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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my daughter to go out with a boy?

39 replies

Yowey · 25/07/2009 13:12

This particular boy is on anti-depressant tablets. I honestly feel deeply sorry for him, but i dont want my daugter getting too involved with someone with so many problems. I want her to let him down gently, as his problems may eventually become hers.
Adivice would be greatly appreciated.
Yowey.

OP posts:
edam · 25/07/2009 13:15

Agree with you but what does she think? How old are they?

TeenyTinyToria · 25/07/2009 13:20

The relationship might not necessarily be a bad thing for either of them. I have a very dear friend who has had many problems with depression/self-harm/suicide attempts etc. His current girlfriend has changed his life - having her support has made him a different person.

I think you need to let your daughter make her own choices - you can advise her, but in the end the relationship has to be her decision. How old is she?

Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 13:20

She is 17, and he is also 17. She thinks that he would seem to be a distraction from her studies, she did like him for a period of time but he seems to be carrying alot of emotional baggage. I think she wants to help him, but also let him down gently.

OP posts:
raffyandted · 25/07/2009 13:22

Would like to know more about why he is on anti-depressants before commenting. I'm on anti-depressants and I'm quite a nice, harmless person, honest

raffyandted · 25/07/2009 13:24

Oh, yowey 'tis you! Then you will know about my emotional baggage from my frozen embryo thread.

Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 13:24

This is true, it is her descision and i do feel for this boy. But for my daughters first relationship i would like it to be a stable one. He has endured quite an emotional life, his mother an alcoholic and his step mother encouraging him to go on anti-depressents. Surely there could be a natural alternative instead? Im from Australia by the way, Western Australia.
Yowey.

OP posts:
cornsillk · 25/07/2009 13:26

I think she needs to decide for herself.

Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 13:27

He is on the depressents because he went to the doctor with sore legs and they (step mum and doc) have suggested that alternative - even when he said numerous times that he is not depressed. Apparently he has anger management issues; although my daughter has not seen the anger. I have nothing against people on anti-depressents, but at his age surely there should be another alternative? But i dont think his step mother gives a stuff.
Yowey.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 13:29

Cornsillk,
mabye she should decide for herself, but being her mother, i do believe i have the right to help her to not make mistakes in her life.
Yowey.

OP posts:
maggievirgo · 25/07/2009 13:30

God yeah, totally agree with you. Her own sense of self-worth too fragile at 17, even a confident 17 year old so new to adulthood and relationships, and the boundaries between him and her too blurry in first serious relationship.... It is a learned skill to be able to support somebody, and love them, and yet, to be able to take a step back and not allow yourself to be totally drained in the process. A person can spend their energies propping up another person, and become that person's coping mechanism, only to realise that they are turning to ashes themselves.

GypsyMoth · 25/07/2009 13:34

my 13 year old daughters (boy)friend yesterday proudly showed me his nicotine patch on his arm!!! i was horrified and didn't hide it too well!

Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 13:34

Thankyou maggievirgo,
ive felt the same myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 13:36

Wow! iLoveTIFFANY, its good he has given up smoking!

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 25/07/2009 13:38

Some antidepressants are used as pain relief and not for depression at all.
Could this be the reason, rather than jumping to the conclusion that he is not suitable because of a medication prescribed by a doctor when you were not present and have no idea why it was prescribed

Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 13:41

norksinmywaistband; yes you are correct, i could be jumping to conclusions. can it be used for pain relief? and i guess that he is the one that said he is not depressed.

OP posts:
maggievirgo · 25/07/2009 13:46

I don't think anybody could seriously, hand on heart, say that they were totally blasé about their child becoming close to a teenager with depression.

I imagine though that you can not tell a 17 yr old girl not to see him.

All you lay it on the line, loud and loud!! Tell her, if she'll listen, to remember that it can be quite draining to support a depressed boyfriend, and that if she finds it is using up all of her emotional resources and she's running out of the positivity needed for her own life, then she is to come to you and you will prop her up. Tell her adults with 20 years on her have found it hard to support loved ones with depression. that sounds supportive, but it might open her eyes to what's ahead without being too alarmist???

Saying that though, I have also been on anti-depressants before leaving my horribly abusive x. And they did work!

It sounds like he's not too 'dark' iykwim. Life's dealt him some shit cards. Depressed for a reason is different ime. Tell your daughter that you admire his pro-activity, going to the docs and taking anti-Ds.

Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 13:51

I understand, as i have anxiety myself. I am dealing with peri-menopause and sleepless nights. I have just recently gone to a naturopath and im hoping that they will help. So i do feel for this boy, as youre right life has dealt him some 'shit cards.'
Yowey.

PS. I enjoy talking to you, please write back.

OP posts:
maggievirgo · 25/07/2009 14:01

Just found this after a quick google on amazon living with the black dog

I don't know how appropriate it would be, as they don't live together, but have a quick look, and see what you think. You might see a much better one. It would show her that you're taking her seriously as an adult, and taking their relationship seriously! but at the same time it would leave her with no illusions that it was going to be a walk in the park.

Maybe she will think that she's not cutout to be Florence Nightingale to a depressed man afterall.

Do you have any friends with children her age? Can you engineer (subtly) fun light-hearted activities every now and then... Make sure that she still has the perspective on comparing him with other teenagers.

barnsleybelle · 25/07/2009 14:04

yowey I remember being 17 and if my parents had told me i couldn't see a boy it would have made me just see them in private and possibly lie about it.

Better to let it run it's course ( which is likely at this age). Stand by her, let her talk, listen openly to her and that way she's not likely to keep things from you, which is potentially more dangerous than the relationship itself.

You also say he has anger management issues but that your dd hasn't witnessed this. How do you know of this then?

Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 14:05

Youre very helpful, thankyou. Getting off the topic for a minute, have you ever had relocation anxiety?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 14:07

Barnsleybelle, my daughter told me this, that was what he said. My daughter and i have a good relationship and talk about everything.

OP posts:
barnsleybelle · 25/07/2009 14:16

That's good yowey that she tells you everything. You want to keep it this way which is why it may be better to let her see him with your support.

Original poster
Yowey · 25/07/2009 14:19

She doesnt know if she wants to see him herself, but she doesnt want to hurt his feelings.

OP posts:
barnsleybelle · 25/07/2009 14:22

I didn't realise this, you OP says that it is you who didn't want her being with someone with so many problems.

Totally different thread now..

edam · 25/07/2009 14:30

Gosh, she can't possibly have a relationship with someone just to avoid hurting his feelings by telling him she's really not interested in him in a romantic sense! Blimey, DO let her know it's OK to say 'no' and help her to work out some way to tell this lad she does not want to be his girlfriend. Kindly but leaving no room for doubt.