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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report my MIL to ofsted annomonously behind DHs back?

80 replies

NickyPickyLicky · 30/07/2009 13:49

She is an awful childminder and I wouldn't even leave my own DC there with her now (I did it once and have felt guilty ever since and really regretted it but thought she would be good with her). I hate the thought that so many parents are paying her to "look after" their children.

I want to report her. But DH would go mad which is why I have resisted untill now. But I feel guilty not doing anything about it and feel I am partly responsiable if I don't act.

I know she has been reported in the past for various things and Ofsted have been round but as she acts as good as gold when they are there - she gets away with it.

(BTW - we are not talking about abuse here - just realised it could sound like that!!)

OP posts:
diamondlil · 31/07/2009 11:02

Hi, I suggest you call the National Childminding Association and discuss it over the phone. You won't need to id yourself and it may give you perspective. I have called them about a cm problem and found them helpful - at least they should confirm the best action and whether you can remain anon.
www.ncma.org.uk

I strongly believe you must report her - in particular leaving the children with others goes totally against the concept of childminding in so many ways.

MamaKaty · 31/07/2009 11:12

The parents have a right to know. It's a slightly different system in Northern Ireland but could you go through the families team at the local Social Services?

diamondlil · 31/07/2009 11:13

I'd like to add that it doesn't matter how your MIL chose to bring up her own children or whether other family members think it is normal and fine.

The fact is she is responsible for OTHER peoples children and is working as a cm governed by standards and rules, which are there for important reasons. She has absolutely no right to behave like this in a working situation - I am so furious that a CM could think it is in any way ok to leave children with other people - who the parents have not met, who have not be vetted. It's just unacceptable.

I sincerely hope the parents' instinct tells them somethings not right and come by unexpected. But please call the NCMA and get their advice.

Lots of luck.

JennyPenny22 · 31/07/2009 11:17

If Ofsted won't keep in anon then maybe the police is a better option? I think it is so stupid that ofsted won't do it annon! I bet that has put a LOT of people off doing it!
Is it a police matter if they are being left with other people?

Maybe somebody from here could make the actual complaint?

gero · 31/07/2009 12:08

Never mind ofsted, I would be reporting her to the police. Inviting someone with swineflu to a house full of lo's so she might have a week off is more than negligent

As for leaving others in charge - words fail me. For the sake of those little children and their parents please either you or someone else find the courage to report this dreadful woman.

I would be absolutely beyond furious if this was happening to my beloved DD's.

curiositykilled · 31/07/2009 12:22

I would treat this like a military operation because I am sneaky.

Phase 1: Research

Find out exactly which rules she is breaking and which authority is responsible for supervising.

Phase 2: Evidence gathering

Gather as much evidence as you can. This can be photographs of her leaving children or diaries of her day to day activities. DO NOT take pics of the children in her care though. You could do some secret video taping or phone conversation recording.

Phase 3: Confrontation

I would speak to your DH and explain that you have serious concerns and why you do then I would confront her with your list of everything you feel is unacceptable and why. If she won't change explain you will have to report her - papers (with evidence), social services, police, ofsted e.t.c.

I'm not sure whether she's actually doing anything you could report so that's why I'd find out exactly what rules she is breaking before taking it any further. I wouldn't tolerate this for my children though.

But my DH would not have tolerated his mother neglecting children in her care and is aware that I am sneaky and a prig and would not divorce me for this!

CrushWithEyeliner · 31/07/2009 13:01

What is particularly appaling about this story is that she spreads illnesses so she can have time off. How the F* can she neglect children and babies like that. Please update us on how this has been rectified.

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/07/2009 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fizzpops · 31/07/2009 13:35

If she has to change her behaviour when she has inspections then she is capable of treating children properly. The fact is that she is just too lazy to do it all the time and she must know that what she is doing is wrong.

Who honestly believes that they can take on any job and find it easy or behave as if they weren't working?

I would report her and not worry too much if she found out. In fact if that was me I would be so livid on bahalf of those children I would welcome the opportunity to give her a piece of my mind.

fizzpops · 31/07/2009 13:36

'behalf' obviously!

juuule · 31/07/2009 14:12

Agree with curiositykilledthecat that you need to research just what rules she's breaking if only so that you can detail the facts and not your opinion. As in, for instance, when you put
"probably to spread to mindees so she can have the week off "

you have put your own interpretation on why she asked you and your dd round. Just sounds as though you don't like her and could be seen that you are reporting her out of maliciousness. Probably best to stick to facts.

kittycatty · 31/07/2009 15:28

Report what you know to ofsted,you dont have to give your name/address just what is concerning you.

posieparkerinChina · 31/07/2009 15:31

So she neglects children she is paid and trusted to mind? What's the dilemma?

MojoLost · 31/07/2009 15:49

My heart sinks just to think of those poor children so badly looked after. Thank God I look after my own kids and don't have to rely on people like this.

You have to do something.

shoshe · 31/07/2009 15:51

Nicky may be worth looking here it is the complaints procedure for Ofsted.

hunkermunker · 31/07/2009 15:52

"Thank God I look after my own kids and don't have to rely on people like this."

Nice, Mojolost...

Yes, OP, report the beastly hound.

Ripeberry · 31/07/2009 16:01

Report her! If your DH opposes you, then he is saying that his mum is entitled to be a bad CM. Has he even noticed?
Do you know if your MIL is due for an inspection soon? Has she got up to date policies?
If she never does activities with them how is show going to show observation and planning?
It's all very difficult as it's your word against hers and if she has the gift of the gab, then it sounds like she will be able to wriggle out of anything
Pity you can't get hold of a little spy camera and leave it at her house...but that breaks lots of rules in itself

ipiratethief · 31/07/2009 16:04

omg nothing against your dad, or anyone she leaves them with, but fucking hell, she's leaving them with people sh'e snot supposed too.

omg.

report her.

curiositykilled · 31/07/2009 20:23

NickyPickyLicky - I really think some of the suggestions on here are lame.

You have to protect yourself in this and your family. If you go round putting notes through ppl's doors defaming her - it is still defamation if true unless you can prove it properly, then she'd be perfectly within her rights to have you done for harassment.

All you can do is separate facts from your own standards for care. Start with what rules has she actually broken here and accept it if she hasn't in fact broken any.

Feelings run high with families and anything you do secretly will come out. Best bet is to be sure she's doing something wrong, talk to hubby about it and confront the MIL first but make damn sure you can prove all the things you're accusing her of or you'll just be causing trouble and no good will come of it.

Katisha · 31/07/2009 20:43

Goodness knows how she is getting through all the paperwork CMs have to do now if her idea of childminding is to sit them in front of the telly or out in the garden.
Has she not had any inspections? Does she not have to write up any observations or anything? Or does she just make these up?

nannynick · 31/07/2009 21:16

Research:
You need to match up the registration requirements against what you can prove has/is happening.
EYFS (May 2008) - EYFS Practice Guidance
Childminders in England now need to comply with EYFS, so read these documents to find out about EYFS and how it affects Childminders and the care they provide.

Silver1 · 31/07/2009 23:40

Parents leave their children there- if the children are unhappy hopefully the parents would know and act.
It isn't uncommon to have chicken pox parties. They aren't my idea of sensible but a generation ago lots of parents did them, it may be she spoke to the parents about the "benefits" and they agreed for their children to play with your daughter when she was ill.
If the children are old enough to play in a room alone then why can't they? I have never used a child minder but I would be surprised if they spent the whole time in a room with the children.

A child wondered off into the street and she told them off/shouted at them-what should she have done laughed and encouraged them to do it again? Some small children can unlock doors-her style of telling them off would have been fed back to parents one way or another.

The only thing that I can see really awry here is that she leaves children in the care of people who have not been approved/vetted.

If as you say other people have reported her in the past then most likely the parents know/have heard about it, they chose to continue using her. Are you really willing to risk your marriage because of the choices other parents are making?

hester · 31/07/2009 23:55

Are you serious, Silver1?

People may have chicken pox parties, but it is parents who decide whether to deliberately expose their children to disease, not CMs.

The OP has made clear that the children are not occasionally left to play by themselves, but USUALLY left. That is not ok.

The alternative to shouting at an escaping child is not encouraging them to do so again: it is accepting her personal responsibility for keeping them safe.

I don't see how you can assume that the parents are happy with this level of care.

Are you being deliberately controversial? Would you leave your dc with a CM like this?

juuule · 01/08/2009 08:52

I think that silver1 makes some good points.

markymark · 01/08/2009 12:23

I agree that there is a real issue with a level of care here and ofsted should be informed, but I think there is a whole heap of pressure being piled on the op here with little consideration of what impact it's going to have on her relationship with DH - and the rest of the family if it does come out that it was her.

I hope you can find a way to report her NPL, and all due respect to you if you do.