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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report my MIL to ofsted annomonously behind DHs back?

80 replies

NickyPickyLicky · 30/07/2009 13:49

She is an awful childminder and I wouldn't even leave my own DC there with her now (I did it once and have felt guilty ever since and really regretted it but thought she would be good with her). I hate the thought that so many parents are paying her to "look after" their children.

I want to report her. But DH would go mad which is why I have resisted untill now. But I feel guilty not doing anything about it and feel I am partly responsiable if I don't act.

I know she has been reported in the past for various things and Ofsted have been round but as she acts as good as gold when they are there - she gets away with it.

(BTW - we are not talking about abuse here - just realised it could sound like that!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
NickyPickyLicky · 30/07/2009 14:51

I am not ignoring them FFS! I was actually on the ofsted website getting their contact details! But if you are going to be like that then I will go else where for help as I came on here for ADVICE not to be spoken to like that. THANKS ALOT. I am also trying to work out how to get in contact with the parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
NickyPickyLicky · 30/07/2009 14:54

Northengirl - I don't know the parents at all. I have never been their at pick ups or drop offs. I know a few first names and what school they go to. Could possibly find out second names. Any ideas how I could get any other details? A note through the door is a good idea if I can get the address.

OP posts:
Original poster
NickyPickyLicky · 30/07/2009 14:55

Oh and we only go to MILs about once a month too (mainly because of this). Can go on Monday but want a "plan" first!

OP posts:
muddleduck · 30/07/2009 15:22

My advice would be to write a letter to ofsted asking to remain anonymous but giving a straightforward list of all the events that you have directly observed that give you cause for concern. Don't give any opinions about her, just state the facts. If there are regular time that you know she is leaving the mindees then state what these are. If you want to post a draft on here then we can give you feedback. When I wrote to ofsted I found it very helpful to have this sort of feedback - I was encouraged to take out some of the parts that came across as a bit petty and detracted from the serious facts that ofsted should be concerned with.

If it were me then I would then tell your DH what you have done. I know this will cause grief, but I don't see how you can function properly with such as secret between you. But that is an individual choice about how you think your marriage works.

LuvLee · 30/07/2009 15:28

You definitely need to report her. I'm a working mother with a child that goes to a CM, and I would be horrified to discover that my child was being treated this way. For the sake of all the children in her charge, report her, listing all the things you've listed here and send it to OFSTED and a local journalist.

Ealingkate · 30/07/2009 15:40

Do you know any of the parents involved, or do you know someone who knows them??

TwoHot · 30/07/2009 15:41

Just before you report her tell your husband that you think dd should stay with her, that should deflect the suspicion from you!

roneef · 30/07/2009 16:23

respect twohot

You are seriously shrewd

TwoHot · 30/07/2009 17:20

ooo thank you

ForExample · 30/07/2009 17:24

yes, awful, report her.

and twohot GENIUS.

I would be aghast if this was my cm.

Original poster
NickyPickyLicky · 30/07/2009 17:35

Hubby knows I would never leave our DC in her care so that wouldn't work but good plan! Lol.

Muddleduck - that is really helpful. I will do that tomorrow (or tonight if I get a chance - DC allowing.)

Would it work OK if I didn't even tell Oftsed who I was? I know they wouldn't tell her if I asked them not to but I duno, I just think there would be that risk there of her somehow getting hold of that information.

Wondering if I could pretend I was a neigbour? Or something along those lines. But then if I don't give my details, I won't be able to get any response. Although I would hear it all from MIL.

MIL made my life hell in the past and it caused major problems between me and DH which is why I am so worried.

I can give Ofted an exact time and day as to when she will have left the kids with somebody else. Trouble is, I am not sure if they answer the door?

OP posts:
bigchris · 30/07/2009 17:41

tbh if you are scared to tell your dh what you are doing
and he is turning a blind eye to her shite childminding i'd seriously be rethinking the relationship
doesnt he care about the kids his mum is neglecting? does he think its ok?

CrushWithEyeliner · 30/07/2009 17:41

Of course report - the poor kids FFS

Original poster
NickyPickyLicky · 30/07/2009 17:52

bigchris - of course he cares. It is very easy to sit at your computor and judge. But this was going on since before he was even born I assume and he has grown up with that being the "norm" that is how him and his siblings were brought up. He is learning, through me, that that is actually NOT the best way to bring up children. He never ever went on outings/did actviities etc with his Mum. He was stuck in front of the TV with a ready meal sort of thing. He wouldn't treat our children like that because he knows thats not how we do it. He does see that it is wrong but it is easier said than done. We are young parents ourselves, so its not long since he was one of those children. I know this doesn't make it right, but I am just trying to explain to you that it isn't as simple as that. And TBH all of their family know about it and nobody seems to think it is wrong. That is just the way they do things.

OP posts:
HerHonesty · 30/07/2009 18:22

sorry, i know you didnt ask this, but what does your husband think about her standards? does he actually think they are as poor as you describe or does he think they are not issue?

GeekIsGood · 30/07/2009 18:39

I know the obvious answer is 'report her' but it is a pretty tough thing to do especially if your DH isn't in agreement.

Try your hardest to get him to agree to it before you do it. I was in a similar sort of situation when we knew my MIL's DH was regularly drink driving. We reported him anonymously and he has since been caught. MIL has no clue it was us - she would probably never speak to us again. Luckily DH was in complete agreement when I said we had to report it.

I honestly don't know what I would have done if he had said he couldn't do it.

Original poster
NickyPickyLicky · 30/07/2009 18:40

As I said above, he grew up thinking that was OK as that was how he was brought up but now we have our own DC he is starting to realise that it isn't

OP posts:
HerHonesty · 30/07/2009 19:17

have you raised the issues with her? could you?

Original poster
NickyPickyLicky · 30/07/2009 20:26

No, there is no point. Honestly - if you knew her you would understand why there is just no point in saying everything. She has never liked me either which doesn't help! lol. She boycotted our wedding because we didn't do things her way! (Irrelivant I know but just an example of how stubborn she is).

OP posts:
katiestar · 30/07/2009 21:19

and given your relationship with ypur mil you don't think she will suspect you ?

alibaabaa · 30/07/2009 21:35

Grass her up a treat!!!

faeriefruitcake · 30/07/2009 22:01

Bugger Ofsted I'd report her to the police for leaving children with other people. Have they been police checked are they qualified?

If this was my CM and my children were involved I would want her unable to childmind again. Introducing chickenpox is a wicked thing to do, what if one of the mumms had been in the early stages of pregnancy or hadn't had it as a child.

If what you're saying is true she is guilty of neglect and needs to be stopped.

louloulouise · 31/07/2009 00:20

When I complained about a nursery near us Ofsted said none of their complaints are confidential and they tell the nursery/cm who has complained about them. So unless you can think of a way round that I'm not sure what you can do other than letting the parents know - I would hate it if this was happening to my child and no-one told me. I sympathise with your dilemma, your MIL sounds like an awful childminder.

bigchris · 31/07/2009 07:42

it does soubd complex, have you talked to dh yet or ofsted or the police?

sunfleurs · 31/07/2009 10:27

I would report her no problem.

I would also be able to hide that it had been me easily as well. Think of those neglected children because that is what they are. Their parents are paying for their children to be unhappy and possibly in danger, how awful is that?

If it is true that you cannot report a CM or Nursery anonymously then I would tell my dh and his mother that I was going to do it or I was at least going to tell the parents of the children and then deal with the fall out. Those children cannot look after themselves. It is the right thing to do.