in a huff!

81 replies

chocolatefudgebrownie · 26/08/2009 17:37

I am have just been over to my mum and dad's for lunch. My two judgmental aunts were there (they put mumsnet to shame!)

My ds (3.11) is out in the garden and was with my mum. I was with my dd and suddenly heard ds crying. My two judgemental aunts said 'oh just leave him!' 'charming' I thought!

I went to see if he was ok and found him sobbing his heart out saying my mum had smacked his bottom.

I asked mum who denied it at first and then said he had been taking the flower heads off her plants, so she smacked him.

I realise it was wrong of ds to do what he did, but I was absolutely fuming that she thought it was ok to take matters into her own hands and smack my ds. I do not agree with smacking and have made this clear to her on several occasions.

I feel so sad and upset about it and left their house in a huff, dragging my dc's crying with me. I am not sure if AIBU? It was just a smack, but it's the principle that I can't trust her now with ds when I am not about.

OP posts:
mosschops30 · 26/08/2009 17:54

FWIW I understand why you just left, I have done this with my mother in the past because its the only thing I could do at the time. Sometimes its good to step back and have time to reflect on it

ViolettaFleur · 26/08/2009 17:54

Perhaps you felt a bit outnumbered with judgemental aunts there and thats partly why you left? Tbh I don't think this is some little disagreement where the air can just be cleared. Your mother assaulted your child, it would take quite a bit of getting over that for me I am afraid and I would need to be convinced she had taken my point on board and would never do it again.

ViolettaFleur · 26/08/2009 17:55

I think it is terrible that she lied. She hit a child then lied about it, I don't think that means regret at all, if you regret something surely you admit and apologise.

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 26/08/2009 17:56

what shall I say to make her realise that it must not happen again?

I feel I can't get through to her. She suffers with mental health issues and I am wondering if that is why she lashed out.

OP posts:
howdidthishappenthen · 26/08/2009 17:58

chin on floor. YANBU. I would be livid. Your child, your rules on discipline.

diddl · 26/08/2009 17:59

Perhaps you could apologise for "huffing", but ask you mum to respect your parenting decisions, and fetch you in future?

ViolettaFleur · 26/08/2009 17:59

If you don't feel you can get through to her then don't try. Just tell her you will not accept her hitting your child and if she won't assure that she will not then I would keep your children away or heavily supervise them when around them.

I know my parents think I am far too soft on my dc and that they are incredibly naughty but I don't really care tbh. It is not their place to discipline my kids, all they need to do is ask me to do it and tell me what has happened and I will sort it out.

Btw my kids are happy and confident often mistaken for naughtiness by the older generation in my experience.

Pinkmumma · 26/08/2009 17:59

YANBU I would have done the same thing as you, has she called you? Is ds ok?

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 26/08/2009 17:59

ViolettaFleur - I did feel outnumbered and I know the aunts would have taken mums side, as they are of the generation that smacked their children and thought it was ok. 'Never did any harm' is what i hear quoted alot. I am trying to do different parenting because my ds hit out alot at other dc's as a toddler and sometimes now and I am trying to teach him it is wrong to hit, so my mum smacking totally undermines my teaching of the right way to communicate his feelings.

OP posts:
ViolettaFleur · 26/08/2009 18:00

Why the hell should she apologise for huffing? It would be a cold day in hell before I would apologise to someone who had hit my kid.

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 26/08/2009 18:01

ds is fine now thanks. I gave him a big hug and said I loved him (I didn't mention the smacking incident) He said 'mama your my friend' which was rather sweet.

OP posts:
chegirl · 26/08/2009 18:01

I have learnt in recent years that sometimes it is better to get up and go than deal with unreasonable people.

What would have happened if you had tried to reason with her? I doubt if she would have backed down infront of judgy aunts. It would have made things worse as she justified her actions with back up.

You mum is more likely to admit to being wrong if you are alone but I wouldnt hold your breath.

alarkaspree · 26/08/2009 18:03

I don't think you were unreasonable to leave. If he had done something which made her really angry, she'd smacked him in the heat of the moment and she had apologised profusely I would have forgiven her, but in this scenario no way. It's unacceptable for her to ignore your wishes about how you want to bring up your children in this way, and anyway for a child that age a simple reminder not to pull the heads off the flowers should have been ample. Smacking is a complete over-reaction.

ViolettaFleur · 26/08/2009 18:04

Was she showing off in front of judgemental aunts by any chance?

The fact that she knows you want to do things differently makes this even worse, shows a lack of respect for you as a parent.

I may be very black and white about this but the only person who acted badly here was your Mum, not you for leaving at all so don't let that colour the way you deal with this.

ViolettaFleur · 26/08/2009 18:06

I do understand about the smacking in the heat of the moment thing, but think what would be being said on here if the OP came on and said I broke or damaged one of my mothers possessions today and she slapped me for it. We would be absolutely outraged, why are we not outraged when a grown adult uses physical violence and causes pain to a child. It is beyond me.

Original poster
chocolatefudgebrownie · 26/08/2009 18:06

My mum will probably back down and say sorry. I am not sure it won't happen again. I am very wary now of taking ds to their house.

He usually stays there all day with just them, on one day a week and is well behaved most of the time. I think today he was exceptionally tired as he slept all the way home in the car. He is always much more difficult to handle when tired.

I don't whether to let him go to their's next week or to keep him at home, until I feel more confident about them looking after him. I am not sure what goes on when I am not there. They assured me they never smacked him when he is with them. I feel so sad not to be able to trust them with my ds

OP posts:
ViolettaFleur · 26/08/2009 18:08

I wouldn't let him go, if she did that while you were there, you can't possibly know what is happening when you are not.

I am going to step away from this thread now and BREEEEATHEEEEEEE............

diddl · 26/08/2009 18:09

I only suggested apologising for huffing as an opener to speaking to her mum.
We all have different opinions.

franklymydear · 26/08/2009 18:11

I don't think you're being unreasonable to not smack and to ask your parents to respect your parenting wishes.

But I do think you're being totally OTT in your reaction.

It was an instinctive reaction from her, she lied out of embarrassment - you are making her feel like the devil by flouncing out - call her fgs and clear the air

franklymydear · 26/08/2009 18:12

"He usually stays there all day with just them"

translation: they provide free childcare?

juicy12 · 26/08/2009 18:13

Chocolatefudgebrownie (wish your name wasn't putting me in danger of falling off my diet wagon...)
Anway, YANBU in the slightest. And I don't think you have anything to apologise for. What if you'd stayed to "have it out" and ended up arguing with your mum and aunts in front of your DCs? I'd have left for sure. When DS was just 4 he got shouted at by a guard at a tourist attraction, who raised his hand to DS for touching an exhibit he shouldn't have been. It brought out the mother lioness in me - I've never been so angry. It's a generational thing I think, as well

FlamingoBingo · 26/08/2009 18:19

YANBU and should have smacked her back for lying! If she thinks that's how you chastise bad behaviour, then she ought to be chastised herself!

Obviously I don't really think you should have smacked her, but I find it ironic that she thinks it's ok to lie but not ok for a normal young child to explore things that interest him.

Blu · 26/08/2009 18:20

Have you spoken to your DS about it? he will be v anxious that he was at the centre of a row between his granny and Mum.

Talk calmly to him, then talk calmly to your Mum and explain that you were very shocked that she smacked your son.

Your Ds is old enough to tell you if she smacks him when you are not there.

Lizzylou · 26/08/2009 18:25

YANBU, not in the slightest.

YOur poor DS, as Blu says I'd have a little word to him. Glad he seems ok, and that he is "your friend"

I would also speak with your Mom and Dad about why you were so upset and why they have no right to smack your child.

I can understand you feeling intimidated when your Aunts were there, I would have been.

GibbonInARibbon · 26/08/2009 18:34

YANBU at all. I would have been just as upset.