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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think when my someone offers to help out, they might actually help out?

24 replies

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 18:23

dh has to have an operation soon which means he'll be non weight bearing for 8 weeks so he won't be able to collect ds from the cm and put him to bed as he does when I'm at work (I work 12 hour shifts so though I can get ds up and dressed in the morning and take him to the cm, I can't do the evening as I'm still at work). Ages ago my (recently retired) mum said she'd help out, insisted in fact. So I thought phew! That's great. She lives 45 mins from our house so I did say to her "are you sure, it means quite a bit of driving for you" and she insisted.

So fast forward a few weeks and dh's op is imminent and my mum has now said the only way she'll help out is by taking ds back to her house for the weekdays. So I won't see him for a whole week at a time.

Am I being a bit UR to think I don't really want that to happen? I don't see ds enough as it is due to long shifts.

Ok I'm pregnant and grumpy so flame away...

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 22/07/2009 18:24

I really don't think anyone can flame you.

She has gone back on what she has offered and expecting you not to see him for a week is not on.

Can your cm do extra hours?

Original poster

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 18:28

Sadly not. She has a very young grandson living at her house, I think she's pretty exhausted and I don't think she'd be able to keep my ds late in the evening. She'd have to bring ds home and put him to bed as I don't get home until 9pm sometimes, more ususally it's 11pm.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 22/07/2009 18:29

A mother's help?

Original poster

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 18:31

I might have to ask my sister's former nanny to do it, she still babysits for us so I'm happy for her to do it, but it is more money. It's more the principle of it really, my mum was sooo insistent she would help. To the point of putting us off inviting my MIL to come and stay with us for the duration of dh's rehab as she was nearer (MIL lives in Cyprus) and could easily do it.

OP posts:

Boys2mam · 22/07/2009 18:32

YANBU though I can certainly see why she wouldn't want a 45 min drive as late as 11pm each night.

Can she not stay with you while you're at work?

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 22/07/2009 18:32

Too late to get your MIL over?

sarah293 · 22/07/2009 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Fennel · 22/07/2009 18:37

I would be irritated, but it's just the sort of thing my parents do, and DP's parents used to do. Unreliable bunch, grandparents. I don't really mind, because I know they are all unreliable so don't make plans that really matter with them.

What about if your mother does that - takes ds home with her - a couple of evenings a week and you find someone else for a couple more evenings, would that work.

Original poster

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 18:39

She wouldn't have to stay until 11pm Boys, I'm happy for her to leave dh in charge, even though he's non weight bearing. DS rarely wakes up in the evenings so I'm not too worried about that. All my mum would have to do is pick ds up from the cm at 6, take him home, give him a bath and put him to bed. Then she would be able to go home.

We might try and see if the MIL can get a flight FBG, but it's a bit late now, they're very expensive (op is in 10 days).

unfortunately CM can't drop him off Riven.

OP posts:

Original poster

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 18:41

Fennel - as it's such a long time when we're going to have to do this, I may have to let her have him for a few days, but I'm going to miss him like crazy anyway. Because of my shifts I only get to see him for less than an hour a day as it is... to have even that taken away. I dunno, maybe I'm just hormonal... esp as it's the last few months of just me, dh and ds.

OP posts:

minxofmancunia · 22/07/2009 18:45

yanbu, I'm in last 2 months of pg, am cherishing time with me dh and dd. My family are like this too, go on about being around and wanting to help but when you ask there's always loads of conditions attached and they're always "busy". I've only ever asked a few times now I don't bother as it just pisses me off.

I'd rather they didn't bother to offer, i'd prefer the honesty.

Original poster

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 18:47

It's frustrating isn't it Manx? If I'd known that's what her definition of helping was I'd have made other arrangements weeks ago and wouldn't be worrying unecessarily now.

My only other alternative if my sister's former nanny can't do it, and my MIL can't come over is to switch to night shifts, working 8pm to 6.30am 5 x days a week but that's so knackering I really really want to avoid that.

OP posts:

Original poster

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 18:47

Sorry minx

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Portofino · 22/07/2009 18:54

It's a tricky one! 45 mins away means 1.5 hours each day. That's a lot of driving so I can see what she means about it being easier to keep ds during the week. How many days on the trot do you do?

I guess you need to weigh up what you would have done without her offer, and whether spending the extra money for a baby sitter in the short term is doable or not. I would be nervous to have a DH incapable of nipping up the stairs whilst I was at work, JUST IN CASE. I have to admit I'd prefer to have someone fully capable in charge, even if that meant i didn't see ds for a few days.

Lindax · 22/07/2009 18:59

YANBU at being a bit miffed if it was clear what you were asking her to do and she has backed out leaving you with no childcare at short notice.

"all she would need to do" would be to drive 45mins to pick up ds from cm, take him home, bath, bed and then drive a 45 min journey home in the evening 5 days a week for 8 weeks. not sure what age your retired mum is but this is a big and exhausting committment for anyone.

could you suggest a mixture of :

mum staying with you for a night or two each week

ds staying with mum for a night or two or three

you visting ds at your mums once or twice a week when he is there

then your mum is not driving as much and you are still seeing ds.

Original poster

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 19:00

I realise that portofino, which is why I made absolutely sure she was ok with it, and she insisted. Grr!

Of course, without her offer we'd have had to find a way, probably getting the babysitter to do it. Dh will be mobile, he'll be on crutches, but he won't really be able to pick ds up and carry him any where... I'm happy with that arrangement. DS can walk, if there's an emergency dh will be able to lift ds out of his cot and then ds can walk, it's more the putting to bed that's an issue.

OP posts:

Boys2mam · 22/07/2009 19:02

How many days per wk is your mum to look after your DS?

Original poster

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 19:04

Lindax, my mum's 67 but she's extremely fit and young (mentally) and active. she still has a personal trainer three times a week, she could whip my arse in the gym anyway

I do realise the driving is a lot which is why I asked her if she was sure. I won't be able to go and stay with them while I'm on shift as I don't think I can leave dh all night in his reduced mobility state, plus because of my bonkers shifts I'll be the one doing an hour's drive, late at night, having done a 12 hour shift which is less than ideal.

I will ask her if she wants to stay with us a couple of times though... Hopefully she'll say yes so we don't have to fork out masses for the babysitter.

OP posts:

Original poster

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 19:05

Boys... it would probably work out 4 days a week, I don't work a 5 day week as I do longer hours. It might also be the odd weekend too that I need help, the babysitter definitely can't do those days.

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Boys2mam · 22/07/2009 19:11

2 days at your mums and 2 days her staying with you, that doesn't sound too UR.

Hopefully she'll agree to that but even 4 days away from him (especially if you only see him for an hour anyway -- though I would rather an hour than nothing so I do understand) wouldn't be too bad, surely? Depends how your money situation is and whether the babysitter fees would hurt financially.

Discuss it all with your Mum, can you not explain all this to her?

Original poster

HeadFairy · 22/07/2009 19:18

Boys, that's probably what we'll end up having to do.... that and a combination of the babysitter doing it for a couple of weeks too. The babysitter won't kill us financially, but we're mid house move too so every penny counts.

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Boys2mam · 22/07/2009 20:11

Good luck, hope it gets resolved without too much disruption and Good Luck - 4 x 12 hr shifts while pg and a DS, phew, you deserve some looking after x

overweightnoverdrawn · 23/07/2009 13:58

What about your mum forking out for all the fuel back and forth to your house . Still think she shouldnt have offered in the first place if she dosnt want to do it .

Original poster

HeadFairy · 23/07/2009 19:41

overweight, I don't mean to sound mean, but my mum is very well off. forking out for fuel isn't a problem for her, not that I'd take advantage of that at all.

OP posts:

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