Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to convince my friend not to have an abortion?

64 replies

coveredinsnot · 24/08/2009 22:59

Ok, so it's more complicated than the title. Scenario is this:

She is pregnant. It was a surprise. They have been together since January. It's his first ever 'proper' relationship in his life, even though he's in his 30s (very shy...), she's in early 30s, wants kids. He's decided now isn't the right time, as he wants more time just to experience life in a relationship. So, he's asked her to have an abortion.

I'm really not sure how strongly I should convey my thoughts that this would be a mistake. And I think it would be a disaster on so many levels. But it's his/their decision.

I'm not anti-abortion generally at all, but I do feel anti forcing a woman who wants to have kids to have an abortion just because you had an extended bachelorhood and want a bit more play time.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
knockedgymnast · 25/08/2009 00:18

I am in this same situation at the moment. It's not nice. At all.

I have had pressure from ex-boyfriend to terminate or he'll kill himself and pressure from a certain friend that if I continue with this pregnancy, it will 'ruin my life' and that of my kids.

Keep out. Your friend and his gf are both vulnerable at the moment.

mj4ever · 25/08/2009 01:49

i had "have an abortion or i will kill myslef" too!!!!
is it in the man's handbook of "how to be a w**r"??

your friend can make her own mind up and if she does go through with her abortion they will probly break up in the end anyway.

posieparkerinChina · 25/08/2009 03:18

I think having an abortion when you're actually ready for a child is a decision that will come back and bite you. Having an abortion is only right when the woman decides that it is the best course of section for her. ANY man who asks a woman to have an abortion is a twat, in my book. He can say he's not ready to be a father, and therefore should have made sure there wasn't a chance to become one, and that whatever she decides he'll support her.

posieparkerinChina · 25/08/2009 03:19

PS I do think a man has the right to say he would like a woman to keep a child also, but no right to insist. Until men carry babies this will remain my view.

Nancy66 · 25/08/2009 07:19

Nowt to do with you and not your place to offer your opinion.

If he feels like this at this stage the chances of him sticking around and being a supportive dad are pretty slim.

junglist1 · 25/08/2009 08:04

It's not his decision. It's hers. He wants time to experience life in a relationship so she has to go through that? Imagine how she must have felt. So how will he behave if she decides to keep it? Accept gracefully and step up to the plate will he.

Original poster
coveredinsnot · 25/08/2009 08:15

Thanks for your replies. And for those of you who didn't read my second message, the man in this situation is my friend, not the woman. I hardly know the woman, and wouldn't attempt to communicate with her about her decision.

I know this is their decision entirely, but I'm having to think very carefully about how I talk to him about it, since I'm the only person he has told. He's not sharing his thoughts, experiences or feelings with anyone else, not his family or other friends. So, I feel that the pressure is on me to really help him think this through properly.

But I feel very strongly that his reasons for asking her to have an abortion are extremely selfish. I agree that his having already requested this will have been very damaging to their relationship anyway, regardless of whether they keep the baby or not.

But I think he is completely, utterly deluded if he thinks he can coerce her into aborting a child she wants, and expect their relationship to continue from where it left off. He sees it as if he's pressing a 'stop' button. When I spoke to him yesterday and asked him how he'd imagine things to be after the abortion had happened, his answer was very vague and this didn't fill me with confidence that he really had a clue what he was doing.

I think the abortion will destroy their relationship. I think this may be the only chance he has at a decent relationship, and at having children (he is extremely shy and socially not very easy, so it has taken him this long to find a girlfriend... chances of him finding another one, let alone another one that wants to have kids is very slim, I think - pessimistic, I know, but I know him extremely well). I think he will end up back in his very lonely, boring life that he had prior to this relationship.

I feel that I ought to tell him at least some of these feelings I have, because I think he will bitterly regret this decision in the future, and I would regret not at least attempting to help him resolve some of his doubts before aborting his child.

Thanks for your replies!

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 25/08/2009 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBolter · 25/08/2009 08:47

Covered - do you think he would make a good father? Do you think he's selfless enough? Do you think he will be supportive of his gf if he in any way felt co-erced into having the baby?

msrisotto · 25/08/2009 08:51

I think you could let him know that he has made his feelings clear now and should refrain from putting any more pressure on her and let her know that he will support her either way. This is the best way to rescue the relationship.

curiositykilled · 25/08/2009 09:19

Yes it's their decision but surely the time for considering his bachelorhood was before he got her pregnant. I wouldn't be able to not say anything to him. It's very difficult to be under pressure from the father of the child to have an abortion. I agree with alibaba and avada in a way but would include your friend in that. He really shouldn't be putting pressure on her.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 25/08/2009 09:31

Maybe if he is not ready to be a daddy, he should have taken more care.

thesecondcoming · 25/08/2009 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maggiemoon · 25/08/2009 09:44

I think i would say to him that ultimately the decision is going to rest with her. I think I would encourage him to talk to his partner about how apprehensive he feels about becoming a dad but how he would support her whatever her decision.

The fact is, she is pregnant. The fact is she wants kids. The reality is that she'll go ahead with the pregnancy. He now needs some good advice on facing his responsibilities and attempting at least to make a go of this.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 25/08/2009 09:45

No I am saying I wanted two children I have two children....

I know mis haps happen, I know someone that has has 6 abortions (as a form of contraception) I have no problem with anyone having a an abortion,

But if the chap wants to get rid of the baby because (at 30) he is too young/ still has things to do/ not ready/ bit simple or whatever maybe he should have thought that a baby was a possible out come of sex.

Getting rid of a child because you can not be grown up enough to be a daddy is a tad selfish

scottishmummy · 25/08/2009 09:45

i think this a deeply personal couple issue they must resolve

not well meaning friends and/or family. so regardless of how much it irks you. this isnt about you

it is all about them and some monumental thinking

they need space,privacy and to figure it out as adults,as a couple

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 25/08/2009 09:46

I think your name is very apt for this thread thesecondcoming

thesecondcoming · 25/08/2009 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 25/08/2009 09:57

maybe I have a dirty mind today

beanieb · 25/08/2009 09:58

"Maybe if he is not ready to be a daddy, he should have taken more care." to be fair to this couple we have no way of knowing what care they took. it is very possible they have had a contraceptive failure or a double contraceptive failure.

curiositykilled · 25/08/2009 10:06

Well yes, but there is already a pregnancy, he can't make that fact go away even if he wants to make the baby go away. I just think it's a bit tough. It is too late to be thinking about his bachelorhood however the baby was conceived.

It might be that she wants an abortion but I think the OP is implying she doesn't. If she doesn't want an abortion he should not be pressuring her. He has already lost his bachelorhood.

AnyFucker · 25/08/2009 10:15

thesecondcoming...are you a manc ?

Madascheese · 25/08/2009 10:17

It's really tough, but I think you are not in a position to give an opinion until you're asked for it. the rights and wrongs of what they 'should' or 'shouldn't' be doing are their responsibilty.

If you are asked for an opinion I'd do what someone suggested, ask the questions and let him draw his own conclusions, if he wants the relationship he needs to be prepared to learn to work at it, if he doesn't then as much as you may care for him you can't force him to make it happen.

x

thesecondcoming · 25/08/2009 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 25/08/2009 10:28

no, not in Bolton < phew, nearly outed >

not too far away though

I like you tsc, you are funny and it sounds like we could have been mates (that wasn't stalkerish, btw)

I love the Stone Roses and all the Madchester stuff. It reminds me of my hedonistic younger days....

Swipe left for the next trending thread