To really hate the way i look

[imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy]

I look like a fat frumpy version of vic reeves really. [sorry vic]

I used to be really quite sexy, always a little on the large side (huge bust) but happy with that. To be honest, i don't have so much of a problem with my body, its more my face, well, the whole package really.

How can i look SO different? I'm fat, my hair is lank and greasy (no matter how often i wash it), my skin is awful - it looks dirty all the time. I have excessive facial hair which i waxed off yesterday - ouch! But really, why bother - honestly, i know this seems pathetic, but i really think i am actually ugly.

DP and i hardly have sex any more. I used to do sexy dances for him, i have caught myself doing this lately and thought "what the fuck are you doing?" It doesn't elicit the same _response as it used to, thats for sure - i wonder if it actually turns his stomach.

I know peope will come on here and say - go on a diet, get some exercise, get your hair cut etc, but i just can't see the point - none of that will change my face.

Im just bein realistic, im not attractive any more. There must be other women who feel the same, who are resigned to not being attractive and you see them, plain clothes, comfy shoes - well thats me, all my clothes come from charity shops, i pay alot for my shoes, relatively, because i like comfy shoes.

Its not like im really old, im only 39 i know women older than me who really look good. My friends are pretty, i often wonder why they associate with me - i must make them feel ill.

The thing is, i DID use to be pretty, i was, i really was - had a good figure (if you like busty), i turned heads. I loved it too, christ i was vain - i often used to think i would get punished for it, now i think i was right - serves me right for thinking so much of myself.

I dont bother with nice clothes (cant afford it just now anyway), havent had my hair cut for over two years, possibly even longer. I did cut it myself once, just got hold of a handful and lopped it off. It didnt look too bad.

Dont get me wrong, im not doig the self pity thing, its almost cathartic to accept that my old sexual self is long gone and that i dont have to bother anymore.

lmao at the thought of DP as portly and sexy!

He is just being honest dittany - i would be mortally offended if he lied, i have piled on the pounds recently and it notices. Why would you say to someone, no, you don't need to lose any weight when they blantantly KNOW they do.

My problem is, that i don't think its worth it, nothing will change my face.

Really, i didnt start this thread to berate DP, i am trying to talk out my feelings when i look in the mirror.

You are being too hard on yourself, but you probably know that already. You sound very much like me. Age 41, DS is nearly 4, I'm 4 stone heavier than before I had DS, had PND, suffered with anxiety before that (and still do) So believe me I know where you are coming from with this.

I think it is a lot to do with your depression and anxiety, because I feel very bad about the way I look somtimes. But feeling that you make your friends ill is a bit worrying...do you really feel that?

And it's a bit of a vicious circle...you don't think you look nice full stop, so you don't buy nice clothes because you think you can't do them justice (and don't go anywhere to need them) so you wear comfy casual stuff which is fine( but really makes you feel worse because you never get to see how nice you could look in something pretty), so you think you don't look nice full stop...adonandonandon.

And I know you don't want people telling you to lose weight & cut your hair etc, but you say it won't make any difference to your face, and it will. If you've put on a lot of weight like me, then your face will be different. I think that I look like i've got tiny piggy eyes in a big round jowly face..maybe bit of an exaggeration, but my face does look so different with the extra weight. But I'm trying to lose weight & I know how blooming hard it is so no lectures about doing it...just trying to show you that your face could change.

And treating yourelf to a proper haircut could make so much difference to your face & how you feel about it. Most of us know someone who has simply changed their hairstyle/colour to something that really suits them & thought 'wow! they look good!'

Not suggesting you go out & get some high-maintenance 'do that will look nothing like it did in the salon when you get home. Just something easy & suits your face shape. It can make you feel so much better.

It' the one thing I do, always go & get my hair cut & coloured every couple of months. It makes me feel very indulgent, I think I look better, so I feel better. I know it costs money, and sometimes I think I shouldn't spend it on myself, but I try to think 'I don't smoke, don't drink (cos of being on ADs) so I AM ALLOWED this and I DESERVE IT.

I don't know tiger - i have always had a bit of a double chin going on - never seemed to be able to loose that, even when i was a size ten! After i had DD i got sick with gallstones, i had to cut all fat out of my diet - it was hell, i lost four stone in about eight weeks. I went down to a size 12 and i hated it, i was too skinny - my breasts were like empty bags and i looked ill. Really bloody ill.

I stupidly had a mirena coil fitted and not long after went onto ADs and the weight just piled back on.

tiger, honestly, i am staggered when people who i havent seen for a while recognise me. And i feel the same about new aquaintances, im often a little that they recognise me/remember me sort of thing. Does that make any sense?

is there any kind of activity you could do with dp that would help you both bond a bit more and lose weight at the same time? excercise releases endorphins which make us feel better about ourselves etc and it might be beneficial? also, do you get to spend anytime to yourself? everyone needs a break from childcare and daily grind and sometimes just a long soak and some ersonal pampering especially before bed can help you feel more relaxed and at ease.

The hair cut thing is a bit of an issue for me, i remember my DP sort of making me have my hair cut once (well, he booked the appointment and came with me because he knows im almost phobic about hair dressers). It was just awful, horrible - the girls there were chatting and lauging among themselves about clubbing and i cant quite remember what, but i just remember feeling ridiculed and so horrible about havint to stare at myself in the mirror and trying to laugh along with the girls who i knew were taking the piss. The hair cut was awful, really rushed and it made me look fatter than i already did.

I pick my scalp until it bleeds, that stops me from going to the hair dressers because of the scabs - they will think im dirty, so its sort of a protection thing. If i don't do it, i dont feel as if i have an excuse and i have to get my hair cut - that doesnt make much sense i know.

How can it be hypocrisy dittany - he is a lard arse too, he recognises that we BOTH need to loose the weight. I think we have ishoos though, i had to go on such a restrictive diet when i was sick and he sort of followed it with me to a certain degree, lost weight and felt btter for it. Now, oh, i dont know - i dont actually eat that much, drink farrr to much but hey, we all need a vice - i like a drink or six.

Thing is, you might be right, maybe he doesn't make me feel as loved as he might, but i am not him. He does try - but honestly, he has a LOT to put up with. I drive the poor guy mad and i expect an awful lot from him. Hes not perfect, but a lesser man would have walked, even if i were a sex kitten.

Do you not think its ironic that i felt worse when i lost the weight than possibly i do now? I am not meant to be fat though - thats the thing, some women can really carry it, they genuinely look good, but i don't i look dirty and unhealthy. Its affecting my health to - but im not so sure i care anymore. Actually sitting here wondering what use i am to DP, and even DD - totally screwed things up with DD1, she has left home at 19, DD2 is four and i seem to be following the same route.

you clearly went to the wrong hairdresser! they are places where you need to shop around to find one you are happy with. what about a mobile hairdresser who comes to you?

does the amount you drink affect your meds?

I have to say this sounds like Body Dysmophic Disorder to me. Please look into this, OP, I think Shiney is probably right.

OK so I know that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" is a cliche but it is true because beauty and ugliness are subjective not objective. So you are not ugly, you find yourself ugly and this is the root of what is going on. You don't want to make love to your partner because you don't fancy yourself (I totally get this, I can't do it unless I think I am sexy either). But then you are scuppering all the avenues of becoming less ugly in your own eyes, especially refusing to get your hair cut because you think "what's the point?".
Sounds like you need some counselling alongside the ADs because you have got yourself in a state where you cannot nurture yourself and give yourself the respect which you need and deserve.

Good post, Anybody

Oh, I see the problem with haircuts now, I didn't realise there was a horrible experience involved.

Couple of things struck me...you said the salon girls were laughing & joking about going clubbing, but you felt ridiculed and that they were taking the piss. But were they really? Or were they literally just chatting about clubbing, and it was your feelings about yourself that made you feel they were ridiculing you? I'not trying to be judgey (because I do this to myself all the time), just trying to work things out.

And the defence mechanism of picking your scalp so you don't have to get your hair cut does make sense, but I think is another indication that as stubbyfimgers said, it's about more than just a diet & a haircut.

I probably do drink too much, but only in as much as its not healthy and probably makes me put on weight! I have had tonight the grand sum of one bottle of pear cider - not great, but you have to try these things. When i say i like a drink or six i was joking. If i had six drinks i would probably pass out!

Mcfly, I have been having counselling for over a year now - its mostly health anxiety. im having a bad time recently. My poor DP, i was getting better, reduced my meds, had a health scare and things have been shit again. He was really happy when i started reducing the meds, he said they made me like a zombie and that i was so much better on the lower dose - i must be bad, because he keeps telling me to get back to the doctors and get my medication put back up

It must be awful for him, its not just the looks - its everything - i am so different now - i used to be fun loving, if not a little over the top and attention seeking (always have to go that one step further - thought nothing of getting my tits out all the time - my best feature by far!). Now im very serious, constantly anxious, checking myself obsessively.

To be honest, im scared, absolutely bloody terrified tham being swallowed up by some external force that i can't control. My counsellor says im a control freak (shes right) I feel like im on the edge and if i go over, thats it, that way madness lies, but it would almost be a relief just to let go, go with it - get sectioned, and not have to think anymore.

can i jsut say thank you - i know im doing the whole self pity thing again - you are right dittany, you have got me sussed! But this is actually helping, i need to snap out of this, but im scared, im scared that if i allow myself to think everything will be ok something awful will happen to me. which is ironic because the only reason i care about that is becuse i dont want DD not to have me, but then i feel i am a toxic parent anyway - life is never simple is it

can you try different meds to see if they work any better on you?

so what do you think needs to happen OP?

my doctor did suggest changing my meds recently - but i was worried about the changeover, she said, aye, thats ok can give you some diazepam while you change over - um, no thankyou very much - im fucked up, im not THAT fucked up. What i mean is, they make me feel BAD and i really would have to be fucked before i go down THAT particular road. Thing is though, im on citalopram but i know its one of the cheaper ADs. I was pretty fucked the day she suggested another SSRI and i can't remember for the life of me what it was called - i know it began with C (this is so unlike me, believe me, im like a walking medical dictionary) but cant hazard a guess, i think its the more expensive version of cit which is supposed to work better for anxiety which is my principal problem. I dont think i am depressed, its just the anxiety wears me down.

Dittany - things are not so bad really, financially we are on a more even keel which helps. Things are coming to a head for me though, DD starts school in september, so now i have to get a job - really need to financially and even my counsellor agrees that i probably have too much time on my hands and that i need a job. But thats a whole new ballgame - you think i hae no confidence in myself and my appearance, professionally my confidence is on a minus scale.

I'm not sure my counsellor really likes me though, she thinks im manipulative, i guess she is right. But i just want someone to make everything right - so what if i stamp my feet when i don't get it. Basically i want my dad

stubby, you are my counsellor aren't you cos she says that to me ALL the time!

I NEED to get a grip, i need to start losing some weight - not by dieting, i can't face that - but exercise. I need to take care of myself - but thats the rub, im scared, im scared if i allow myself to do that, that if i allow vanity and happiness it will jinx everything, that its not worth it, that im not worth it and that i should not bother trying to be happy because if i allow that then something will happen to fuck it up and it will be my own fault.

and there it is. this is not haircuts.