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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To be considering stopping my unborn childs dad having access to his son?

18 replies

feelingreallylow · 10/08/2009 23:30

I am 38 weeks pregnant and split with my babys dad around 5 weeks ago. I found out that he was cheating on me with a so called friend, he got her pregnant and she miscarried, then hes now shacked up with an ex girlfriend and she is also pregnant which I believe happened whilst we were together. I am now in 2 minds about whether to let him actually be a part of our sons life as to me it seems he really doesn't give a shit. AIBU?

OP posts:
slowreadingprogress · 10/08/2009 23:41

Yes totally YABU. Your son will only ever have him as a father. That's the reality.

Your son deserves that you at least give his father a genuine chance to let your son experience having a father. I know this is difficult to hear for you now as it's not your fault this situation but whether you chose it or not the fact remains that dads are REALLY important to children, perhaps specially to boys.

If he mucks up (which tbh sounds as if it's on the cards given his utterly feckless behaviour - can't he use contraception??)then that is sad all round, but you can't stop it 'just in case'.

siouxsieandthebanshees · 10/08/2009 23:41

I understand how you feel. And no yanbu, as your ex sounds like a prick to me.
But; you need to be able to look at your boy when he is a teen and say to him, I gave your dad every opportunity to be a favour to you. I didn't give up, because I love you so much.
Even If you tell ex he needs to visit your ds at your home, and while he is visiting you go and do something else, (like ironing/cooking/struggling for things to say that doesn't take you out of your ds's reach)

siouxsieandthebanshees · 10/08/2009 23:42

FATHER not favour

Thunderduck · 10/08/2009 23:43

YABU for exactly the same reasons that Slowreading gave.

MollieO · 10/08/2009 23:46

I would give him the opportunity to be a father but if he doesn't want to know then don't think you are failing your ds. Plenty of boys do very well without a father presence in their lives.

NotaGoddess · 10/08/2009 23:47

YABU

DollyPS · 10/08/2009 23:51

The thing is will he step up to the plate and be a father at all here as he seems to shack up with any female and get them pregnant.

Will he even go and sign the reg with you when said baby is born at all.

Give him this chance and if he buggers it at least you tried and he loses out through his fault not yours.

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 10/08/2009 23:57

Hi thanks for all the replies. I had considered it but deep down I know that our son does deserve to know who his father is. My other dilemma is giving our son his surname or mine? After reading the replies I will go with my gut instinct and let him see our son. I don't want it thrown in my face in years to come that I never gave him the chance and mayb e just maybe he will be a good dad.

OP posts:
Toffeepopple · 11/08/2009 19:45

Personally, I would give him your surname.

He could have his dad's surname as a middle name - much easier to "lose" a middle name if he wants to later.

sleeplessinstretford · 11/08/2009 20:10

hi,i have sort of been in a similar situation.My daughter has my name as she will always be connected to me and therefore it made sense to have the name connection.
I think what you have to do is give the knobber enough rope and he will surely hang himself.
I am not one to say 'yes,all children should know their parents' because provided you aren't acting out of spite you should have the best interests of your children at heart.
My daughters father was a serial fantasist,who lied,cheated,ripped people off and left me to face the flack-finally declaring himself bankrupt weeks before the baby was born-the money is irrelevant,the fact 'people' were after him to get stuff off him-money/stock/his head on a pole worried me immensely.I also knew that he'd only ever let her down.
So,he's not on the birth cert,it's father unknown as if i had ever needed benefits i knew fucking well i'd get nothing if connected to him and i didn't want him and his ilk following me all my life.
by the time she was 2 he'd fucked up and fucked off-it was no great loss,we met him last year for the first time in 12years,he's still a fucking idiot-dd is glad we weren't stuck with him.
the end.
depends on your motivation for doing it,spite is not a good one.

jellybeans · 11/08/2009 21:20

I would definately give him your surname. I always think it is abit odd when mum and DC have different surnames, DD had my surname as if we split I didn't want to have different names since they would live with me.

Original poster
feelingreallylow · 13/08/2009 18:38

I have spoken to dickhead (babys dad) and he is really playing the guilt card with me saying how he has a right to be at the birth as its his son too! Turns out the woman in question is 16 weeks pregnant, apparently we split and he had a one night stand with her. He already has a 6 year old daughter and does see her. I have decided I won't be having him on the birth certificate because in years to come I know he is likely to be awkward regarding schooling etc. The surname wasn't a spite thing, I have 3 children already who have their dads surnames but we have obviously been together when baby has come along. I am still unsure about that side of things. I will definitely be letting him see the baby, it's for my sons benefit not his though. My other concern is that he may push aside our son when this other girl has her baby as I am sure she will be willing to let him be at the birth etc. TBH I don't hold my breath when it comes to him being a good dad but we will see.

OP posts:
beanieb · 13/08/2009 18:41

I don't think he has an automatic 'right' to be at the birth even if you were still together.

You can, if you want, ask that he not be allowed in.

I think you should include the surname as a middle name as suggested because it's then leaving your son with the option of keeping or removing it at a later date.

HarlotOTara · 13/08/2009 18:42

You need someone around you can trust and feel safe with when you give birth - doesn't sound like he fits so ignore the guilt card and do what is right for you when you give birth. My eldest dd has a father similar and she chose not to see him anymore when she was 12.

Hope it all goes well.

malung · 13/08/2009 22:16

A father is one who works hard and does everything in his power to love, protect and care for his child. Being a FATHER is a doing word.
There is so much more to being a father than just DNA.
A man who conceives a child and does nothing to support the mother and baby is not worthy of the title.
Thank god for so many strong mothers.

Gillybean73 · 13/08/2009 22:34

I'm in a similar situation at the moment and there is absolutely no way I'll allow my baby's Dad to be present at the birth. I think you'll have more than enough to contend with without worrying about him being in the room at the time and any potential upsetting comments etc that he may or not make. The delivery room should be as stress free as possible and if you are honest with yourself, it won't be with him in it so tell him a firm no and stick to your guns. No one can make you have him present for the birth if you don't want him there.

waitingforbetterdays · 13/08/2009 22:44

I think you should give your baby your surname as you will be the one looking after the baby everyday and taking him to school.

Also after how he treated you he has no rights to be at the birth.

Gillybean73 · 13/08/2009 22:56

Meant to say in my earlier post that I'm giving my baby my surname, I think it is best that way as there will be less confusion for all concerned when he/she goes to school etc. I would recommend you do the same. I'm still wrestling with whether to give the father access to the baby or not so can't really advise you on that as I don't know what to do either! Good luck and I hope everything works out for you x

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