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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let my BIL look after my son whilst I'm not well?

29 replies

MrsKat · 06/08/2009 15:59

I have kidney stones which are painful but not life threatening, so mil had DS (2) today for me. However, tomorrow she is unavailable and has said that sil phoned and said she and bil would look after DS.
HOWEVER...I know he's my hubbie's brother, but I don't trust him with my son. Or with my wishes. EG my son is veggie, I don't like people other than me and DH taking him swimming and we don't agree with the concept of zoos.
PLUS...last month when we were all visiting mil house he took my son out to his car, sat him on his knee, put the seatbelt around them both (!) and drove on the main road round to mil front door. (Not a long drive, prob 10 secs but still on a road. With cars.)
He's not 20 and childless. He's 40, has a very responsible job and 3 teenage girls.
It's just he thinks EVERYTHING he does is right and everyone else and their opinions is wrong.
Shall I give them the benefit of the doubt? I could do with one more day of rest, but then again it wouldn't kill me to have him tomorrow.

OP posts:
Stigaloid · 06/08/2009 16:03

I think YABU. Be grateful for the offer of care and allow your son to have a relationship with his uncle (who has 3 grown up daughters and has parented for many years now). If the veggie thing is important, provide his own packed lunch.

Stigaloid · 06/08/2009 16:04

PS - I hope you get well soon

Original poster
MrsKat · 06/08/2009 16:09

Thanks!

OP posts:
MummyDragon · 06/08/2009 16:11

I'll take your points in order:

"my son is veggie" - fair enough, provide a packed lunch.

"I don't like people other than me and DH taking him swimming " - tell BIl not to take him swimming

MummyDragon · 06/08/2009 16:12

P.S. I hope you feel better soon too!

Dumbledoresgirl · 06/08/2009 16:16

I think you should take up the offer. Just say you don't want him going to the zoo or swimming - surely bil already knows about the veggie thing? The car thing is a worry but presumably not something he would repeat?

He does sound a bit like a parentless 20 year old, but I think you have to trust to the fact that, as you yourself pointed out, he is actually a 40 year old with a responsible job and, more to the point, experience of raising 3 teenagers.

Are you sure he would actually have much contact with your son? Would his wife not actually be the main carer given that she was the one who rang up and volunteered? Also, 3 teenage girls? Wouldn't they be fawning over their little cousin too?

rubyslippers · 06/08/2009 16:17

the driving thing would be a deal breaker

it is so irresponsible

everything else i could live with but not that

LIZS · 06/08/2009 16:18

yabu , you either want him to be looked after or not and should expect to compromise if necessary. Hopefully sil has more sense than bil certainly as regards car safety - agree that is the real issue here. Make sure she knows that your ds is veggie, offer a packed lunch, fit the car seat and don't send him with swimming stuff but I think you may be being precious about a one-off visit to the zoo. Why not ask what they plan to do and then comment if needs be ?

bubblagirl · 06/08/2009 16:19

your sil will also be there so i would give them the benefit of the doubt they ahve safely raised 3 children and yes as much as the driving incident would have bothered me he didnt drive off for long journey and this can be mentioned if you dont like it so can the rest but i dont see why they cant take him to the park doesn't have to be swimming but dont see no harm in it

if you dont like zoos then thats your opinion but kids do just love them

if you have nay issues raise them with them when kindly accepting there offer your ds will be in no danger purposely in there hands

is he your pfb as i used to feel like this but now i let anyone form a relationship with him as i know how important it is and it will give you another day to recover get well soon

cat64 · 06/08/2009 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

charmander · 06/08/2009 16:25

Do you live an area with a lot of zoos? Or has BIL got some sort of obession with them? Is it very likely a visit to one is on the cards?

I would send a packed lunch and no swimming stuff.

Or not send him because of the car thing which is a big deal if you think sil is not heavily involved and more sensible.

Original poster
MrsKat · 06/08/2009 16:35
  1. The three things were just an example.
  2. SiL doesn't have a voice or a say.
  3. Packed lunch would prob be given to the dog as they think I'm a bad mum for not feeding him meat, therefore sausage sandwiches would prob be on the menu.
4.Swimming would be done even though we have told him before we don't want him going. (It's not the swimming thing I'm worried about, it's bil taking him swimming).

He is my fb but I don't mind who he goes to, as I can trust everyone else.
It's not the things I don't like that are the problem, it's the fact my views and that of my husband aren't being respected by someone who shouts loudest by someone who thinks they are always in the right, and who will not listen to anyone else and who seems to enjoy shouting at his younger brother to tell him how he and his family should live their lives.

OP posts:
LIZS · 06/08/2009 16:45

In that case decline the offer but you can't then complain if it isn't forthcoming again. Alternatively could the girls come and baby sit him in your home ?

MummyDragon · 06/08/2009 16:46

... in which case, YABU even to consider letting them look after DS, and it sounds as though you've already made your mind up! Feeding meat to a veggie child, if you'd provided a packed lunch, would be waaaaaaaay out of order.

Hope you feel better soon - must be very painful, and you must feel in a quandary if you're in so much pain and need help with DS ... Just do what feels right

gingerbunny · 06/08/2009 16:50

i would say thank you but no thank you. if they can't respect the way that you are bringing up your child then i wouldn't let them have him.
Also it won't be much of a relaxing day for you, as you will be fretting about him all of the time.
I think the suggestion of the girls coming to you to babysit is a good idea.

Greensleeves · 06/08/2009 16:54

YANBU* at all - just say "no thank you" and keep him with you

if you can't trust BIL to respect your basic wishes, then he's not a suitable person to leave your child with.

If you really think he would feed your ds sausages, knowing that he is veggie, then he's a wanker.

It's not about whether WE think your views are sound or not - he's your child and he's 2, and your basic choices should be respected!

but do try to REST even if you're looking after ds - you need to get better

Original poster
MrsKat · 06/08/2009 17:15

It's a real quandry.
I don't like the idea of them having him, but they ARE his closest relatives - bil is his Godfather as well (we had to ).
And it WOULD be nice for him and the girls to bond.
I was thinking of phoning sil and saying they can have him (ps the offer wasn't done to help me, it was so they could have DS); if she promises to respect vege issues, and always straps him in to the BACK seat of the car before going anywhere.
That way, I am giving them a final chance if you like. I hate seeing families disjointed and feel terrible for doing it to my own son and his uncle.
Arrrrggghhhh! Still haven't made my mind up!!!!

OP posts:
rookiemater · 06/08/2009 19:03

I think it would be better if your DH speaks to them to reiterate these things. I have a horrible feeling if you do it its more likely to aggravate than resolve as it does sound like an ultimatum rather than a discussion.

jemart · 06/08/2009 19:19

YABU - and a bit PFB as well.
This man is your sons Uncle and Godfather so it is fair to suppose he has your DS's best interests at heart.

sunshiney · 06/08/2009 19:25

i don't know if you are BU or not, but it won't be worth it to have your son with your BIL if you'll just fret about it all day long.
if your gut instinct says to keep your son with you then that's what you ought to do.
hope you get well soon.

edam · 06/08/2009 19:29

BIL sounds like a tosser. The seatbelt thing and the insistence on feeding your son sausages would infuriate me. Can't stand people who think they can risk a child's safety because accidents never happen to them.

Original poster
MrsKat · 06/08/2009 20:39

Thanks all for your comments...

After a lot of mulling (unfortunately not of the wine variety!) DS is going to BiL tomorrow. I will specify use of child seat at ALL times, but do think I may be being a bit PFB with it all.
Have to have a second child before that sorts itself out!

Feeling much better this evening, really believe the rest (and cider vinegar/cranberry juice) is doing the trick, so one more day of it will be good.

Night all!

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 06/08/2009 21:39

OK - having made the decision, REST, relax, and don't spend the day chafing about ds!

edam · 06/08/2009 21:47

If I were you, I'd explain to BIL that putting a seatbelt round himself and a child on his lap will kill that child in a crash. Kid would be crushed by the adult.

Stigaloid · 07/08/2009 09:22

Hmmm on the driving issue - my father used to sit me on his lap and allow me to 'drive' into the garage when i was a kid. (About 10 secs too) This was (shows age) before wearing seatbelts in the front was even mandatory. It is one of my most favourite memories of being a kid. His feet were on the pedals and his hands on the wheel below mine but i thought i was driving and it was the best. My brother equally cherishes that memory as does my husband whose parents did it with him too. a 10 second trip into a garage isn't the same as driving to sainsbury's and you could equally get killed tripping over the front door step and landing on your head. I appreciate that each to their own, but i doubt he is a feckless father because of it so i would give him the benefit of the doubt, say you'd rather DS not drive till he is 17 and then enjoy a day of recouperating. Get well soon. Hope someone buys you flowers and there is a good movie on TV to watch