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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents that won't say the word "No", is it ridiculous to expect others to follow your rules?

136 replies

Confuzzeled · 26/07/2009 08:57

AIBU to think this "We don't say NO to ds, we try and encourage him to do something else." is ridiculous when you are in someone else's house and your child is breaking things?

My Mum has people staying who's ds has broken a whole load of things in the last 24 hours. They also aloud him to smear food into the carpet and he tried to pull the fire guard off (it's Scotland and it's been quite cold). While they calmly wave toys at him and encourage him to do something else, he's destroying the place. He's only 19 months and I don't think at that age you know the difference between right and wrong, he needs someone to say "NO, we don't pull the fire guard because you'll get hurt".

I think you should be able to bring your child up in the way that you think is best, but I don't think other people should suffer because of it. Not to mention it's dangerous.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 26/07/2009 13:17

ok so you can't say "no" to him, how about "stop"?

ZZZenAgain · 26/07/2009 13:21

feel sorry for your mum because if her dh is not supportive, she's in a bad place AND she gets to clean up afterwards. Can't believe anyone would let their dc smear food into someone else's carpet though. I suppose your mum wouldn't have felt up to picking up the dc saying "stop right there young man", plonked him on one dp's lap and said "mummy (or daddy) gets to clean taht up now" Big cheesey grin, hahaha, isn't this fun? Then says, "I'll bring you a bucket dear"

And withdraw frm the siutaion. It's a bit unpleasant but what will change otherwise?

cat64 · 26/07/2009 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 26/07/2009 13:31

I think your mothers guests are very stupid people not to mention rude, and I am sure they will wonder where they went wrong when their brat child gets his first ASBO

SlartyBartFast · 26/07/2009 13:35

my hv suggested this, don't say no, and i admit i didnt say no, it is qutie easy,
you can rephrase it, rather than just NO, No, all the time ; for eg.
that's hot, don;t touch, be gentle,blah blah,

it is no excuse not to make attempts to stop the toddler wrecking people's things though.

squilly · 26/07/2009 13:35

I'm a firm believer in discipline. We said no, stop, don't do that, that's naughty (and yes, I know that's emotional, but come on...sometimes that's exactly what they're being) and I now have a (generally) well behaved 8 yo.

She has her moments for being stroppy with me, but wouldn't (as far as I know) act that way with others.

She's the kind of kid who gets horrified when people drop litter, when they don't take tidy up after themselves in a picnic area or restaurant and she looks askance when people talk in public

70 year old head, 8 year old body.

squilly · 26/07/2009 13:35

I meant in cinemas she's not a dictator!

sherazade · 26/07/2009 13:38

I found it hugely irriating when an older, career-orientated, childless friend of mine who is also a control freak in aspects of her own life told me that it was 'recommended' by experts that I limit the usage of 'no' to 5 times a day. er thats not happening in this house. dds both really active and at the 18-24 month period I rarely visited anyone as I found it too stressful saying no/distracting them/ couldn't have a conversation with anyone whilst watching them like hawks, so i either took only one with me or didn't go. dds now grown out of touching others peoples things but i did have to use 'no' as well as distracting them, constantly.

YANBU.

sherazade · 26/07/2009 13:38

*irritating

SlartyBartFast · 26/07/2009 13:40

the reason my hv suggsted not to say No was because pretty soon that is all their response will be

but that is not the point, the point isnt letting them do what they want just because you are not saying No.

piscesmoon · 26/07/2009 13:44

I would have no hestitation saying 'no' to other people's DCs in my house. UP gets a very bad name when used by people who don't understand it!

HerBeatitude · 26/07/2009 13:52

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not saying no if you don't like the word.

There is everything wrong with allowing your child to wreck someone else's house.

The two aren't necessarily synonymous.

dittany · 26/07/2009 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sherby · 26/07/2009 13:55

'we don't smash/break x, it is somebody else's thing and it will make them sad'

'it is not nice to hit, its is unkind and now x is crying/upset'

any statement like this covers a whole lot more than a blanket NO. Which a hell of a lot of children will just switch off to after a while. If you can explain the consequences of doing something and why we don't do it, it works a lot better than just saying NO all the time.

Plus a lot of the behaviours mentioned above are more to do with the age of the child than anything else. A under 2 will hit/bite people you can explain why we don't do it and wait for them to grow out of it. Of course this same behaviour from a 6 yr old would have to be dealt with differently because at that age they hopefully will have learnt it is not acceptable.

SlartyBartFast · 26/07/2009 13:55

exactly, she must put her foot down, it is her house, her rules, things are not there to be broken.

dittany · 26/07/2009 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 26/07/2009 14:04

It doesn't matter if they avoid the word 'no' and do it in different ways-what is important is that they stop the DC!

PerArduaAdNauseum · 26/07/2009 14:06

A friend of my sister won't have anything to do with me any more after i told her children - 3 and 5 - not to jump around on the stairs leading down to the stone kitchen floor. I'm obviously devastated by the loss

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 26/07/2009 14:09

If it were my house and I was told I could not say NO to the child I would say DON'T YOU DARE BREAK/TOUCH/THROW THAT OR I WILL SMACK YOU

Original poster
Confuzzeled · 26/07/2009 14:34

My Mum has only been aloud to hold this child once and that was in the presence of only the father and only for about 2 minutes.

It's my Step Dad's son, wife and child but all the SBIL, SSIL was confuzzeling me so I just called them family.

I go stay at my Mum's house at least once a month for a weekend because it's quite a journey and can't pop over and see them. I do this because I want to see them but also so I can offer my Mum support with my sister who has serious mental health problems. Anyway, this has put a strain on my Mum and Step Dad's relationship. My Step Dad has a strange relationship with his son and the wife is a whole other episode of Jeremy Kyle.

They only visit a few times a year and since my step dad has put up with my sister taking a crap on his doorstep, my Mum feels like she has to put up with his children's rudeness. I have tried to explain that my sister is ill and they are just assholes but my poor Mum doesn't want to rock the boat.

I have no idea what SBIL and SSIL's house looks like because I've never been invited and neither has my mother. I once saw it on skpe and it looks pretty minimal, a few toys on the floor but thats it.

I really wish I was there, I have been twice in the past and both times they made rude comments about my parenting and my dd. The first time I was so shocked I didn't say anything. The second time it was behind my back.

OP posts:
lizziemun · 26/07/2009 14:39

'There is family friction so my Mum can't really say much, it's my step Dad's family and he's very precious about them. They are very rude house guests as it is, they treat the place like a hotel and my Mum like a maid.'

See now if i was your mum i would be saying both to (d)h and his children that as they insist on being rude and treating my home as a hotel and me a maid then i will be charging £35 per night for bed and board as well as breakages/carpet cleaning, oh and this will be the last time that they stay until they find some manners and respect for me.

Saying no to a child doesn't do them any harm although my 1st hv will disagree with me. When dd1 was about a 1yr she kept touching the hot radiator, and when i told her no (when hv was here) she told me not to say 'no' but to hold her hand on the radiator until she felt it hurt .

lizziemun · 26/07/2009 14:42

Sorry x-posted with you.

You mum needs to stand up to your stepdad about his sons behaviour.

As you say you sister is mentally ill therefore cannot help her behaviour where as both your stepdad and son can.

Original poster
Confuzzeled · 26/07/2009 14:43

omg lizziemum, I wonder if she thought it would be good to make a child smoke a whole box of cigarettes if she caught them trying one.

OP posts:
lizziemun · 26/07/2009 14:49

I would say yes she probaly would. But then she was deff a bit odd. Which is why i stopped seeing her.

katiestar · 26/07/2009 15:21

Well I'm going to go against the grain here.We are talking about a 19m old BABY in hhis grandparents house .The fireguard should not be able to shake loose from the wall.That isn't safe.He shouldn't be sitting on thr floor when he is eating, why isn't he on his highchair/booster?Why aren't breakable objects being moved from his reach.
IA child that age needs to be able to touch things and explore his surroundings not be told 'don't touch this, don't touch that' and so on.He is staying as a houseguest in his grandfathers house .A bit of childproofing would have meant all this could have been avoided.