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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to convince my friend not to have an abortion?

64 replies

coveredinsnot · 24/08/2009 22:59

Ok, so it's more complicated than the title. Scenario is this:

She is pregnant. It was a surprise. They have been together since January. It's his first ever 'proper' relationship in his life, even though he's in his 30s (very shy...), she's in early 30s, wants kids. He's decided now isn't the right time, as he wants more time just to experience life in a relationship. So, he's asked her to have an abortion.

I'm really not sure how strongly I should convey my thoughts that this would be a mistake. And I think it would be a disaster on so many levels. But it's his/their decision.

I'm not anti-abortion generally at all, but I do feel anti forcing a woman who wants to have kids to have an abortion just because you had an extended bachelorhood and want a bit more play time.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

coveredinsnot · 24/08/2009 23:00

my friend is the man in this situation by the way.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 24/08/2009 23:01

it's their decision. he's expressed his desire to not have a baby, now it's up to her to decide.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 24/08/2009 23:01

What does she think? Has she agreed? There is nothing wrong with giving your opinion gently as long as it's about her and not your own agenda, allow her to say how she feels, listen to her, and respect her choice.

itsmeolord · 24/08/2009 23:01

It's not up to you to convey your thoughts on way or the other.
The woman is an adult and can make her own choices, my dd's father tried to force me to have an abortion, I chose not too.

Chunkamatic · 24/08/2009 23:01

You haven't said what her feelings are though? OK she wants kids at some point, but with someone who dosen't, so potentially on her own, is different.

My initial reaction is that you should be supportive, not so judgemental.

Alambil · 24/08/2009 23:02

he should have thought about it a bit longer before playing with fire perhaps!

they need to talk...

MaureenMLove · 24/08/2009 23:02

I think, if she is a good friend and you are a good friend, you should keep any thoughts you have to yourself and just let her talk. I mean that in the nicest possible way, of course! I just think this is such a huge thing, if she decides to do something because you've 'convinced' her, as you say, and it all goes horribly wrong, it'll be on your head.

Listen, support, nod and sympathise in the right places, but don't convince her either way.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 24/08/2009 23:03

Oh. In that case it's different. Maybe you need to impress on him a woman's potential emotional attachment to a pregnancy, even an unplanned one, and how it might fuck her up if he convinces her to do this and break up their relationship. And talk to him about what he is scared of.

AnyFucker · 24/08/2009 23:03

stay out of it would be my advice

MaureenMLove · 24/08/2009 23:03

OK, so HE is the friend, but the same advice goes for both parties, I think.

AvadaKedavra · 24/08/2009 23:04

YABU.

It's upto them/her.

supersalstrawberry · 24/08/2009 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kitesarefun · 24/08/2009 23:06

Yep it's absolutely none of your business, so unless they ASK you what your opinion is, stay out of it.

beanieb · 24/08/2009 23:07

As you don't really know what her feelings are on the situation, and as you weren't there when they had the conversation I don't think it would be fair of you to persuade him either way. This is between the two of them.

He's perhaps come to you for advice? Are you really qualified to advise him or would it just be better to suport him in whatever he chooses.

Has he told you how she feels?

thesecondcoming · 24/08/2009 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raffyandted · 24/08/2009 23:10

I don't necessarily think you should convey your thoughts. Not unless you are asked for them first, that is. If your frind asks for advice or your opinion then by all means 'tactfully' say what you think.

preciouslillywhite · 24/08/2009 23:12

I had a similar one to this- ie a gf in the same position with a younger, self styled "free spirit"of a twat bf.I felt ve-eeeeery strongly that she should have the baby- luckily I kept this gut instinct where it belonged -ie in my guts and she went on to have the abortion.

Three months later he had free spirited off.

Keep schtum is my suggestion

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/08/2009 23:12

YABU. It's none of your business.

Speaking as someone who has had an abortion, it's a bloody awful thing to go through and the last thing she needs is some interfering (sorry but you are) person coming along and telling her they think it's a bad idea.

If you must make your feelings known, then perhaps you should talk to your friend (the man) seeing as he is the one who's opinion you disagree with.

Apologies for the rant, but you have rather touched a nerve!

MsHighwater · 24/08/2009 23:12

In your shoes, I think I might seek to point out to my friend that if he seeks to persuade his gf to terminate a pregnancy when she actually does want children at some time might very well be the killing blow for the relationship anyway. The very fact that he has asked her this could be enough even if, in the end, they decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I am also not anti-abortion in principle but I would be extremely uncomfortable about anyone choosing to terminate in these circumstances.

lilacpink · 24/08/2009 23:16

Perhaps he doubts both of their abilities to parent a child at this moment in time. I would listen, and offer my point-of-view if asked, but would be clear that it is my POV, and that I would support their decision.

AvadaKedavra · 24/08/2009 23:23

Thank you Alibaba for saying what I wanted to, for same reasons, but deleted.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/08/2009 23:26

Avada -

thesecondcoming · 24/08/2009 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WickedWitchSouthWest · 24/08/2009 23:31

I'd keep well out of it. Offer support and friendship throughout but I'd be keeping my opinions to myself - ppl have family to comment on their relationships, not friends!Like lilacpink says, offer your pov if it's asked for only but be prepared to support his decision either way.

slowreadingprogress · 24/08/2009 23:43

agree with those who say keep out of this. Your opinion really should not be a factor in their decision...of course it's complex and you suspect it may be the wrong decision for them, however, it could perfectly equally well be the right decision too - they've only been together a few months, they don't actually really know eachother! Hardly a good start to being parents. I can think of fab parents who've started out in this situation and of course for them that's great but that isn't always the case...

so I think all you can and should do is support your friend.

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