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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be miffed I've not just lost a husband

21 replies

Natt82 · 25/07/2009 17:01

but lost my inlaws and nephews and niece as well?

As breakups go, ours is fairly civil. It was v.v.v. out of the blue for me (we were still tfab and had just moved house) yet apparently he'd been debating it for a while. He just upped and left about a month ago - citing he couldnt live with me or our children (3 & 1)

Its been a bit of a rollercoaster, but I'm enjoying living on my own and with my boys.

But I'm miffed that I've not just lost a husband in it all. My BIL is having a BBQ for his birthday - he's invited his whole friends list on facebook (darn thing) apart from me. SIL wrote on his wall she needed a photo of him for something - I replied with offering her one. No reply. I emailed them and said the kids were welcome round here anytime (they live 2 streets away) but just got a "yeah ok".

Add to this some of ex-dh's immature friends who laughed at me in the street (yes laughed. They are 32 and they laughed at me because my husband left. They didnt like me anyway due to a big falling out, but still) and I'm pretty pissed off that one immature mans actions has affected my life this much.

So AIBU to be pissed off with ex-dh, and my inlaws too?

OP posts:

Metella · 25/07/2009 17:04

That's harsh.

Dh's brother and his wife divorced a few years ago but we still see her often - no-one has behaved the way you've described.

Do you think your ex-dh told them to be cool with you rather than them doing from their own volition?

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 25/07/2009 17:05

YANBU - have also experienced this

bronze · 25/07/2009 17:05

No I feel sad for you.
I get on well with all my inlaws and would feel sad if something that my dh did caused me to lose them

Though I'm lucky as I suspect if my DH just upped and left my mil would carry on as before.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 25/07/2009 17:05

YANBU but they clearly think they have to take sides.

PuppyMonkey · 25/07/2009 17:08

Give them a bit of time, they are prob a bit uncomfortable about it all at the mo but may come round in a few months when things are have settle down.

The friends who laughed sound like knobheads anyway, so u are well rid.

Mumcentreplus · 25/07/2009 17:09

..bluddy gits

PuppyMonkey · 25/07/2009 17:09

"are have settle down" is gramatically correct you know.

Nancy66 · 25/07/2009 17:13

No you're not being unreasonable - how awful for you.

don't worry about the tossers in the street. Who cares what morons like that think?

I understand why you BIL didn't invite you to the BBQ - I assume your husband will be there? But, even so, it wouldn't have taken much to have dropped you a line saying 'hope you understand but do come over with the kids soon.'

Maybe they need a little time to adjust and will be a bit more considerate in the future - hope so.

Original poster

Natt82 · 25/07/2009 17:24

Thanks everyone. I even got hugs, blimey normally unheard of on MN!

Ex is living at BIL/SIL's - so can kinda understand, but I have been there a few times (dropping off kids etc) Ex & I have hardly rowed about it all either. (well apart from the weekend he left when he went on the piss at a BBQ then had the cheek to tell me I'd ruined it for him because I rang him annoyed he hadnt answered his phone to say goodnight to DS1 who'd gone to sleep crying)

Am guessing I am mainly pissed off because this was all ex's idea. He even says it was all him - he couldnt cope with living with children who wake in the night, or strapped for cash etc. He says none of it was down to me really, so I'm guessing I'm just annoyed I didnt have a say in any of it.

We never even really rowed leading up to him leaving either. I had no forwarning of it all which just goes to show how immature he is really, as surely you discuss things in an adult relationship?

OP posts:

alypaly · 25/07/2009 17:35

My ex and I rowed like cat and dog as he was always out golfing when he came home from work and at weekends and i had to look after a very premature baby and I was "slightly poorly" after having had pre eclampsia, and in hospital for 12 weeks with fluid etc.
I split up from my ex 14 years ago and it was a bit heated at first, but over the years it has become incredibly civil and amicable. In fact we go out for meals, spend xmas and birthdays and other times together even tho we both have partners and we are always there for each other. Life is weird, but if you have children, keep it amicable and then the children dont pay the price....believe me, it really works.
My two sons are 21 and 16 and they are so level headed because mum and dad are still best of friends despite all that water under the bridge.

Wanderingsheep · 25/07/2009 17:45

How awf for you. You are right to feel pissed off.

you would think that they would at least try to be amicable for the sake of the children.

Not quite the same, but when my dad died (12 years ago now) all my aunties and uncles just stopped visiting my mum, despite the fact that one of my uncles lived next door! My dad was one of seven and one of his brothers (the one that he was closest to) used to come and visit his brother next door and not come to see us, even though he had promised my dad that he would look after "his girls" for him after he had gone!

Families are such shits sometimes, aren't they!

Wanderingsheep · 25/07/2009 17:46

Sorry, that should say awful!

primarymum · 25/07/2009 17:53

I see more of my exPIL,BIL and SIL than my ex does, he lives abroad and only sees them once a year! My exSIL comes to visit and phones often, I went on holiday with exMIL and even paid towards their 75 birthday party! They are still my family ( well technically they are my childrens family, so that makes them mine) I am very lucky ( and even my ex isn't that bad!

alypaly · 25/07/2009 17:59

primarymum
Its funny when you meet up with your ex.....there is still a kind of bond that can never be broken. I didnt really want to split up from my ex but I was so shattered without any help around the home. I asked him to leave when i found out that he had been disloyal but i really missed him after he had gone. After one year i kept asking him to come back and he said he would. But the usual story. never the right time to tell his girlfriend and when he did say he was coming back and set a date, he wud always move the goal posts.

BalloonSlayer · 25/07/2009 17:59

YANBU. I had no DCs but when my Ex-H left me everyone dropped me too. Ex-H said I'd done nothing wrong, it was him, blah blah. And he was right . But "our" friends, the people we saw at weekends were "his" friends. I still had my friends - "the girls" of course but I missed a lot of people to whom I had been close.

I'd had a miscarriage at the time when we split up. The medical term (at the time) was abortion, (what we call an abortion is a termination) so I didn't react at the time when someone said to me "the abortion must have been difficult." I wonder now whether he had told them I'd had an abortion (termination) .

primarymum · 25/07/2009 18:06

alypaly, I didn't have much choice, he came home from a business trip abroad, said he was going back to live and did three days later! 12 years on and he's still there! The children see him once a year ( they are now 17 and 14) and we all get on well. ( Although how we would get on if he did live in this country is hard to say!)

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 25/07/2009 18:14

YANBU in the least.

When DH1 and I split I had all the same stuff from his family, but they are not worth pi**ing on if they were on fire anyway so no loss there.
Some of DH1s friends were prats too but on the whole most of our friends were cool about it all, and DH1 and I are still friends.

Don't let it get to you.

notevenamousie · 25/07/2009 18:28

You have every right to be fed up. He doesn't sound very mature, tbh, I think in time (obv not now) you might come to realise you made a good escape.

I wonder about my ex's sister, who is lovely, and my ex's parents, who must really miss my dd, because without me to make the effort, they don't seem to see her.

So you are not alone, and not at all unreasonable. But well done you for doing so very well in the circumstances. I mean that as one who has been there too.

alypaly · 27/07/2009 16:13

BalloonSlayer
Just like you all "OUR" so called friends dropped me like a shot as they thought i was the evil woman kicking him out of MY house ( which it had been for 10 years prior to meeting him). They used to love coming round for all my dinner parties but suddenly nothing. No phone calls no dinners no chats ...absolutely zilch.
I even paid my ex 10K to leave so that he had enuf money to set up on his own in an appartment. At least i have no guilty conscience which is more than can be said for the spongers who used to come and eat my food.

hambler · 27/07/2009 16:30

YANBU
And you sound incredibly level headed considering he has deserted you and his children.

You have conveyed not so much as a trace of bitterness in your postings. Either you feel none or you are working hard at concealing it.In either case well done.

Onwards and Upwards !

lucykate · 27/07/2009 16:34

yanbu, it always happens like this. when i was 15, my mum and dad split up, i haven't seen any of my aunties, uncles or cousins since, and i'm now 39.

i didn't even know one of my cousins had committed suicide until recently.

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