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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking this is very PFBish.

26 replies

Judgeywudgey · 03/08/2009 20:15

I have named myself appropriately as I am ashamed of myself, but I cannot help feeling this way.

A friend of mine is very, ahem, protective of her eldest child. For example, she does not allow the child to go to nursery all 5 funded sessions a week despite the dd being desperate to go. Instead she is stuck at home, bored with Mum and baby.

The DD is due to start primary school this year and my friend will not allow her to be picked up by the school taxi and travel with her little friends, one of whom is my wee girl. This is a rural area and they are chaperoned. Also, the taxi driver is a local lady who all the kids know and who is a far safer driver than any of the rest of us.

Am I being harsh?
Is it none of my business? Probably, but I feel she is looking at the rest of us as if we are abandoning our kids to a stranger, which couldn't be further from the truth.

OP posts:
TrinityRhinoIsInDetention · 03/08/2009 20:18

you are right it isn't any of your business
but I agree that it seems like a shame for the little girl and she needs to let go a tiny bit

HollyBunda · 03/08/2009 20:19

How do you know she is bored at home? My son never went to nursery, but we go to loads of places and have fun together.
Why do children HAVE to go to nursery? If her mother prefers to pick her up rather than a taxi, why not? Her dd will have already spent most of her day away from her mum. There is not enough time for kids & parents to be together during the day IMO.

YABU and definitely judgywudgy.

mrsjammi · 03/08/2009 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nickytwotimes · 03/08/2009 20:19

What Trinity said.

FlamingoBingo · 03/08/2009 20:20

YABU

Are you sure her DD is desperate to go? How do you know that your friend has not seen evidence to suggest that her DD is not actually ready for more time in nursery yet?

Mind your own business and don't assume she's criticising your parenting just because she does something different.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 03/08/2009 20:25

Me thinks mummy has ishoooos and needs to let go a bit

K999 · 03/08/2009 20:25

You said it in your opening line...."I am ashamed of myself"...it pretty much answers your own question....what does it matter to you what your friend does.....her dcs=her choice...

sazm · 03/08/2009 20:30

my kids go to nursery their 5 sessions,but i wouldnt let them go in a taxi,i prefer them to be strapped in their proper carseats in my car,

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/08/2009 20:32

Just because the Government provide 5 free nursery sessions doest mean parents have to use them. She may judge you for sending your child every day instead of spending time with her. Why would you think the child is bored at home?

As for the taxi issue, I wouldnt feel comfortable either so wouldnt use that option.

You dont sound like much of a friend from the sound of your post.

MrsMellowdrummer · 03/08/2009 20:32

Hmmm... I had to rely on school transport for my little boy for a few months when he was 4/5ish, as I was pregnant with some complications and unable to drive. I really missed picking him up, hearing about what he'd been up to all day (he'd usually forgotten completely by the time he'd got home), and occasionally being able to have a quick word with his teacher. I also found I was completely out of the loop with his friendship group, as didn't chat with other parents, and often missed ad hoc messages from school, which for some reason used to get posted up on the door, and never relayed to parents not waiting in the playground.

These were all good reasons why once I was able to, I chose to cancel the transport and pick him up myself. If she has the choice, I can see why she might want to - particularly when her daughter is teeny. Her choice, and not particularly pfb I'd say.

thisisyesterday · 03/08/2009 20:32

yes, you're being very unreasonable.

my ds only goes to nursery 3 times a week becaues that's what we're happy with. I enjoy spending time with my child, and want to spend time with him, which i couldn't do as much of if he was at nursery every day.
why do you think the dd is desperate to go every day? i am sure she has a lovely time at home

and no,, i wouldn't send my child in a taxi to school when they first started, i would want to take him myself.

n o idea why you have such an issue with this tbh!

NightShoe · 03/08/2009 20:35

YABU and a judgeypants, but you already know that.How would you feel if she posted such a judgemental post about you?

AIBU to think my friend doesn't spend enough time with her 4 year old?....

She sent her to as many nursery sessions as soon as she could.....

She is happy for someone else to drop off and pick her DD up from school despite already being away from her the whole day, it just seems so uncaring when they have only just started school, even though we could go together to pick up them up....

Original poster
Judgeywudgey · 03/08/2009 20:35

The little girl has told me that she wishes she could go every day with her friends.

The taxi is for school age, not during nursery.

Nowt wrong with keeping your kid at home instead of sending them to nursery if it is working, but the wee girl is upset and says she wants to go more often.

She has said she gets 'sad' at home all day.

I agree that if Mum wants to do the school run herself then that is fine and lovely, but the wee girl is miserable at missing out already.

OP posts:
violethill · 03/08/2009 20:36

I'm sure a taxi would have to adhere to the regulations regarding car seats.

I think it's none of your business, and to that extent, I wouldn't waste time worrying about it.

However, my personal view is that the mother is thinking far more about her own feelings and needs rather than the child's. And yes, the potential danger is that if she can't let go a bit, it's not the best situation for the child. But at the moment she's fairly young, it's not a huge issue. And certainly don't let her make you feel bad for letting your own children go to nursery and go in the taxi! You know your child is benefiting from it so just don't let her get to you!

Original poster
Judgeywudgey · 03/08/2009 20:37

Yes, the taxi is fitted with car seats.
They will allow you to use your own if you prefer and if it fits properly.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 03/08/2009 20:41

well i wouldn't believe everything a 4 yr old says!
ds1 tells me he cries every day at nursery

the reason why? they lock him in a cage in the garden and don't let him out. and when he cries for his dinner they throw ketchp all over him

i have it on good authority that in fact he rather likes it there lol

did this kid just come up to you and say that? or did you ask her?
personally i would trust her mother to know what is best for her child.

munchkinpoppet · 03/08/2009 20:49

I grew up in a rural area and hardly go to go to nursery either (my mum couldn't drive) so the few times I did go I loved it! Me and mum did all sorts at home but I wished I could go more often. And it did me no harm getting the school taxi either except that I knew none of the other kids and felt a bit lost arriving at school on my first day not knowing anyone. I did have my big brother with me but he doesn't count! I don't think yabu at all. If I'd been able to go to nursery I would have already made friends.

PortBlacksandResident · 03/08/2009 20:50

Maybe she wants the freedom to go out with her 4 yr old and baby. 5 sessions a week is a bit unnecessary really.

And there is no way on earth i would have put my 4/5 yr old in a taxi to school and back.

So there.

slowreadingprogress · 03/08/2009 20:58

Totally agree that you are being unreasonably judgmental about the five sessions thing.

Some parents feel that the pre-school years are precious and go quickly and that in fact they don't 'have to let go' just yet and that in fact their child may be best served by a limited number of sessions at nursery and some time just being home with mum - including times when they are lightly bored.

The little girl may choose to come with all her friends but she is not an adult, her mum is and her mum has judged for whatever reason that she will spend some full days at home. i really do not think that is any reason to judge negatively and indeed as someone up the thread said, many may be judging you for 'getting rid' of your dd every day!!!!

I really think this is one of those things where it's just about different parenting styles and nothing to see negative connotations in.

Agree that it is not being PFB either to not want your kid taken to school in a taxi. Maybe she wants to take her herself - again, it's a different approach. Maybe more about enjoying that time together, taking your own kid to school - lots of parents want to.

I don't think you should take these things as implied criticism of YOUR parenting style; just allow her to be herself

sazm · 03/08/2009 21:05

thing is though,what would the taxi driver do with your carseat (if you were providing your own) while the child was at school and they were taking other passengers?would it not be kicking about in the boot??
i researched a lot before buying my child the carseat i felt was safest,i wouldn't then stick them on a basic booster in a taxi (im not judging folks that do,but thats a huge reason i wouldnt send ds to school in a taxi)

MrsMellowdrummer · 03/08/2009 21:52

In our case, they could store the seat at school, and use it again for the return journey if you wanted to. Worked ok.

sazm · 03/08/2009 21:56

ah right thats not so bad,
i know our taxi's here dont do that,they have basic boosters so i wouldnt let my lo go in them,unless it was unavoidable (my car had broken down and it was the only way i could get him there)
i would just prefer to see him into school and home again,then i know he is there safely,

PortBlacksandResident · 03/08/2009 22:07

At our primary school drop off time is a time to discuss stuff with the teacher and sit with your 4/5 year old and do some 'quick start' spellings. Also at this age the parents help them with coats, bags, packed lunches etc.

slowreadingprogress · 03/08/2009 22:15

that's a very goof point Port - in the first year of primary there's usually an expectation that parents will go in and help their children with bags/lunchboxes/drinks/coats - and for example at ds schoo there was 20 min 'social time' where parents were encouraged to do a bit of work with their kids

I guess she wants to do that - and I do NOT think that is being PFB about life!!

KTNoo · 03/08/2009 22:26

I can totally see where you are coming from, but like everyone says, it isn't any of your business how she chooses to raise her child.

I have a few friends who genuinely wanted their dcs with them all the time until they had to go to school. Personally I was ready (and so were they) for a bit of space - it definitely made me a better Mummy when I was with them. I can see how someone might not "need" the youngest dc to go to nursery, but you would think with a baby as well she would be glad to have her dd occupied part of the day.

I can see why she might want to take her dd to school herself though, at least intially. Also it's very social for the mums at school - I have met lots of my now friends at pick up time.