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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Which friend do I upset

22 replies

leftangle · 27/07/2009 00:41

I have two friends I've known for about 10 years, Jack and Jill. They divorced about 3 years ago and Jill has now remarried. Jill moved from the area when they split up and so I don't see her very often but we are still in touch.
I want to invite both Jack and Jill to my wedding but Jack has said he won't come if Jill will be there. Jill would have no problem with meeting Jack.
I partly feel that if Jack is the one with the problem he should stay away but I am much closer to Jack than Jill and we have more in common these days. If we were having a smaller wedding I would have invited Jack not Jill anyway iyswim.

So wwyd?

OP posts:

Momdeguerre · 27/07/2009 00:48

Think you have answered it yourself - if the wedding had been smaller then you only would have invited Jack and you have more in common with him.

Not sure how you would now tell Jill she can't come

Original poster

leftangle · 27/07/2009 00:53

Luckily I haven't sent the invites out yet - all stamped and ready to go (pleased with myself for finally getting it done) so got to decide before I post them.

OP posts:

OrangeFish · 27/07/2009 00:58

I would wonder if Jack is really my friend if he wants to bring his divorce's bad feelings and put requests on what I am supposed to do in my own wedding.

Original poster

leftangle · 27/07/2009 01:08

He hasn't requested that I don't invite her - and I wouldn't have agreed if he had. He has just said that he won't be there if she will. I just think it is so sad that he can't move on and partly want to tell him to grow up about it.

OP posts:

Triggles · 27/07/2009 05:20

I would invite them both, explain to them privately that you have invited the other as well. If either of them kick off about it, simply tell them that as they are your friends, you expected them to be polite and civil to each other and act as adults. If either of them can't do that, then of course, they have the option of not attending.

ilovesprouts · 27/07/2009 05:34

im whith triggles on this one

CyradisTheSeer · 27/07/2009 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GoldenSnitch · 27/07/2009 08:06

I had this at a wedding I went to last year (only it was an ex boyfriend not ex husband) - I was Jill and was invited along with my husband. I was slightly uncomfortable about the thought of seeing my ex again after he walked out on me with one of my 'friends' but I would never ever have dreamed of refusing to go if he did and in any way spoiling the excitement of my friends big day for them by being difficult!!

He was happy to be a pain though and refused to go if I did. Especially (apparently) because he would be coming with the aforementioned 'friend' as they were still together.

The friend getting married went with the "his problem, his loss" plan and told my Ex that if he felt he couldn't come then that was his choice.

The couple did have another party after the honeymoon (the wedding had been in a difficult to get to place and not everyone could go) to which I was dis-invited so my ex could go. I was very upset about this but understood why. In the end, my ex decided not to go to this either as he said he couldn't afford a hotel (in leicester!?!) so in the end he missed all of the wedding celebrations.

Not such a great friend after all apparently.

I would think long and hard about how great a friend Jack is if he's willing to complicate your big day. Sounds like Jill is being a much better friend...

LoveBumSex · 27/07/2009 08:07

If you want her there invote her, its up to him if he chooses to carry on like that and spend the day at home nstead of being there to share your special day.

JodieO · 27/07/2009 08:11

Agree with Triggles

pjmama · 27/07/2009 10:41

If you would like them both at your wedding, then invite them both. It's then up to them to decide whether or not they can be adult enough to be in the same room for a few hours or not.

If you choose one over the other, you're effectively picking favourites and it's not fair of them to expect you to do that.

They're grown ups, let them sort themselves out and if that means one or both of them missing your wedding then it's their choice and their loss.

Stigaloid · 27/07/2009 10:44

I would invite them both. Explain that both had been invited and wait to see what/how they reply. It is your wedding day, don't get sidetracked by this - there are other things to focus on, like having a marriage to the man of your dreams. They can deal with their own feelings and act accordingly.

Hope you have a lovely day.

Toffeepopple · 27/07/2009 10:45

I agree with Triggles and pjmama.

Morloth · 27/07/2009 10:47

How come Jack gets to make your wedding about him what is he, 16?

If you want them both there, invite them, tell Jack you have invited Jill and if he doesn't want to come because of that - well you know he isn't that great of a friend don't you?

Grown-ups control their feelings and put this sort of thing aside so that their friends can enjoy their weddings, they don't throw tantrums to get their own way.

Rindercella · 27/07/2009 10:47

I agree with Triggles. Triggles you make an awful lot of sense at 5.20am!

LIZS · 27/07/2009 10:48

Invite them both and ask them to be mature and rise above their differences for that one day.

MadameCastafiore · 27/07/2009 10:52

Jack is being a knob!

If he cares about you as a friend, as Jill does as she is till coming even if you invite him, then he will come. If not feck him. It is your big day and he is just a guest in no position to issue ultimatums (sp?).

hairymelons · 27/07/2009 10:55

Morloth says true, if I were Jack then I would be doing my best to disguise how I felt about it because it's not about him- it's your day. I hope you have a wonderful wedding

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2009 10:56

invite them both

cant beleive you are thinking of not inviting jill just as jack is being a twat

sayithowitis · 27/07/2009 11:00

We had a similar situation when we got married, except the two people in question were my parents! My mum didn't want me to invite my Dad and went so far as to say that if he came she wouldn't. We told her that it was our day and we wanted them both there. We wanted each of them, and their new partners to be with us as we celebrated the start of our marriage, but that we would not be subjected to emotional black mail. We insisted the invitations would stand but that it was up to them to decide whether they were adult enough to accept and attend our wedding out of love for us, not to turn them dwn out of animosity for each other. They all came, we had a wonderful day, and both my Dad and Step Dad played a major role in our day.

That was nearly 30 years ago and they are no longer with us, but some of my most treasured memories of both Dad and Step Dad are of them at my wedding.

So, send them both an invite, tell them they are both invited and that if they can't tolerate each others' presence for your sake on your day, then stay away and that you will understand that your friendship is maybe not as important to them as it is to you.

Dizzyclarebear · 27/07/2009 11:20

I had something like this at my wedding too - very good friends that had split up a 18 months before and it was all still very raw. She said she wouldn't go if he was (she was a good friend to me, he's a good friend to DH).

I took her for a drink and explained that I wanted her at my wedding, and my H2B wanted his friend there and we didn't think we should not invite either of them and that I hoped she could cope for one day. I promised to put them on different tables far away from each other.

They both were there, she brought a gorgeous hunk with her (who was just a friend but made her feel far better about seeing the ex's new GF) and it was fine.

If Jack is your friend, he'll suck it up and go. Make sure you let him know they'll be sat far away from each other. It's one day and he might have fun.

Original poster

leftangle · 27/07/2009 12:11

Seems to be a consensus emerging - however I think some of you are being a bit harsh on Jack. He is not telling me or asking me not to invite Jill, just saying that he can't face seeing her so won't come. His absence (or Jills) won't ruin my wedding.
I guess I just feel that as I don't see so much of Jill (and have never met her new DH)it won't matter (to me) if she doesn't get invited even though I planned to.
However, as most of you are saying, Jack is the one with the problem and I guess I shouldn't pander to it.

OP posts:

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