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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to want a random last minute guest

23 replies

delilahbelle · 03/08/2009 11:03

OK, I think AIBU a bit... bridezilla, moi?

but

It's Monday, we are getting married on this Friday.
DP today asked me to phone the hotel and ask if we can fit another guest in - the best man's mum.

My seating plan is done.
The name places are written.
Everything has been paid for.
I've never met her, she's not seen my DP since him and best man were children together.
It's a SMALL wedding - family and 3/4 close friends each with their OH's. I've already upset some of my extended circle of friends by only inviting them to the evening do - to which all and sundry are welcome.

So AIBU not to want this complete stranger there?

OP posts:

ErnestTheBavarian · 03/08/2009 11:09

No, bit late in day to add on other peple. Just say you phoned hotel and they can't do it, how sorry you are blah blah blah. I'm assuming best man is an adult, not a 9 year old boy who needs his mum there with him?

oldraver · 03/08/2009 11:09

I would be annoyed. I was told asked similar just a few days before my wedding (same as yours, family, 3 close long term family friends, pissed off most of work collEgues by not inviting) if my SILS's best mate plus all her many DC's and SILS father could come. I felt piggy in the middle as my Mum was doing the catering and was stressing. I did put my foot down and said no, but realised after seeing my wedding photos that they were still people there I didnt know

YANBU

FiveGoMadInDorset · 03/08/2009 11:13

YANBU

Dizzyclarebear · 03/08/2009 11:16

YANBU - your DP is - if other good friends haven't made 'the cut' why should someone who's basically a stranger get to be there? Esp this late stage.

Tell him if it's that important to him, he can call the hotel, re do the seating plan, do the card for her, and find the extra cash. And then explain to you why she's more important than the rest of the list who won't be there in the day.

Original poster

delilahbelle · 03/08/2009 11:18

Grr.

DP has apparently already said yes to best man/invited her. And forgot to tell me. And has known about this since he bought his wedding outfit 3 weeks ago.

Originally we were going to elope, didn't want to annoy parents though so thought a small posh hotel meal out after a registry office do would be OK.

It just seems to keep getting bigger and bigger, and more and more expensive. £50 a head I really don't want this stranger there muscling in on the photos, however nice she is. Best man is 30 and shouldn't need his mum there.

So I am going to text DP and tell him HE needs to phone the hotel and sort it out. Including rejigging the seating plan or she can sit with my mad alcoholic grandparents

OP posts:

NigellaTufnel · 03/08/2009 11:46

Tell your DH that he has to deselect one of his guests to make room for her.

VivClicquot · 03/08/2009 12:25

YANBU and I feel your pain.

We're getting married in November and just in the process of sending out invitations.

Two months ago, DP's cousin's wife left him. Yesterday at a big family BBQ, said cousin kept saying he will definitely have found a plus one by November, he has three months to find a guest so we're not to worry about him being single, blah blah blah.

Erm. Hang on a minute. By the time we've factored in the food, drink and evening buffet, we're probably looking at £80/90 per head, so I don't want some random coming along who we've never met, just so you don't have to stay at the hotel on your own. Thanks.

(Sorry for hijacking. I needed to vent!)

Oh, and I agree with NigellaTufnell - tell your DH to uninvite one of his guests to make room for her.

golgi · 03/08/2009 13:44

My MIL did this to me. We had the smallest wedding I could get away with short of eloping - only 20 close family and friends at the registry office. A couple of days before, she also invited along FIL's sister (whom I had never met), DP's cousin (ditto), and DP's cousin's girlfriend, plus her mate who happened to be visiting.

I thought that was a bit off.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 03/08/2009 13:53

You have my sympathy.
We got married 2 weeks ago and also were going to elope. I got daughters guilt and decided should tell our parents.
We booked it only about 8 weeks before so thankfully never had time for the mums to build up too much steam but MIL did ask at one point if we could invite her sister. Now at that point we already had the 17 people that were there it was parents and siblings only plus 2 friends as witnesses.

I had sooo many reasons for saying no to auntie and thankfully MIL was fine with that but it wouldn't have ended up being just her it would then have extended to DH cousins (her children) plus their children because one of her daughters we see quite a lot so would have felt then we had to invite her which would then have meant inviting her 2 brothers etc etc.

I am so glad I did stand firm with both our mums I did give a little on the siblings though.

JackBauer · 03/08/2009 14:19

YANBU. We nearly caused major friction after we invited close family and 3 sets of friedns, and that is it. And by close family we had parents, siblings and partners and DH's grandma. My grandparents were not well enough for the journey and were the only people we would have wanted there who weren't.
We didn't invite MIL's 2 sisters, or their kids, or their partners.
Grandma threatened not to come at all unless we invited them as DH's half sister was coming, and they (the aunts) were full blood relations.
Dh told her not to come then.

Tell DH to sort it, and give him a list of the things that need doing or he can deselect one of his invitees.
Unless your best man can't wipe his own arse yet, in which case you may need her there

MamaLazarou · 03/08/2009 14:22

YANBU

As your DH invited her without discussing it with you, he can un-invite her.

biggirlsdontcry · 03/08/2009 14:26

congratulations hope you have a fab day on friday
oh & YRNBU

zipzap · 03/08/2009 14:58

WOuld you mind her being at the evening do?

If not, could you ring her up and explain that there has been a mix up ('talking at cross purposes' is always a useful phrase to throw into the mix to take the blame off any particular individual... or to throw it in a particular direction if you want!) and that you just wanted to clarify that she understands that she is invited to the EVENING DO and that whilst you would love to see her there, she isn't invited to the actual wedding as it is a small wedding.

Make sure you know what you are going to say before you call, practise a few times, and have a long blurb worked out of 'i'm sure you understand... in these credit crunch times... small wedding... got maximum numbers for daytime do & already got a waiting list of people we would have loved to have had there but just can't... can't uninvite sis/bro/SIL/PIL can we!?! (obviously a family member for good effect!)... DH hasn't seen you for such a long time... we've never met, only having joint friends at [did I mention SMALL] wedding... BUT would be lovely to catch up /meet you for the first time at the evening do... OK?

And hopefully at the end of all that she will have had to agree with you all through and talked herself out of attending without being a real cow and insisting you come.

What does your DH think about it by the way - does he want her there as he has happy memories of how she was like a nice auntie when he was little or is he just wanting her there because best man asked? If it is the latter, can you have a word with the best man too to try to persuade him that he can't just invite his mum?

Good luck!

Stigaloid · 03/08/2009 15:01

Hmmm YANBU to feel annoyed however this is your DP's wedding too and maybe this stranger to you was a big part of his childhood and would be a cherished guest to him. If it is his best friend's mum i would make the effort to include her.

gingerbunny · 03/08/2009 15:07

yanbu, say no and explain why. or tell him that you want some other people there as well and see how he feels about that.
or lie, say you rang the hotel but it's too late!

beanieb · 03/08/2009 15:10

Just say no and explain why. Invite her to the evening do only if you feel like you really have to.

morningpaper · 03/08/2009 15:16

Are BOTH of you getting married or is it just you?

TBH if you can't resolve this one without recourse to mad people on the internet then you aren't going to be looking at a loooong marriage

I would call the whole thing off and elope with a waiter

notwavingjustironing · 03/08/2009 15:17

@ MP

beanieb · 03/08/2009 15:18

what MP said, specially if your husband to be is already thinking it's ok to forget to do something and have you clear up the confusion for him.

get him to call the best man and explain that there is no space for the best man's mum at the reception but that she is more than welcome at the evening do. His mess, he should be clearing it up not leaving it for you to do days before your wedding.

pigsinmud · 03/08/2009 15:23

YANBU - evening do will do.

raindroprhyme · 03/08/2009 16:30

i haven't read whole thread but had to comment.

this happened to me. My DH's bestfriend from uni's girlfriend asked if her best mate could come.

you still with me?

all this happened because dh''s friends girlfriend was on the stag do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dh was drunk so said yeat would be fine more the merrier.
So 2 weeks before the wedding i had to phone dh's best mate and tell him his girlfriend's best mate couldn't come.

i don't like the girlfriend in the first place so didn't feel to bad but could not beleive she could be so rude.

still ignoring her face bookm friend request!!!

Longtalljosie · 03/08/2009 16:55

YANBU - DH has a very irritating friend. When we sent out the invitations we checked he was still single. Yes, he was. Solo invitation sent out. Silence for ages, then when we chased him for an RSVP he said could he now bring new girlfriend. Very tight on places, but OK, we said yes - and we asked if she had any dietary requirements. A list was sent back as long as your arm on what she would and wouldn't eat. We showed it to the caterer and he went a little bit pale.

So that was done, the chef had to think about what he was going to feed her, her place was paid for (non-refundable) etc etc... then at the last minute he announced he wasn't bringing her any more since they'd now split up - so we had to redo the seating plan again, and forfeit the cash.

Original poster

delilahbelle · 03/08/2009 16:57

Thanks for all the replies.

Funnily enough, when I said to DP, "Of course she can come, but you will need to get in touch with the hotel and sort it all out" he has decided it's too much bother... she will just be coming to the ceremony.

Sorted - and I look like the reasonable one as he has to now phone the best man and explain matters.

OP posts:

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