to think its rude to ask if im having more children??

[lisad123]

Maybe its me, but think its rude to ask this question especially of someone you dont know that well.

I think it's rude (not polite!) and none of their business! I had plenty of comments from people after I had my first 2 children (boy & girl), assuming that it was wonderful I had my perfect (and complete!) family! Now that I've got a 3rd child, I think some people probably wonder why! duh! Sometimes if they only see the 2 with me and then I say "oh, I've got another one" they seem puzzled!

But no, you're not being unreasonable to think it's rude! People should mind their own business! Or maybe we can start bugging those with only 1-2 and ask why they're not having more, etc! LOL

I have one daughter,always expected to have more, only my husband has never agreed to this and to this day our marriage hangs by a thread due to the effect his unilateral decision and how he has ensured his way was kept had had upon us. So i ABSOLUTELY HATE this question [ANGRY]

There are a million reasons why people have the family they have, and very often our outcomes are not of our design, its nobodys business but our own, end of

I never got asked if I was having any more. It was more like when are you stopping as I have 5 kids. Also when I met now hubby he had 5 as well and it was my god thats a big family there dont you have a telly. I couldnt be bothered at the latter end explaining they where not all mine.

I grew a thick skin though over it and my all time fav is. Its ok there is another 5 at home.

I think asking someone if they are planning to have more kids in itself isn't a rude question.

But I do think it's rude to assume that someone with only boys is trying to conceive a girl - and to ask them this outright. Or vice versa.

Also, to tell someone they are a bad woman/mother/wife etc because they won't have another child, or because they have 'too many' is madness!

People assume that their way is always the best, and so quickly forget that it's rude to tell another grown up what to do.

Thick skins are needed!

Well said, TLC.
Honestly, is there no room for chitchat any more? No wonder the English are so obsessed with the weather, everything else gets turned into a minefield by the oversensitive.

I don't think it's very rude to ask, what I do think is very rude is people saying "well you're still young you can have another" after your son has just been stillborn, and they know that.

As if you can just replace a child that you've lost

It's no different to asking childless couples if they are going to have kids, and can be very insensitive. If you know them well you've probably got an idea about their plans and/or problems with conceiving - if you don't, stay out of it. Our DS is 4 and having another is complicated for medical reasons, although we'd love one. Being asked makes me feel like a failure and/or selfish for not giving DS a sibling.

If I'm feeling bolshy rather than upset I'll tell them all about DH's cancer and that usually shuts them up!

Imo it is similar to the, 'So when are you getting married?' question.

I wanted to get married a long time before my DH did so increasingly this brought me close to tears or anger as it wasn't anything I could choose to do. Added insult to injury.about something as serious as marriage.

Some people ask out of genuine interest and some are nosey and don't think things through - others may ask to try and prepare themselves in case you are planning another one and they are having trouble conceiving themselves. A short non-committal answer is probably the best thing all round.

This is one of my pet hates - I think it is very insensitive! I have one dd and am currently having treatment for PND and PTSD so I don't particularly enjoy dealing with that question!

If I'm feeling mischevious I usually say something like "When hell freezes over"

People ask me this quite often, it doesnt bother me.
I think its just small talk that some people like to make.

I hate being asked this, although my stock answer is

"yes we would like another, but I feel a 30 year age gap between children would be the most for them", that usually shuts people up.

Mind you what really annoyed me was being asked if I was planning on more children when interviewing nannies, it's a job interview, it's not of your bloody business.

It also took us a long time to concieve and I used to get really upset about people asking us if we were plannning on having children

I mean none of your bloody business

I think it goes beyond small talk tbh.

Small talk is, 'Are you planning a holiday this year?', 'Nice weather,' or, 'How are your courgettes coming along?'.

Asking about someone's reproductive health/ sex life etc which is what it can often boil down to is going a bit far.

I was forever being asked this before my DS was born. There's a quite a large gap between my kids and my standard answer was 'no, I'm not having any more because it's too difficult' - what I meant is that babies are too much like hard work but usually the other person would think I meant something else. Then the person asking would blush and I'd not have to answer any more questions.

I would be offended if I thought that people actually wanted to know, instead of recognising it for the conversational filler that it is.

I have been asked this question so many times and i am not in the least offended when people ask this question. I do however realise that those with fertility problems may be upset when asked about children. I therefore do not ask people about whether they intend to conceive or not.

well said tlc.

In response to OP yabu imo, have posted earlier on this but have gone away and thought some more.

Reading some of the comments aboutr gender, and 'well you can have another' after someones baby was stillborn, well that is insensitive and ignorant.

But asking if someone is going have more kids isnt the same really, its small talk.

It like saying hello how are you doing to a completel stranger. For all you know they could be having an utterly shite time or be extremely ill. When you ask the question you arent asking it for a full medical history. Usually its just to be chatty and open a conversation.

Oh and you could be asking where they are going on holiday, how do you know they can actually afford a holiday? How do you know if there isnt some hugely personal reason that they arent?

Threads like this highlight the overly PC nature of todays society where everyone has to tread on eggshells when conducting a conversation.

Get over it.

OH and i do have fertility issues and no i dont get offended.

8 years between ds1 and ds2 and not even sure if we'll be able to have more.

YABU, Lisa. It's just small talk. I don't think I ask because most mums I know have children my DCs ages and I assume that's it for them. Is that then not as bad, assuming that they are too old to be having children or that they've done their bit already? Maybe someone is starting a thread now with "Do I really look so past it that no one asks me about my plans to have more children?"

1 in 7 couples experience fertility problems, so if someone asks several couples this question, it's very likely you will be asking people who are currently experiencing problems or who have/will. Each person who asks may think they're the only one, but for the infertile person, they will be on the receiving end of this question from various people time and again, and it doesn't get easier, it just rubs it in even more.

A lot of infertile people feel obliged to put on a brave face and smile. Often people do not talk about their fertility problems for a long time so you may never know which of your smiling acquaintances are having such problems.

It's not necessary to ask such direct questions to make "small talk". The question "how are you?" is an open-ended question, whereas "are you having more children?" is a very specific, closed question. Open-ended questions give people the option to talk about something else and avoid the expectation of a response to very personal questions.

WE have fertility probalems and had DS after IVF. Prior to that we had 10 years of TTC with different methods.

It's a very personal thing, but it didn't upset me that people would ask, and I didn't mind being quite open about the fact that we wanted children but were having difficulties.

The only time I felt really uncomfortable was when I bumped into an old classmate on the way out of a very full GP surgery, and she asked (in a very loud voice) in front of everyone in the waiting room if we had children (no) and then did i want any. 'Errm, not really happy telling you and twenty other eavesdroppers, thanks very much'

Sorry, didn't meant to shout 'WE'

Completely. I have 2x DS's. When DS2 was only a few days old we were toldasked 'You'll be trying for a dd another soon then??'

Tossers

Is it just as rude to ask "Would you like any more?" I always ask that

I don't think that's rude. I'm always getting asked it by people who don't know how much effort it took to get DS.

But then I'm probably just glad people think I'm still young enough to be fertile. An elderly lady in a shop recently started chatting to DS (age 3) and then asked me whether he calls me 'Gran or Nana'

When Ipicked my jaw off the floor said that I was actually his mother, she replied 'oh yes, I was an OLD mother as well'