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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its rude to ask if im having more children??

86 replies

lisad123 · 04/08/2009 20:49

Maybe its me, but think its rude to ask this question especially of someone you dont know that well.

OP posts:
depressednamechanger · 04/08/2009 22:10

Hmmm. I don't mind and I do mind. Idon't mind because I don't find it rude but I do mind because it fuels my thoughts about having another one. [blush}

lockets · 04/08/2009 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tommy · 04/08/2009 22:12

I agree that it is not rude particularly, but it is insensitive and nosey! I'm sure people just do it to make conversation.

I have 3 DSs and someone (who I know by sight and w echat but don't know properly) told me the other day that I should "try for the girl". I said "oh no, think I've done my bit now" etc etc but she kept on about it. Truth is, I was seriously ill after having DS3 and have no wish to put myelf or my family through that again, but you don't really want to talk about things like that in Sainsbury's with a near stranger do you?

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 04/08/2009 22:15

I'm glad its not just me who thinks this is rude. Have been asked many times and although I realise it is people just thinking they are beingh friendly, it is such a nosy question.

To me its like asking how much my mortgage is?

msled · 04/08/2009 22:15

I don't think it is rude. Actually when people ask now, I preen rather as I'm nearer 50 than 40 and think it is hugely flattering that anyone thinks I'm still fertile! Recently someone asked if I was going to have another because she was considering it and wanted to talk about it. I don't think it is anything like asking if you are having much sex.

rookiemater · 04/08/2009 22:16

Ah now that I do find rude Tommy. I think it is just plain wrong to suggest that having successfully had more than one DC of the same sex you are clearly trying to hit the jackpot and complete a matching set. I also think its a bit insulting towards your existing DSs, as if they aren't good enough because they aren't girls.

Again I'm sure that people do not mean any harm by it at all, but consideration for others costs nothing.

msled · 04/08/2009 22:20

Maybe we should be more open with each other generally.

NoWookinFurries · 04/08/2009 22:20

I hate it.
I had one 'friend' ask me that the first time she came to see my first born ds.... And she asks every time I see her.

msled · 04/08/2009 22:24

Are you planning any more NWF?

bluejeans · 04/08/2009 22:33

It's annoying - DD is 9 and I'm still getting asked...it depends who's asking though. If it was a close friend it would be ok, rather than an acquaintance or work colleague

I was recently asked this by a single, 30-something friend of my sister's. It was only later I wished I'd asked her when she was having kids to see how she liked it.

MamaMaiasaura · 04/08/2009 22:36

Liked morrisszapps post.

I am asked that and I have asked this as well. Usually when chatting to mums with dc same age as our youngest. We have been ttc and have fertility issues. Unlikely to happen for quite a while now if at all, but it is nice to say we'd love more if blessed.

When i have asked it hasnt been to be nosy or deliberatley insensitive, just because we are hoping for another and i guess it is on my mind.

Will try not to ask in future. Didnt really think about that it might really upset someone. I dont ask 'everyone' by the way, but i have asked the question.

Mybox · 04/08/2009 22:36

I'd never ask someone this question out of context. People have asked me this and it's none of their business.

kittywise · 04/08/2009 22:37

I'm asked all the time. I don't find it rude at all. I always ask others too!

eeky · 04/08/2009 22:38

also incredibly rude when people comment on your age/timing/length taken to have kids. I had dd 15 months ago when I was age 38y, late-ish due to work timing and lack of dh before this! Lots of people seem to have assumed that we had fertility problems or have needed IVF, based on nothing but my age - in fact extremely lucky to have conceived first month!

Now pg with ds, due when dd will be 17 months old. Again completely planned with this small gap as soon as I finished bf dd and extremely lucky to conceive straightaway. Even worse comments this time,
"whoops, slipped up whilst bf, did you?",
"thought you couldn't get pg quickly this time",
"I take it this one was unplanned"
"You'll have your hands full, had you thought about that?"
and as they are different sexes, the classic "Oh, you won't be having any more then"

The worst is I'm an obstetrician/gynaecologist and the nastiest comments have been from work, especially bitchy comments about the "cheek" of taking 2 lots of paid maternity leave in 2 yrs - not sure what the difference is from having them 5 yrs aprt from that point of view. I do some work in family planning and one of the wages clerks who I've never met said on the phone (quite seriously)"Gosh it's not a very good advertisement for our service is it?", as if I hadn't effing well worked out what caused it yet

Sorry for the rant, feel much better for that!

girlsyearapart · 04/08/2009 22:40

Don't mind being asked but do mind when they say either 'Well your dh must REALLY want a ds now.'(especially when dd2 was born and mil was telling all and sundry that dh had been hoping for a boy when in fact he'd rather have had another girl) or 'Why would you want more when you've got two so close together/dd2 has such bad excema & allergies.'
Also have been with a friend who asked an aquaintance if she was having more and got told she couldn't. That was a bit of a squirmy moment..

Mybox · 04/08/2009 22:43

eeky - what thoughtless comments. Many congrats to you.

Original poster
lisad123 · 04/08/2009 22:47

I think the one that got me was "oh your DH must really want a boy, are you going to have any more"?

What so our girls arent enough? And we can't have more kids (well physically could, but not safe). And then when I said I couldn't have anymore kids, she had the cheek to ask "oh whys that then?"

OP posts:
ConnieComplaint · 04/08/2009 23:00

I work with a lady who asks customers this all the time!!

It makes me

She also asks our other colleague who is in his forties, if he & his wife are ever going to have children!!

They just got married last year & his wife is 10 years younger than him... she even said to him, "I suppose Anna is more interested in her career than giving you a child though... I always liked Sara,(his ex!) she wanted children."

I always cringe!!!!!!!

TakeLovingChances · 04/08/2009 23:11

I'm pregnant with first child, didn't have much experience from people asking me if I was pregnant yet in the past. Except from a few old ladies in our church who used to pat my tummy and ask me if I was pregnant! I am a size 10-12, don't have a big stomach, and this really annoyed me!

However, now I am pregnant (only 10 weeks) I haven't told these people in church yet, but I know they will all be over the moon for DH and I.

Just to add another dimension to this thread: a close friend of mine is a single woman in her early 30's. She really wants to find a partner, but hasn't yet. She gets really upset when people ask her if she's married yet or if she's found anyone. Then when she tells them she hasn't they look shocked, as if they're annoyed at her.

People can be so rude, but often it's just ignorance or forgetting what if feels like for other people.

gingerbunny · 04/08/2009 23:28

I think it's fine to ask someone you know and that you know the history of, but not a complete stranger.
an old woman once asked my friend if she was having any more children, as they were stood in the shop queue (she had one dd aged 6) when my friend replied no, we're just sticking to the one (friend had had major health issues and couldn't have anymore). The old woman told her she was being very selfish denying her child a sibling and her husband another child. My poor friend was so shocked she didn't say anything, she just stood there and watched as the old bag turned round and walked away.
How awful.

eeky · 04/08/2009 23:39

thanks mybox. We do know how very lucky we are! Yes lots of comments that dh must be really pleased this pg as it's a boy - why? In fact me who secretly wanted a boy, dh would have preferred another girl I think (obv we are happy with either!)

Momdeguerre · 04/08/2009 23:55

I don't mind being asked by people who I am close to and can be honest with - I do object to being asked by my boss or work colleagues but am conscious that it is just a run of the mill question/chat and I just give a bland answer.

I find it a bit painful at the mo as we have been TTC for a little while now and it just seems to rub it in. I also object if people then decide to go on about it even when I have clearly given a closed answer.

My biggest objection is my very 'Gene Hunt' boss who asks me all the time and 'jokes' about it all the time.

plonker · 05/08/2009 00:01

Dear me, I'm going to have to stop reading these threads soon otherwise I'll be paranoid of asking anything ...

This is yet another example of something that wouldn't have crossed my mind as being rude - I often ask this, not to be rude, and not even because I particularly want to know ...just simply to make small talk when talking about children/babies. I wouldn't ask a stranger though - that would be odd.

I've been asked this q lots and lots of times, and again, it wouldn't cross my mind to be offended over it, and as for "It's not far off asking someone are you having much sex?" what a load of shit.
I'm pretty certain that the average Joe couldn't give a rats arse how much sex you're having

I do get the "are you going to try for a boy" question though (have 3 girls) and that does drive me mad ...

Tinfoil · 05/08/2009 00:03

YANBU. If people want to tell someone their plans they can always volunteer the information themselves. As others have said, it can be an upsetting topic for some.

hambler · 05/08/2009 00:21

It's polite small talk. British people are very good at this. You should celebrate it as part of out culture.