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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go on a hen do because I was TTC?

22 replies

Rosieeo · 13/08/2009 21:46

I was invited on one of my best friend's hen do last year and I initially agreed to it. I shouldn't have agreed as it was a 2-day, very expensive weekend, plus they were all off clubbing and I can't be doing with all that.

When I was asked to pay up the month before (£250!), I realised that the weekend fell when DH and I should have been ttc. This tipped the balance and I made my excuses and stayed at home. The month after I got my BFP, so I don't regret not going!

However, another friend just called me to say that she'd put her foot in it with hen do friend and told her why I didn't go. Apparently she was fuming and I'm waiting for an angry phone call right now

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

Firawla · 13/08/2009 21:48

i think yanbu, and it sounds like this hen do was a while ago now? so your friend is bu to mention it and stir things with the one whos party it was

Aranea · 13/08/2009 21:49

Ooof, I'd be pretty cross if I were your friend. Doesn't sound too good to say that you can't come on a special day to make her feel loved, because you need to stay home and shag!

picmaestress · 13/08/2009 21:50

No. YANBU. Both friends should totally understand the situation. If they don't, they're not very nice friends...and seriously, what about the other friend? Did she not think about actually defending your choice, and pointing out you deserve to be left in peace, and happy, and pregnant?
and...£250?!
Ignore the phone call is my advice. Man alive, lady, your friends sound tough work. ;)

kalo12 · 13/08/2009 21:51

these hen dos that last for days and cost loads of money are completely unreasonable in my opinion

gagamama · 13/08/2009 21:52

How long ago was the hen weekend? Has your friend got married yet? Sounds like she's being a bit Bridezilla to me, not wanting anyone else to steal her limelight. £250 is a LOT of money (when did hen nights all of a sudden become hen weekends anyway? And so expensive?!) and it's absolutely up to you whether you want to go and what your reasons are.

YANBU at all, your money, your weekend, you can do whatever the hell you like. If she'd paid for everyone to attend then it would be different. Sounds like you used the time much more productively than they did. And congratulations!

traceybath · 13/08/2009 21:52

yanbu - hen/stag weekends are madness. Far too much money/time commitment from friends.

Would far rather have stayed at home and shagged than gone on most of the hen weekends i've been on .

To smooth things over though you could say that the 'stirring' friend had got things a little confused and it was more of a financial decision it just happened that your baby was coincedentally conceived that weekend too.

muddleduck · 13/08/2009 21:52

only unreasonable if it cost the others money because you dropped out at short notice.

why did you tell this particular friend and not your "best friend"

Aranea · 13/08/2009 21:53

But it sounds as though the hen do friend was happy to accept OP's non-attendance until she found out that it was just because she was ttc? So the question of whether it's OK to expect people to spend £250 etc is irrelevant, no?

mazzystartled · 13/08/2009 21:54

i think you were a bit u, if you had previously committed to going.the mate who's do it was is obviously hurt. and your ttc window was probably more than the 2 days.

i wouldn't have told anyone why you chose not to go

Original poster

Rosieeo · 13/08/2009 21:54

It was a while ago, my ds is now 5 months old!

I think that the friend who dropped me in it thought it was a joke. I seem to remember her finding the whole thing hilarious at the time, but it did seem insensitive to tell other friend why I wasn't going, so I didn't. Plus, it wasn't the only reason, just one of them,

OP posts:

wannaBe · 13/08/2009 21:58

well, IMO these hen/stag weekends that cost a fortune are madness.

But I do think that yabu for not going because of ttc.

If I were your friend I would have been pretty pissed off tbh, because you could try for a baby the next month, or the month after that, whereas there would have only been one hen do iyswim.

Aranea · 13/08/2009 21:59

but you were specifically asking whether you were bu not to go because you were ttc. Saying 'it wasn't the only reason' at this point is a bit aibu by stealth!

mazzystartled · 13/08/2009 22:00

that long ago and she's still upset?

i think expensive hen dos are stupid and unneccessary - but I think you shouldn't let your friends down if you can possibly help it. it's awful if you have a party and the people you care about don't show.

Original poster

Rosieeo · 13/08/2009 22:01

I think I just mentioned it in passing to other friend when I told her I was pg, in a 'good job I didn't go on the hen do' type comment.

It didn't cost anyone any money when I dropped out. When I told best friend I said I couldn't go cos of money, DD and DH's work, which was true in part.

OP posts:

Firawla · 13/08/2009 22:01

he is 5 months old, so its well over a yr ago since this event and she is still going to phone you up angrily to have a go? fgs! its about time she gets over it, what's the point in fuming about something thats so much past and presumably things have been okay with you since then? her making a big deal would be really unnecessary now

deepdarkwood · 13/08/2009 22:02

YANBU to not have wanted to go - £250 is a lot.

Your mate is totally U for letting your secret slip.

But YABU to have let anyone know that you weren't going because of ttc - these things DO come out. A bit hard for a bride to be who probably wanted her best mate there to know that you decided you'd rather stay home and shag (when as far as she is concerned, you could have postponed that for one month/shagged either side) than help her celebrate her special day (which you had previously agreed to)

I don't know how easily you conceived, but even so,unless your mate knows you had trouble ttc, expecting her to prioritise it is a bit hopeful.

EyeballsintheSky · 13/08/2009 22:02

I remember ttc and it's all encompassing. The idea of having to wait another month was torture. We had to delay ttc by three months for a couple of reasons and it was one of the worst periods of my life; it was all I could think about and there was nothing I could do about it. So if you felt anything like that then YANBU not to go.

Original poster

Rosieeo · 13/08/2009 22:04

On the stealth side, maybe I should have made it clearer in the op, but I did say that I shouldn't have agreed cos it was hugely expensive and I don't like clubbing.

I think she's upset because she didn't know She hasn't called me yet, so I might ring her.

OP posts:

Aranea · 13/08/2009 22:06

Are you sure you've been properly dropped in it? It sounds as though you're ok really if you just said 'good job I didn't go then, ha ha'. It makes it sound as though it was a happy side-effect rather than the real reason you didn't go. At any rate, I'm sure you can present it that way to your friend if needed.

Original poster

Rosieeo · 13/08/2009 22:08

EyeballsintheSky, thank you! I am a complete control freak and I hated ttc, the idea of missing a month made me shudder.

I know we could have tried again the next month but I can't feel guilty about that now because DS is here, my gorgeous boy, and he would be a different baby! I know I would love that baby just the same but it's impossible to imagine.

OP posts:

deepdarkwood · 13/08/2009 22:09

What reason did you give for not going, OP - that could also have a big effect on how your mate is taking it...

GYo · 13/08/2009 23:08

YANBU
hen dos are hideous. congratulations on your new baby

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