WWYD??? I am having such an argument in my own head!

[redhot]

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 months now. He's 44, and a life-long batchelor, a few long term relationships but nothing serious really. I am just getting out of a 20 year marriage.

Anyway, he's really sweet, I tell him he's the sweetest guy in the world, but it does mean that he quite often (well, very often) does things for other people when he doesn't need to. It's almost like a call for them to like him. My prob is that he says he will meet me, then doesn't turn up at the right time, because he's doing something for someone. He takes his colleagues home after work, or he phones to say he can pop over in his lunchtime, then doesn't. No phone call, nothing. This weekend he went off on friday to a family do, saying he will be back sunday. I spend all day sunday trying to second-guess when he will be back, then get a phonecall at 930PM to say he's staying sunday night too. Oh and then another one at 11.30 to say he's home.

He hasn't phoned today, but he did say last night 'see you tomorrow'. The argument in my head goes something like, I say 'yes see you at 7' and then go to Tescos for the weekly shop, versus actually going to see him but having a big argument.

AIBU?? And what can I do? I do love him but he seems to put everyone else before me. Maybe he doesneed a taste of his own medicine? I just don't want an argument

If he has had alifetime of putting himself first, he sure as hell won't change and start prioritising you [or your kids].

Actually I think this man simply doesn't want a relationship with you Redhot. He is Just Not That Into You.
You say that he is a great shag (and that would appear to be the only decent thing about him from your posts) so keep him as a fuckbuddy if you want but don't put yourself out for him and don't waste time worrying about what he is thinking or why or 'where this relationship is going'.
OH and if he is a great shag but likes to withold sex and make you beg for it then get the hell out because that's not just selfish that's malicious.

THis man may be a bit of a knobber but I am a bit at all those people saying that men who have not had longterm relationships must have something wrong with them. Avoiding longterm relationships can be a sing of good self knowledge and commong sense: they are not compulsory.

You say you really love him, but I am not sure what exactly it is that you really love?

I am sure however that he is not in love with you. Or if he is, you come way down below his affection for himself and his own life.

And this is how he is in a new relationship, where everyone tries to impress. Gawd I hate to imagine the scenario in 5 years' time.

redhotpants-it's good that you have found someone who has lit your fuse-now it's lit you need to either find someone who ticks all the boxes or keep him (as someone else says here) as a fuck buddy,on your terms,you can't rely on him (QED)

look redhot,have some hedonistic teeth rattling sex just dont delude yourself that he is a sweet man

he is a bit of a selfish fucker,and unlikely to change.no one changes anyone else. behavioural change happens because an individual wants to change and has the volitioin and a good enough compelling reason for themself. cajoling and hoping changes no one.

but you know that already,or else why post on MN

solidgoldbrass - I don't think people are saying that anyone single must have something wrong with them. Just that if someone gets to that age without having been in a long-term partnership then they can become very set in their ways and reluctant to change. Also there may well be a good reason why none of their relationships have become more long-term or lasted