to want DD's to be a teeny bit ill with a very short, specific listy of sympoms...

[JackBauer]

I would like (please)

General lethargy, listlessness and mild loss of appetite

But also
No diarrhea, no vomiting, no temperature, and it all to last about 24 hours. Just so I can get on top of house before I go completely fucking insane.

Eh? Sorry, why yould you want them to be ill??

Give them a wii/monopoly to play with, this will give you some peace.

"Give them a wii/monopoly to play with, this will give you some peace"

only if you ignore the bickering/shouting/crying when they lose

they are 1.10 and 3.5, so there are very few activities that keep them quiet and not fighting/biting/trying to kill each other.

I don't really want them ill, just to want a sofa day, for one day. I mean I want one but I can't persuade them!

I managed 45 minutes of peaceful play yesterday by giving them paint and brushes, then we had to have a bath, wash hair and I spent half an hour tidying it up. And now I have a pile of paintings I am not allowed to throw away

Ah, I see. Is there a granny who is willing to come and play so you can have a break?

throw them in the garden with a bucket of water and some paintbrushes and let them paint the wall / fence / patio

Granny lives 250 miles away, grandma is only 200 miles.
No family nearby.
House was bought before we thought of children and the garden is a gravelled patio with standing weater everywhere, but it's been raining for ages here so we haven't been able to get out into it.
See, a sofa day is my only choice.
Do you think if I put enough Pritt Stick on teh sofa I could force them into one?

I even rented DVD's from teh (shit) library, not interested.

Pritt stick is crap. Could you palm one off with one neighbour and one with another? 30 minutes could be just enough to save your sanity.

Maybe enforce ecourage nap time? or some form of quiet time where they can listen to a relaxing cd or something. They may fall asleep, you never know.

When I was preg with DD3, DDs 1&2 were of similar ages to your two. They wouldn't sit and watch many things but they loved Barney DVDs

Meant to add, loving the cakes on your profile

Meant to add, loving the cakes on your profile

Cyradis...I have duct tape somewhere

I think today was bad because I thought I was going out this morning with DD1's best friend from school and her mum to the park, so was looking forward to hiding under a brolly for a chat while they all got soaked, but DD's BF's sister was ill in the night so I offered to take the 3 yr old so her mum could sort dr visit and pandering without worrying about her.

She was fab and we did drawing and lego and traintracks but after a few hours DD1 did not want to share anymore and started wailing, DD2 was tired and lashing out and they found the felt tips, and they also found my facecream while flooding the bathroom 'having a wee', so when her mum came to pick her up after lunch I had put cbeebies on and was ready for a nap.

And I have bad period pain too.

(thanks LTR)