Parents that won't say the word "No", is it ridiculous to expect others to follow your rules?

[Confuzzeled]

AIBU to think this "We don't say NO to ds, we try and encourage him to do something else." is ridiculous when you are in someone else's house and your child is breaking things?

My Mum has people staying who's ds has broken a whole load of things in the last 24 hours. They also aloud him to smear food into the carpet and he tried to pull the fire guard off (it's Scotland and it's been quite cold). While they calmly wave toys at him and encourage him to do something else, he's destroying the place. He's only 19 months and I don't think at that age you know the difference between right and wrong, he needs someone to say "NO, we don't pull the fire guard because you'll get hurt".

I think you should be able to bring your child up in the way that you think is best, but I don't think other people should suffer because of it. Not to mention it's dangerous.

AIBU?

Yeah, I second that. Must be pretty scary being a toddler, in many ways, and not being able to rely on your parents to offer some structured guidance... if they don't have the answers either, and don't stop you from running wild, it would be quite a lonely and frightening world. I think small children want freedom to explore, not the ability to freefall. I'm all for being respectful to kids and treating them as you hope they'll treat other people, but letting them damage themselves and others isn't respectful of them, IMO. Part of respecting a child is accepting that they are just that, a child, and it's our job to keep them safe from harm to themselves or other people. Abdicating that basic responsibility just doesn't strike me as having the potential for anything good for anyone.

I do flinch a bit at the idea you offer love or withdrawal as a teaching tool, though, simply because when they hit school - worse, adolescence - it isn't my approval they'll so keenly want. And if I had a tenner for every woman on MN who's described being tied in knots by a bloke using the offering and withdrawal of love as a means of control... I really, really don't want my kids to grow up associating compliance and love. It could perhaps be used against them in later life in rather worrying ways. Though that's all theoretical, of course, and maybe it doesn't work that way - the problem with trying to figure this stuff out is that by the time the results are in, it's too late.

I agree Qally. A small child only has the freedom to explore when they feel safe and cherished and know that parents will provide the structure.
Parents have a wealth of experience-to treat someone as an equal when they have been in the world for less than 2 yrs is ridiculous-the parent should use their superior knowledge to guide. To leave a small DC the decision of whether to throw a stone in a crowded paddling pool is a good example-the adult knows that the poor aim is likely to hit someone, that the force of a stone hurts and that depending on where it hits the victim could need medical attention-the poor little toddler knows none of those things and yet is being asked to make a desision! It is rather like putting them near a cliff edge and telling them the danger and leaving them to decide how near the edge they go! In my view you don't leave them to decide for themselves-you firmly hold their hand. Unfortunately I know of a parent who did the latter-not surprisingly she had very clingy, apprehensive DCs-you would if you couldn't rely on the parent!

sorry- decision.

Spot on qally & pisces

'Give them an itemised bill for the damage.
Let them reap the consequences of their parenting choices.'

LOL
only got that far and agree with the Goblin
your parents could get the kid's parents to pay for a full interior re-design

The trouble with allowing children to have the freedom to choose how they behave is that quite often these children become socially excluded by their peers and peers parents.

Surely everyone knows someone who they would rather their child didn't play with and I am not being snobby about this.

I heard a good example yesterday. My friend had been on hoilday with a large group and amongst this group was an 11 year old (year 7) child who had gone along as a friend of another child so therefore was without her parents.
Anyway she is from a "challenging" background as my friend put it.
She was apparently a nightmare, drinking alcohol, smoking, wearing high heels and very short skirts. She wanted to hang out with the 15/16 year olds who were allowed to go out on their own.
She kept going without telling the woman who was responsible for her. This woman apparently sat her down and laid out her ground rules, which were not the same as the child was used to.

Anyway to cut a long story short the lady who had taken her on holiday was so stressed out as the child took no notice of her that she became ill on holiday and has told her daughter that she is not to play with this child again.

She tried to contact her dad, who confirmed that the girl is allowed to drink 1 bottle of alcohol a day-he was on holiday with his gf.
She then repeatedly tried texting and phoning the girl's mother but go no reply. When they got back home the girl's mother was not in to meet her and so the stressed out lady had to keep her at her house for a further 4 hours until her mother returned home from a trip.

YANBU! Your mother must have the patience of a saint. I'd happily tell the little fecker 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO' and sod his wimpy parents.

But I wouldn't call that Unconditional Parenting Simplesusan, I'd call that downright neglect.

A bottle of alcohol a day for an 11 year old? Eh? Farking ada, those parents obviously haven't followed that very sad case of that 22 year old who died last week...

Yes Herbeatitude I agree but it is an example of allowing a child to do whatever the hell they like and quite sad really.

Jesus simplesusan, thats crazy! I can't claim innocence and say that I'd never had alcohol by that point, as I had, but it was very irregularily done (family parties to be precise, as my drunk aunt used to put alcohol in our soft drinks lol) and normally wihtout my mother's knowledge, just us being silly teens

It disgusts me to see little girls wearing adult clothes. I keep walking around town, it's peeing it down and there are eight year olds (they're in my charges year so either 7 or 8!) wearing mini skirts, heels and make up. What has the western world come too?

Huge difference between making a considered decision (however apparently misguided) to use a certain parenting style, and simply neglecting your kids.

Just to be clear, the yobs on street corners causing fear and nuisance are not the product of liberal parenting, they are the product of no parenting.

My parents were liberal, I've got plenty of criticisms of my childhood (though know they had the best intentions), but I have never behaved yobbishly nor have any of my friends from similar households.

Two totally separate issues.