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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To object to a visiting 7 year old calling DH 'sucker'....

16 replies

chablis · 13/08/2009 19:59

when DH asked him to get his shoes on ready to go home (he had already been asked 3 times).

The same child, on our trip out today:

repeatedly kicked his elder brother in the back, and punched him in the face
never once said 'please' or 'thank you'
snatched food at lunch and helped himself to more biscuits (after having been told he's had enough i.e. 3!)

and -shouted driving instructions at me from the back of the car when he didn't like the fact I wasn't overtaking a truck in front.

When my children are around him their behaviour changes for the worse .

It's really sad, as he is my friend's youngest child, but I really can't bear having him here.......

OP posts:

famishedass · 13/08/2009 20:07

Oh dear, do you have to have him with you? Can't you socialise with your friend in the evening without children, that's what I do with one friend whose dd isn't very well behaved.

Original poster

chablis · 13/08/2009 20:11

It's a bit awkward - they have two children the same age as ours, and the eldest two get on very well (and their eldest is a lovely boy).
So whenever we arrange stuff for the older ones then the younger ones want to get together too.

I just can't understand why their youngest is soooooooo badly behaved.

My friend DOES tell him off, but he doesn't seem to have any respect for her (and the fact that he's willing to call DH names confirms his general disrespect for adults).

OP posts:

laweaselmys · 13/08/2009 20:16

I knew a family like this. The youngest grew out of it, and while you may find it very annoying it was more of a case of after a short while all the other kids ganging up against the bad behaviour than being taken in by it.

Gillybean73 · 13/08/2009 20:23

what a nightmare!! If I was you, I would still allow the devil child to come round (for the sake of all the other children who play well together) but I wouldn't be afraid to discipline him as you would your own kids. I would explain to him that when he is in your house or car that he will behave and live by your rules or just tell him that if he doesn't you won't allow him to come back again. Hopefully that will work! Your friend may however be a bit arsey with you over it but I would stand your ground and politely explain that you value her friendship and don't want to fall out with her but her son's behaviour is affecting your own childrens behaviour and you can't allow it to continue. If his behaviour improves, she may even see the light and thank you for it. Try putting the little darling into timeout in a room by himself (or similar) away from all the kids and he should soon get the message. Good luck x

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/08/2009 01:12

I'm with Gillybean73, I have used the "my house, my rules" line with several of my DS's friends. Never had to do it more than once per child, but that was by nipping it in the bud. If this boy has already "got away" with disrespect you might have to reprimand him a few times to bring him into line.

Have you raised it with your friend at all? You would feel better about doing this if you knew she was going to back you up, i.e. when he moans to her about being ticked off, she reinforces with a "well you shouldn't have been cheeky it's your own fault".

screamingabdab · 14/08/2009 01:23

I agree with Gllybean and Whereyou. Next time he comes round try the "my house my rules" thing. if he's still rude, mention casually to your friend "BTW, Beelzebub called DH a sucker today, so I had to tell him off"

(I don't really think he's a devil, BTW. As someone said, 'tis probably a phase. My DS2 is pretty cheeky at home. I hope to God he's never been like it elsewhere, but if he is. I would hope someone would tell me!)

ravenAK · 14/08/2009 01:43

Yes, absolutely do 'My house, my rules'.

The possible outcomes are:

he behaves himself
he carries on playing up, & your friend agrees with you that his behaviour needs sorting - & either lays the law down or makes other arrangements when his elder sibs are coming to yours to play or
you & your mate have a fall-out over it - which will eventually happen anyway if you go on tolerating him.

He needs to learn that he can't behave so rudely without consequences.

Original poster

chablis · 14/08/2009 15:58

It's such a shame, as all the rest of us in the two families get on really well. They are the sort of people I could imagine going on holiday with IF it wasn't for their son's behaviour.

BTW the list of things like kicking, snatching etc were while I was out WITH MY FRIEND and all the kids. It was only later he was at our house without his mum.

She DOES tell him off, but it's a bit half-hearted, and I get the impression that maybe she does it because she senses I think she should, rather than because she thinks it will have any effect?

He just seems to have so much aggression for a 7 year old. When she was younger he was always a bit cheeky, but seemed fun with it, but now he seems to go too far, and his language and attitude is rather unpleasant.

OP posts:

deaddei · 14/08/2009 16:40

Agree with Gillybean. Sit him down and have a quiet, firm word with him.
We had a friend who was as good as gold when he was here but as soon as his dad arrived would go mad- fighting, shouting- used to dread it. But I had the little chat- looking him directly in the eye- and said if that kept happening he wouldn't come any more. And I had his shoes and coat on at 6 oclock and just tossed him out of the door when parents arrived.

screamingabdab · 14/08/2009 18:10

chablis It sounds as if she might be a bit stuck with him - maybe given up a bit.

That's hard for you, though. I think all you can do is discipline him in the way you would your own when he's in your house. Continue to tell her when he plays up, so she can't bury her head in the sand about his behaviour (you'll have to tread carefully though, and do it in a casual manner).

katiestar · 14/08/2009 18:34

He probaly feels very comfortable with your family because you and his mum are such good friends and feels safe playing up a bit .
TBH none of the things you have mentioned dound very serious to me except maybe the fighting but surely that was for his mum to sort out and wouldn't affect you directly ?

Original poster

chablis · 14/08/2009 19:13

Katiestar - I agree that they don't sound very serious as 'occasional' or 'one-off' incidents, but he is like this constantly

So he kicks his brother (who shouts and tells him to stop it) his Mum tells him to stop, and then 30 secs later he does it again.... and again... and again.

He's just a 'shovey, pushy, pulling, hanging off' sort of kid - he kept pulling my DS2's T-shirt to slow him down, or stop him (DS) from doing something before him. If he goes in a gravel path he HAS to kick it up at someone, or throw a handful at the back of someone's head. If the grass has a sign saying 'keep off' he will grin at you and wilfully march across it.

It's constant.

After 2 hours with them I was exhausted and tense. The kids then wheedled and whinged about 'coming back to play' at each others houses, and I got the short straw and ended up with the monster child!

Within a few minutes I could hear DS2 begging him not to destroy his lego models... when they wanted to go on the Wii I heard DS2 say "I'll just ask my Mum" and this child said, "don't bother - let's just do it - we don't need to ask anyone - it's your house"

DS2 is fairly malleable and listens to everything this kid says.

The problem with adopting the 'discipline him the way you would your won children' approach is that I'd be standing over him telling him off every five minutes.

Is it possible my friend really doesn't 'see' what he is like, and other people's perceptions of him? Or does she just have her head in the sand, having given up?

OP posts:

katiestar · 14/08/2009 19:38

Oh I see that is a tricky one !I would be tempted to see the friend when the kids are at school.When the older 2 want to play together I think I would come up with something like you have noticed how much better the big ones and the little ones play when they are apart from one another , or that 4 is too many to have at once ,and then make sure you end up with the older pair and she with the little ones.
We have aboy who is just like this and i don't think you telling him off when he happens to be with you will change things one iota.In this boy's case The school and the parents under the direction of a psychologist have been working on a system and maybe a year down the line e very small change might be seen but not much. I feel very sorry for his clssmates who are sick to the back teeth of him , let alone his teacher !

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 14/08/2009 19:52

He sounds a right brat, do not have him round again and if ask why say because he is rude, spitful and greedy

strawberryswitchblade · 14/08/2009 20:25

YANBU IMO
I have a friend with a DS like this too, they are due to visit over the weekend and my DS1 has told me he's dreading it. (He is a couple of years older, has moved achools and seems to have "outgrown" the other boy.) He doesn't like DS playing with other kids, can't share, is incredibly inappropriate with the things he says in front of adults and younger children, throws up if he can't have his own way etc..., his mum hardly tells him off, thinks he's funny.
Last time we were together he said something that made me, so I did mention it (I have 2 younger DCs that I wouldn't want speaking like that) DS1 really doesn't want to play with him, but I had terse messages a while ago about from mu about was DS avoiding him etc, she's conveniently forgotten that her eldest (who was originally my DS's friend) used to stay in his room when we visited once he felt he was "too old".
I think she is maybe not blind to it, but doesn't bother so much with discipline because he has a medical problem, but TBH, he behaved this way before he got his DX (it is not behaviour-related BTW) and has always been incredibly spoilt. Last time they were here she got pissed and ranted on about how I should be grateful my DCs were healthy (and obviously I am - who wouldn't be - but it was a bit uncalled for), it seems a bit that she is proud of the way he acts

I know my kids aren;t angels, but I would like to think (or at least hope) that they can muster a little respect for adults!

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/08/2009 23:33

"The problem with adopting the 'discipline him the way you would your won children' approach is that I'd be standing over him telling him off every five minutes."

If that's what it takes. The alternative is to let him do what he likes and become an even bigger little sod towards your family. Might even be the best approach, he won't want to come back! It is daunting, but once you're ticking him off you might even start to enjoy it .

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