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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

By telling PIL that i don't want them constantly buying DDs gifts?!

23 replies

Mum07 · 23/08/2009 12:05

After a week on holiday with PIL when they bought DD1 her first Barbie (puke) my DH announces that on their next visit to us they'll be bringing the trampoline (with safety net) they've bought for DD1 to put in our garden.

It's already pretty crowded with a slide, swing, mini-seesaw and the 6ft sq playhouse they bought her (£400!!!!!!) for Christmas that she never uses. PLUS it's not Christmas nor her birthday, they are creating a spoiled brat of her and a moody cow of me by objecting.

I'm fed up! If we wanted one of the bl00dy things we'd have bought one ourselves.

OP posts:

lilymolly · 23/08/2009 12:17

why not speak to them, and tell them that whilst, you really appreciate their kindness, that perhaps they could consult you before buying a gift, or maybe consider investing money in a bank account rather than wasting it on toys dd does not use.

Believe me, I hear so many people who get naff all presents or support so think yourself lucky

pinkyp · 23/08/2009 12:19

tell them to save there money, or you'd prefer if they wanted to give your dd a gift then you'd be more greatful if they wanted to add something to her savings account etc.
I think YABU - grandparents love to spoil there grandkids as much as they can

MaggieLeo · 23/08/2009 12:23

I wouldn't mind a trampoline!!

I am so relieved that I no longer get parcels of handknitted clothes for my children from the xfil's wife anymore.

The only thing my x and I have agreed on in ten years was the total hideousness of these yellow/mint green knitted cardigans. She's probably a good knitter, but uses VILE wool.

Well, when the last package arrived smelling of lavender and fags, I dID send an note to thank them adn enclosed a photo of the dc.

In the meantime I got a snotty mail to reprimand me. It said "I'd be grateful if you could at least let us know if you received the parcel or not" (this was a week later!).

I sent an email back saying, I did thank you, I'm sorry if you feel I didn't thank you enough, or quickly enough.

NO MORE HIDEOUS knitted crap. thank god.

KateMess · 23/08/2009 12:29

I think I remember you posting about the massive playhouse don't I?
Why not tell them you'll take down and store the playhouse to make room for the trampoline?

Original poster

Mum07 · 23/08/2009 12:58

I know I sound ungrateful and we're in a really lucky position to be able to buy pretty much whatever we want our kids to have BUT i don't want them growing up thinking that 'stuff' is easy to come by and that they deserve anything they want on a whim.

I also know they're making up for the fact they that had bugger all to spend on DH when he was a kid but they can't 'correct' his childhood with my kids.

The problem is the talking, not much honest conversation happens on that side of the family, everything's brushed under the carpet and a smile is plastered on to hide any real reaction or emotion. I'm sure they'd be staggered at my feelings on this.

OP posts:

moondog · 23/08/2009 13:01

Hmm, dodgy one.
I remember the playhouse thread too.

You just have to tell them.

differentID · 23/08/2009 13:08

why doesn't your dh grow a pair and tell them? they are his parents and he sounds like a coward for allowing them to keep doing it. He's the one who will be complaining in a few years that the children are spoiled, as will they- they'll start saying she's never grateful for what she gets.

If necessary, have the argument in front of his parents.

IsItMeOr · 23/08/2009 13:11

What does DH think?

We have made a joke of it with our parents that we're like the airlines, and nothing bigger than hand language is coming in the house for DCs.

And I'm not convinced that PILs can turn your otherwise charming children into spoiled brats by lavishing gifts on them when they visit, unless they're with you almost all the time. You can talk to your DD about the value of things, can't you? And if she doesn't use the playhouse, then put it away/sell it and put the proceeds into a saving account for her. Tell her you're going to do this.

Check DH is happy with this plan before you do it, as he may have to answer questions about it from PILs when they visit, but so long as DD benefits from their generosity one way or another, I can't see that they could really object.

NanaNina · 23/08/2009 13:12

I think your PILS are behaving unreasonably in just buying this stuff without bothering to think how you feel about it. I agree that loading a child with too many toys/too much equipment etc is not good for them. I am a GP and love buying things for my GC but I am careful (if it's something big for birthday or christmas) to discuss it with the parents first. This is never a problem and they usually have something in mind and we either buy it or contribute towards it.

I have to say that all of my GC have too much stuff in my opinion so I try not to add to it too much, even though I am a bit of a consumer myself! For the older GC I have inthe last few years been giving them tickets for pantomimes/plays/musicals for christmas plus the price of an overnight stay for them and the parents and this is a nice treat.

What is is with your PILS apart from making up what they couldn'tgive their son? Do they like to be seen to be so generous. Time I think for a frank talk though you will have to be very caerful as I suspect they willget very hurt and upset by stopping them inthe buying stuff.

I wouldn't worry too much about a Barbie even if you hate them,I bet your daughter loves them! BUT as for allthe other stuff it seems ridiculous and as you say kids don't always play on all this garden equipment anyway especially if they are on their own. IME kids need another kid to really have fun on this sort of stuff.

Why doesn't your DH do something about this and talk to his parents. I know that's what my sons would do if my buying became a problem. He could suggest they open a bank account for your daughter to help her when she's older which is another thinkg I do for my GC.

Hope you can prevent the trampoline arriving!

Mumcentreplus · 23/08/2009 13:16

Just tell them or ask DH to tell them..I don't think he's a coward (bit over the top)...probably just doesn't want to rock the boat..how does he feel about it?

maybe suggest they buy smaller toys only when she visits them as you feel she is being spoilt..I think they would understand if you are honest...most grandparents like to spoil their GCs..they sound lovely just a little bit overindulgent

gasman · 23/08/2009 13:58

I think you need to tell them straightout. It will need to be worded carefully though.

Is there something you want your kids to do that might strech your budget a bit much eg. riding, ballet etc. My Mother controlled my grandparents spending excesses by getting them to contribute to school fees!

She also stopped them buying us brand new cars for our 17th birthdays. Has reinforced the value of money.

Meglet · 23/08/2009 14:05

yanbu. I think they need to stop buying so much stuff, expecially if you don't have the space for it.

Try not to take some of it out the box / take the labels off etc so you can exchange it at the shop if possible. I exchanged lots of the dc's xmas toys (that they did not need) for loads of arts and crafts stuff that will keep them going for ages.

diddl · 23/08/2009 14:13

How close are they?
Would it work for the trampoline to stay at theirs for your daughter to use it there?

But if your daughter would like it, take the playhouse down as suggested.

Pitchounette · 23/08/2009 14:42

Message withdrawn

cornsillk · 23/08/2009 14:45

DH needs to tell them. Does he feel the same way as you about this?

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 23/08/2009 14:48

of course you are being unreasonable!

They are allowed to spoil them, that is there job.

piscesmoon · 23/08/2009 14:55

DH needs to talk with them. Get them to keep the trampoline in their garden. I think that the Barbie on holiday is fair enough. You might not like them but DDs do, on the whole.
I would sit down and discuss the whole issue, Grandparents should be able to spoil t a certain extent, but not OTT. It needs give and take on both sides.

forehead · 23/08/2009 14:56

I am sorry to say this, but i think you are being a little bit unreasonable,because you seem to be getting a bit annoyed with PIL. I do however understand that you don;t want your children to be spoiled, but if you bring them up properly to appreciate what they have, they will not be spoiled. I would advise you to get your dh to suggest that it would be great if they could put money in a savings account to help their grandchildren with things such as their education. I think that your dh should be the one to bring this up, because if you speak to them, they may get offended.
You should be grateful that your PIL even pay attention to their grandchildren some grandparents couldn't give a toss.

snapple · 23/08/2009 15:00

it is such a lovely day outside and i have spent too long on mumsnet- can you send me the play house and the trampoline over - i'll gladly have them
i'd even gladly house the barbie.

deste · 23/08/2009 18:48

Why not tell them that you will put the trampoline away and that she will get it for christmas, from them of course.

zipzap · 23/08/2009 21:43

Could you slightly mis-understand the message from your dh and ring up your PIL to tell them that it is very sweet that they are thinking of buying your dd a trampoline but that you (and dh if you think he would agree or if you had) thought about getting a trampoline and that you had thought about it but when you looked in the garden and worked it out, you had actively decided not to as there was no space left in the garden with the playhouse etc in there and throw in a few horror stories about accidents on trampolines including those with safety nets, so that you can say that you are sure that they want to put your dd's safety first.

Then if they say they have got it already you can have a very surprised 'Oh' and pause and think aloud that 'well at least it hasn't been opened so it can easily go back...' If they object to this then another 'oh' and pause and think aloud that well it will have to stay at their house for when you are all there. If they don't like that, then get into a loop - if they bring the trampoline the playhouse goes to their house, if they want the playhouse to stay here then the trampoline goes. and see how it goes.

good luck, hope it goes well! Guess it just depends how much you want to get into saying no to the PIL...

mathanxiety · 23/08/2009 21:47

Are they going to pay the extra insurance when the trampoline becomes a fixture? Telling them no is surely DH's job here? I like the musical playthings idea, but a heartfelt NO from your spineless DH is what's needed.

woozlet · 23/08/2009 22:15

yanbu, they sound over the top. and they should definitely ask before buying something like a trampoline that takes up so much room.

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