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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - if I dont go to this wedding?

22 replies

cheekster · 01/08/2009 00:05

It is a good friends wedding on sunday, (300 miles away) and all the family are invited, both day and night. I was really looking forward to it as I dont see her that often and she is a fab friends.

I had everything booked and sorted, hotel/ outfits/ present. And then DS (1)gets ill with the dreaded flu.

I rung and told her the situation and explained we cannot make it.

And she has asked us to still come (with DS). She says swine flu is all blown out of proportion and she doesnt think he has it anyway - to ignore the incubation period and still come.

I expressed my feelings and the fact that DS is ill too and that we need to think of the guests too (children and pregnant women). But she is having none of it. I said I would ring her tomorrow to definately confirm what we will be doing.

But today she has been sending me text messages begging me to still come. Its hard to explain but she is a very infuential person and if she wants something she tries her upmost to get it. I feel very backed into a corner. But on the other hand I do really want to go, I am so pissed about the whole situation.

But surely it would be crazy and selfless to go. Plus DS's health is no 1 priority to me, I cannot take him all that way when he is ill.

AIBU if I ring and cancel?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 01/08/2009 00:09

how ill is he? if you are worried about him being really ill I would stay and let everyone else go, if just he's a bit ill is there anyone who could look after him?

I wouldn't take him to the wedding though.

BigGobMum · 01/08/2009 00:10

YANBU at all. Your poor DS is ill and needs to be at home.

Rindercella · 01/08/2009 00:16

Oh, your poor DS. Sorry to hear he's ill.

Personally I wouldn't take him to the wedding - I think you're right to be concerned about the other guests. And of course, you are also right about your son's health coming first.

It seems such a shame that you'll have to miss her wedding, but it's such a long way to go and just wouldn't be fair on your DS, even if you had someone look after him at the hotel and he didn't attend the wedding.

Crap situation, but please try not to be railroaded into doing something against your will.

Boys2mam · 01/08/2009 00:30

Hmmm, I'm going to play devils advocate....if he seems ok in himself, take him, stow him and a sitter away in the hotel room and have fun.

l39 · 01/08/2009 07:29

You can't drag a sick child 300 miles, even if he wasn't infectious! As for ignoring the rules on the incubation period - words fail me. What a horribly selfish woman your friend is. Suppose one of the pregnant women at the wedding caught swine flu and miscarried as a result - would she still think it was worth it so her wedding was perfect?

Overmydeadbody · 01/08/2009 07:32

Only you know how ill your DS is and whether or not he could manage the journey and the whole thing of being away from home and you doing things other than just looking after hom.

Why not wait till tonight and see how he is before making any decisions?

He could recover really quickly. One 2 yr old I know who got swine flu was really ill for two days and on the third morning woke up like nothing had happened and was her usual healthy bouncy cheerful self.

georgimama · 01/08/2009 07:39

The issue isn't so much whether or not your son is OK really despite flu, it is whether he could infect other people. If adults have swine flu they are being told to get someone else to go to the pharmacy for them - what if there was someone immuno-compromised at the wedding? Your son can't go. whether you decide to make other arrangements for him and go yourself is entirely up to you.

She is having a bridezilla attack and will cringe when the babble dies down and she thinks about her silly selfish attitude in a few months time.

georgimama · 01/08/2009 07:40

I didn't mean that to sound like your son's health doesn't matter! Sorry, I just meant that as his mother it's a decision for you whether to take him if he were with something non infectious. But to deliberately expose other people is wrong.

slowreadingprogress · 01/08/2009 08:04

Of course you shouldn't take him both for his own and other people's sake.

Don't be bullied.

Can you leave him with dh and go on your own? I would have thought that would be a way round it?

gingerbunny · 01/08/2009 08:18

your friend obviously has no idea what its like to have an ill child.
yes she is right swine flu has been blown out of proportion, but flu is still flu and your little boy will be feeling rough and in no mood for a wedding.
i'm sure she wouldn't be happy if you went and then she caught it on honeymoon!
she is being very selfish and you wouldn't enjoy the day if you went. if shes such a good friend she'll understand.
don't go.

Rindercella · 01/08/2009 08:50

Gingerbunny makes a good point about infecting the bride! Point out to her that you would hate for her to come down with swine flu on her honeymoon! I am sure that will persuade her that your DS will be better off at home.

kslatts · 01/08/2009 09:08

If your ds is too ill to go to the wedding then YANBU to cancel. However could you stay at home with ds and the rest of the family go, or your dp stay and you go with the rest of the family.

gigglinggoblin · 01/08/2009 09:11

I would not take ds.

However if you think he will be ok without you and you have somone to take care of him I would still go. If he will be upset that you have gone I wouldnt go. He is the priority and you friend will just have to lump it.

MadameCastafiore · 01/08/2009 09:15

Can't you go and leave DH and DS at home?

DiamondHead · 01/08/2009 09:18

If your son has swine flu, there's a good chance you could develop symptoms and be stuck at the wrong end of the country with your whole family.

merrymonsters · 01/08/2009 09:34

Your friend sounds really self-absorbed and selfish. Don't let her bully you. There are likely to be pregnant women, other children, people with asthma etc at the wedding. It would be wrong to take a sick child there.

She sounds like the sort of person who won't forgive you for not going, but you have to do the right thing.

saggyhairyarse · 01/08/2009 09:39

Can you go to the wedding and leave your DS with his Dad?

I wouldn't take him as he is ill, you will have to stand your ground and say he is not going because he is ill, nevermind the other guests

fizzpops · 01/08/2009 09:54

I don't like the kind of people who won't take no for an answer. Does she think that you are saying you can't go because you haven't thought it through? or that you are only thinking of her in this situation and need reassurance that she won't mind?

Even if you could leave DS with your other half maybe you don't want to when he is ill.

You are the best judge of where you feel you want/ need to be.

Don't let her guilt you into going if you don't feel right about it, you won't enjoy yourself in any case and it will cause resentment.

Bellsa · 01/08/2009 09:58

I would go by myself, if that was an option? Otherwise, I think I would have to say no. Not fair to move the boy if he's ill.

2rebecca · 01/08/2009 21:08

YANBU. If your good friends are this selfish what are your acquaintances like?
A good friend would sympathise and offer to post you a piece of cake and some photos. She's a rubbish friend.

MovingOutOfBlighty · 01/08/2009 21:12

Can DP look after your DS? If so, depending on how ill and how old your ds is, I would go all by myself and have a loverly time.
This is say, a slightly unwell 4 year old, but not a 4 month old with a temp of 39!

2rebecca · 01/08/2009 21:44

I presume if she was a really good friend then you would just go and leave husband to look after your son. I presume you're posting here because you don't really want to travel that far on your own or with the younger kids.
There are some friends whose weddings I'd happily travel to and leave my ex looking after the ill child, and others where I'd rather not go and stay with my child. Asd a divorced parent I'm probably more used to leaving my kids with their dad and trusting him to look after them than some women are though.

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