Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD??? I am having such an argument in my own head!

57 replies

redhot · 27/07/2009 12:20

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 months now. He's 44, and a life-long batchelor, a few long term relationships but nothing serious really. I am just getting out of a 20 year marriage.

Anyway, he's really sweet, I tell him he's the sweetest guy in the world, but it does mean that he quite often (well, very often) does things for other people when he doesn't need to. It's almost like a call for them to like him. My prob is that he says he will meet me, then doesn't turn up at the right time, because he's doing something for someone. He takes his colleagues home after work, or he phones to say he can pop over in his lunchtime, then doesn't. No phone call, nothing. This weekend he went off on friday to a family do, saying he will be back sunday. I spend all day sunday trying to second-guess when he will be back, then get a phonecall at 930PM to say he's staying sunday night too. Oh and then another one at 11.30 to say he's home.

He hasn't phoned today, but he did say last night 'see you tomorrow'. The argument in my head goes something like, I say 'yes see you at 7' and then go to Tescos for the weekly shop, versus actually going to see him but having a big argument.

AIBU?? And what can I do? I do love him but he seems to put everyone else before me. Maybe he doesneed a taste of his own medicine? I just don't want an argument

OP posts:
Tamarto · 27/07/2009 12:25

That would do my head in, he needs to keep you in the loop for a start, i'd point out to him that you do put things on hold, say no to things because he says he will be somewhere at a certain time, if that isn't going to happen he needs to let you know asap, not hours later.

I get the feeling though that he wont change so it's all about how much you like him imo.

MoontheMightyThreadKiller · 27/07/2009 12:27

He's not that sweet then if he tends to eveyone else leaving you to guess when or where he will turn up.

KristinaM · 27/07/2009 12:31

he doesn't turn up and doesn't call?

he sounds like mr thoughtless and unreliable, not mr sweet

does he hold down a job? presumabely he understands about turning up there on time and using the telephone if there is a problem

KristinaM · 27/07/2009 12:33

are you sure he's not married / living with soemone? have you been to his home and met his family / friends [suspicious emoticon]?

LuluMaman · 27/07/2009 12:33

he does not love you , or if he did , then he would not be leaving you hanging

he is not sweet

he is dangling oyu on a chain

i bet the stuff he is doing for other people, or the times he is letting you donw, he is with someone else

pleasechange · 27/07/2009 12:37

I have become convinced that many men who have spent a long time single become very set in their ways. If he's doing these things now and you're (understandably) getting annoyed by them, it's very likely he won't change

Agree with others who say he doesn't sound particularly nice if he's doing these things to you

Some people are single for a reason! (which I'd considered this before marrying 1st dh!)

LyraSilvertongue · 27/07/2009 12:37

Can't you just tell him how much this annoys you?
If you have, what was his excuse reason.

scottishmummy · 27/07/2009 12:42

he isnt really sweet he is ripping the arse out of this situation,and frankly you too

floats about at his own will
lets you down
is erratic and unreliable

maybe you are on a rebound bounce from your marriage.dont be over grateful for someone who mucks about like this

meet a nice man by all means but not someone who you dont know where you are (literally)and emotionally

TwoHot · 27/07/2009 12:42

If you want to give it a go, if you really like him (I agree with the previous posters that he doesnt sound that great)then you need to tell him what you have told us. I would also give him a deadline (in my head of course) and if he hasnt changed in a fortnight or however long you give him, then he never will.

Nancy66 · 27/07/2009 12:43

did you meet him online?
If you did I'd put money on him seeing other women...

Original poster
redhot · 27/07/2009 12:47

He is v sweet - like I said, does things for everyone else, but tends to forget about the people who matter, ie me! He is thoughtless sometimes, and he is always late, always, I've given up trying to get a time or date out of him, as his 5 minutes means about 30 in real time. I do get fed up with always having to juggle my life, (I've got 3dc) when the worst he has to do is go to the gym half and hour later than he'd like.

Writing it down makes him seem really thoughtless and not-really-into-me, but he does say he loves me, and that he doesn't want to lose me, can't live without me etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
redhot · 27/07/2009 12:51

And I've been to his house (he lives up the road) so I know there is no-one else. I'm not really on the re-bound, I didn't want a relationship with anyone, it just happened. I've got 2 other guy-friends who've made it clear they would like to be in my life, but I just don't fancy them.

OP posts:
LuluMaman · 27/07/2009 12:51

but what he says and the way he acts are totally contradictory and actions speak louder than words

he loves you , can't live without you blah blah blah but lets you donw, does not call you and disappears for days and expects you to fall into line

and forgets about you

so what if he is sweet to everyone else? he is not going out with everyone else.

scottishmummy · 27/07/2009 12:52

if he was so fucking sweet you would not be in turmoil

so either

a blithely continue to make excuses and let him tell you a few hacknied cliches,and things roll along.at his will

b cut your losses look at how he really treats you

SolidGoldBrass · 27/07/2009 12:52

Never mind what he says, examine what he does. He is unreliable and not bothered about how much he inconveniences you. he is not listening to you when you ask him to be more considerate.
Selfish men like this (who are usually sexist men too - they think that they are more important than women and women should fit their lives round the Man anyway) think that saying 'I love you' is a get out of jail free card, because women will always roll over with their legs in the air and accept absolutely anything from a man who says those three magic words.

Basically you either accept that you can't rely on him at all, and don't plan anything around him - tell him that if he turns up he turns up but if he doesn't then no big deal - or you bin him and move on.

Tamarto · 27/07/2009 12:55

redhot i'm sure you don't believe everything that people tell you?

Actions speak louder than words and i for one would go out of my way to stop doing something that annoys/lets down/constantly puts out someone i loved.

MoontheMightyThreadKiller · 27/07/2009 12:57

I hate people who are late (once in a while can be forgiven) I geenrally think it shows a lack of respect for the person who is waiting. I think this guy does not respect you.

scottishmummy · 27/07/2009 12:59

are you attracted to bad lads redhot,do you think you can change this man?

a womans love will change his behaviours and he will morph into MrConsiderate

kerching - that is so wrong

but you know what you are taking on,know his patterns, have reflected enough to post about it. so if you go along with this you are complicitly allowing him to treat you like this

Original poster
redhot · 27/07/2009 12:59

SGB - I've always thought your posts are insightfull and so this one was. He doesn't kiss or cuddle (Unless he is in the mood for it) and I have told he how I feel about him not turning up. In fact we have had so many arguments, I dont want another one. It always seems to turn out to be my fault, like when he said come up at 6.30, and he turned up at 645 having given a colleague a lift home. I got annoyed and he just said 'well sorry for actually caring about other people!'. He says its selfish of me 'it's all me me me with you!' and that's how he makes me feel. Selfish for wanting to be with him, for wanting a kiss, or a cuddle. I took him on holiday at Easter, used my sisters house while she was away. I drove us down there, cooked dinner, did everything while he napped i the can and then went to lie down. I went to lie with him and kiss and cuddle and was told he was 'not in the mood for a kiss'. I went mad, told him to consider it a payment for all I'd done. He did agree at that point that I was right!

OP posts:
Original poster
redhot · 27/07/2009 13:01

napped in the car, I mean, not the can!

OP posts:
LuluMaman · 27/07/2009 13:02

it's not selfish to expect someone to turn up on time

he is making out you are in the wrong for questioning his behaviour

how dare you question him for being late, when he was doing a good deed for someone else?

warning bells are a-ringing

scottishmummy · 27/07/2009 13:08

you trade kisses for payment for all you have done?

you are as daft as him

maybe you both need to grow up

maybe not tirelessly undertake tasks and expect physical intimacy as payment. intimacy is a consensual mutual thing.not i have worked my arse off now kiss me

following your logic does that mean if he has a says he has worked hard and wants intimacy,despite you ssaying no,thta he is entitled to "go mad"

thedolly · 27/07/2009 13:10

He is the selfish one but not in the way that he thinks you are. He is selfish in his thoughts and actions in a way that means he is not thinking like part of a couple. He sounds like a nice guy and it is understandable that thinking as part of a couple is difficult for him. Teach him (if you can be bothered) but don't have arguments about it or he will never learn.

missingtheaction · 27/07/2009 13:12

Dump him. He thinks you are a doormat. TBH you are acting a bit like a doormat. Get out now and mark him up as an excellent learning experience.

Nancy66 · 27/07/2009 13:12

Ohhh he sounds a catch....