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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

sex

18 replies

cowslip · 16/08/2009 17:58

my husband only wishes to make love once a month, he stays he loves me but does not want to make love as much as me, how many times is reasonable and what should i do help??

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 16/08/2009 18:01

Reasonable = what both parties are happy with. How much would you prefer? Does he seem into it when you do have sex?
You need to talk to him about it. I know lots of posters on here will say that once a month is ok, but for me, personally, it's not a lot at all. Once a week would be minimum I would want for myself.

snigger · 16/08/2009 18:16

Ten points for Most Likely To Get Noticed AIBU.

Once a month wouldn't work here.

There's no such thing as 'reasonable' within a physical relationship - I think there's compromise, or there's putting up with what you can get.

Have you addressed why your husband feels this way?

I think it's worth some investigation, it's not fair if you need more and there's no room for discussion.

slowreadingprogress · 16/08/2009 18:16

It must be so difficult though - sometimes both parties are just not going to be happy if one wants once a month and the other wants more. I don't know how you reconcile that really.

I mean, is he actively turning you down at times?

snigger · 16/08/2009 18:24

That's probably not helpful - is everything ok elsewhere in the relationship?

victoriascrumptious · 16/08/2009 18:27

Does that include blowjobs? Would he turn down one of those?

Original poster

cowslip · 16/08/2009 21:42

i have tried talking but he says it is my problem.

I just don't know what is reasonable.

OP posts:

WidowWadman · 16/08/2009 21:48

Reasonable is what both of you feel happy with it. If either of you feels it's too little or too often it's not reasonable.

Doing it because it's a Tuesday and not because you want to is not ok and takes the fun out of it.

FWIW, I once dated a guy, gosh, almost 10 years ago, who decided that at the ripe old age of 22 he had enough of this sex lark and could go for months without. It completely wrecked my self esteem, and his refusal to talk about it, negotiate etc ultimately destroyed the relationship and I left.

danthe4th · 16/08/2009 22:05

Blimey has he got it on the calender, once a month is fine if thats what you both want but surely sometimes its every week or twice in 2 weeks or whenever, I agree with vc if he turned down a blowjob then I would be worried.

LastTrainToNowhere · 16/08/2009 22:14

Our average is probably about once a fortnight, but we've been together for 12 years and the spark does fade a bit. We used to be at it like rabbits in the early days. But the key word is "average". Sometimes it's twice in a week, sometimes it's more like once a month. Sometimes, if things are tough in other areas of our lives, we can go a couple of months before noticing we haven't been doing the deed

Like other posters have said, there is no reasonable figure, it's what both partners are comfortable with. If one partner wants significantly less than the other, I really don't know what the solution would be. Not much help, I know

juicyjolly · 16/08/2009 22:35

Do you mind telling us how old you and your partner are?
How long have you been together?

Original poster

cowslip · 17/08/2009 09:24

we have talked about it again and again and it is very upsetting as he says he is happy and the problem is all mine however i find it deeply upsetting, maybe i am being unreasonable for wanting him to do something he does not want to do.

OP posts:

KidsTunes · 17/08/2009 13:41

You're not being unreasonable to want to be sexually satisfied. If his wife/partner/whatever is not happy then it [b]is[/b] his problem, if he doesn't understand that then he's emotionally deficient - I suspect though it's more likely that there's something else affecting his sex drive that he's avoiding talking about

If you can't fix this between yourselves you will need to see a counsellor

(the blowjob suggestion is a good one)

Original poster

cowslip · 17/08/2009 18:16

I am very happy to give him a blow job or anything that would change things!

We are 40 years old and I feel in the prime of my life.

How many times do other members have sex he says its just the people on the television that have sex often?.

I try and pretend to myself that I does not matter but I feel I am kidding myself.

What is normal!!

OP posts:

slowreadingprogress · 17/08/2009 18:28

I'd say what is normal is both partners being largely happy with the situation. Perhaps not many people will match exactly in how often they want it and I would imagine in nearly all marriages there are times when one partner turns down the other - but I'd say it sounds like you have a big disparity and that while you have had to compromise, he hasn't really.

Personally if you feel you've talked and talked and you're still not happy, I would make clear that this is a major relationship issue for you both - he can't say it's just your problem if it's ruining the relationship. Would you be open to some sort of counselling?

Original poster

cowslip · 18/08/2009 19:02

What would you do if he refuses to see a counsellor.

Do you think once or twice a week is reasonable?

OP posts:

CHW · 18/08/2009 19:17

Once or twice a week is perfectly reasonable but only if it is for both of you. I can often not be in the mood for ages, a month or so, but then get the urge back. I think it depends on what else is going on as well for me. Does he have a lot of pressure or stress? That won't help. I hope you are not feeling as if you are the weird one as you want to more than him! Neither of you are weird, everyone is different, and you need to find some kind of middle ground.

Sorry if this has just been a repetition of what everyone else has already said!

landrover · 20/08/2009 13:10

ask him

Malificence · 20/08/2009 15:16

Once a month for a healthy couple with no complicating factors such as working away/shift work/ young children etc. is not good imho.

I'm 43 and hubby is 44, married 25 years and we have sex on average 3/4 times a week, ( or twice a day on holiday - that's why we go away 3 times a year!) it's only been like this for this year though as we have far more time together - we are a lot happier and much closer than we were for a long time, shift work has more impact than most people realise. Before that it was perhaps 3 times a month, with neither of us happy about it.

Sex once a month can't be satisfying for either of you, he can't last very long ( unless he's mastubating a lot and that would be a worrying sign !) the more sex you have the more you want and the better it gets.

If he knows you're unhappy, why won't he make the effort to have more sex? Even if my hubby's not particularly "in the mood" I can usually persuade him .
I couldn't be with a man who didn't want me/find me sexy enough to want sex with me.

Flip