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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have phoned the poilce over an 11yr old bully

22 replies

biggirlsdontcry · 22/07/2009 11:06

i have namechanged for this one

my 10yr ds has been getting bullied over the last few weeks by an 11yr old boy , he used to be friends with him but this other boy just started to punch my ds & my ds other friends for no apparent reason so they stay away from him now because every time the boy apologies the next day he goes back to punching them .
last week my ds was out playing & the bully saw them , he walked up to my ds & started to choke him , squeezing his neck hard enough to leave red marks my ds broke free & ran home but bully followed him & started kicking & punching my hall door i opened the door to tell him to get lost & he went into a rage calling me DISGUSTING names ,
yesterday things got even worse , my ds was in our front garden with his friends when the bully walked straight into our garden & punched my ds in the eye , i saw this from the sitting room window but didn't get to the hall door in time to stop it anyway my ds has had enough now & hit the bully back & i screamed for my dh who had only come in from work & was upstairs getting changed to split the boys up , DH ran downstairs & PUSHED both boys apart standing in the middle of them , the bully ran off & so did my ds friends , we later heard that the bully told his parents that my DH assaulted him . i have the bullies mums mobile phone number & i tried to phone her 6 times yesterday but she wont answer even though a friend of my ds told me bullies mum had the phone in her hand every time it rang she started to mock me for trying to call her & told another child to give me a message " to f###k off "
so at that stage i phoned our local police station for advice they have told me that we can make a statement if we want to but its most likely to lead no where because they are only kids unless my ds has any marks on him then it will be taken more seriously .
sorry for the long post , but don't know what to do now , this other boy was back out playing 2 minutes later with his mam after giving him money to buy sweets in the shop .she just doesn't seem to care what he gets up to .
any advice guys would be great as i have been stressing about this all night ,

OP posts:
LadyOfWaffle · 22/07/2009 11:09

I don't think you were being unreasonable - this isn't a playground spat! Write all the details down (incase you forget), and keep note of anything new, and report anything you would if it was adult vs. adult. I don't think because they are 11 that choking another person should be taken lightly, at all. Take as many pics as you can.

shonaspurtle · 22/07/2009 11:11

If it happens again then phone the police at the time. Don't try to contact the parents.

LadyOfWaffle · 22/07/2009 11:11

Don't call bullies mum, she may end up 'getting' you for harrassment.

littleducks · 22/07/2009 11:13

Make a statement, to cover your own back if nothing else-you dont want dh to be accused of more in the future

Morloth · 22/07/2009 11:15

I would make the report to the police so that there is an official record if this continues.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/07/2009 11:15

You did the right thing, and you should also have the police look at your hall door. You definitely need to have this recorded by the police in case it escalates.

I agree that you shouldn't call the mum now.

Stigaloid · 22/07/2009 11:17

YANBU - so sorry to hear that your sonis being bullied. Next time he comes onto your property call the police and report him for trespassing.

ErikaMaye · 22/07/2009 11:18

You are being totally reasonable. I hope they take you seriously and that things get better for your DS soon. Keep on at the police, make sure you contact them immediately is anything else happens.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 22/07/2009 11:25

the policeman i spoke to told me to constantly phone bullies mam or knock on her door until she answers me {shock}
i then said well that will only lead to another argument & he said well yes but if that gets out of hand then phone me back,
ive told him this woman just doesn't care what her ds gets up to , i once saved her ds from getting a beating from teenagers while his mum & step dad were in the pub, i took him home to my house to keep him safe & rang his mum but again she would not answer & her ds was very upset so i left a message saying he was in my house very upset & could she pick him up as i was at home with a sick baby & didn't want to take her out (it was in winter) in the end his mum never rang me back & i ended up having to walk the boy home with the baby wrapped up (the boy has his own key to the house) the next day she rang to say that her son "WAS A DRAMA QUEEN & NOT TO MIND HIM " [SHOCK] i explained that he was very upset & scared & she just laughed . then said goodbye.

OP posts:
Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 22/07/2009 11:42

i feel like shaking some sense into this woman to make her take responsibility for her ds actions , but how do you get to talk to a woman who wont open her door to people or answer her phone
i know of lots of boys in my area that are not allowed to play with her ds , which in a way i think that's sad because i think bully suffers from ADHD , but his mum refuses to get him tested , she told me once that her ds school wants him to get tested but she refused

OP posts:
randomtask · 22/07/2009 11:51

I know it's probably not what you'd like to do, but you could report her to social services. If he has ADHD he'll need help and sooner rather than later as otherwise he'll have no friends left.

Don't worry about talking to the Mum, she's obviously not interested. If he's having behavioural problems (obviously is) the social services will keep an eye on him and also talk to the school. I'd be surprised if they haven't heard about them already.

Definitely phone the police each time, the one you got was an idiot who doesn't know about protocol. But yes, if you can get evidence, do.

Hope things improve for you, you're obviously a caring Mum and not just to your own children.

katiestar · 22/07/2009 12:03

i don't think YABU at all !
This boy sound a nutter !.
Even if the police won't press charges I think they should come round and talk to the family.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 22/07/2009 12:07

thanks randomtask , i feel horrible to even be thinking about getting the police involved over an 11 yr old child but at the same time i need to protect my ds ,
IMO this boy is a product of his upbringing
if his mother doesn't care less then why should he IYKWIM
i feel so sad for the boy as you can see very clearly when you are talking to him that he has some problems , i just wish i suppose that his mother would stop burying her head in the sand & get him help before he REALLY hurts some one .

OP posts:
MoonchildNo6 · 22/07/2009 12:09

YANBU

This is assault, it doesn't matter that he is 10/11.

The boy sounds like he has problems but the real blame seems to lie with the crap parenting. Thing is what can you do about that? I don't have the answer, sorry.

famishedass · 22/07/2009 12:12

YANBU - ring the police every single time he sets foot on your property or touches your son. Every time. They'll do something eventually. This is how ASBOs get started.

randomtask · 22/07/2009 12:14

That's why I suggested social services. They may be able to get him help/support at school so even if his Mum is rubbish, he can get some help with his ADHD. Incidentally though, I know two brothers, one has ADHD, one doesn't. The one who doesn't ends up behaving like his brother (swearing, violence etc) so it could just be what he's used to. If his Mum really won't do anything, they can put a parenting order on her to make sure she supports her son more. Unfortunately I've had a bit too much experience of the system with a young lady I know. If he actually got arrested (which is sounding more and more likely) he would get a Youth Offending Team worker who are related to Social Services and can enter his school, house, anywhere he might go and get them to support him more. It sounds awful, but getting arrested is what sorted my girl out.

Sorry it's depressing but I think you might be able to help him by letting them know. You could also (if you would like) offer to support the social services etc so that he can see you're not against him but his behaviour.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 22/07/2009 12:34

thanks every1 , my ds has just gone out to play now with his friends so I'm just hoping that nothing else will happen as dh is in work , random that is a good idea about social services but i wouldn't know what to say to them to be honest , this boy has never been tested so we don't know for certain that he has adhd ,
my ds goes to a different school thankfully ,
my DH wont have this boy anywhere near our house now as we have excused his behaviour several times before .
the boy stood up to my DH yesterday calling my dh a c##t , pri#k , etc i had to tell dh to take our ds inside jut to calm things down , this child has NO respect for anybody his own mum included but she just laughs when he calls her a c##t , he is an only child & gets away with everything.

OP posts:
randomtask · 22/07/2009 12:38

I'd just alert social services, say you are concerned about his anti-social behaviour, his lack of respect for people/objects and also that you are concerned his mother is struggling to control him.

That way, if he does anything else, they have the info on file.

MoonchildNo6 · 22/07/2009 12:39

Laughs when he calls her a c##t? My god, what a beautiful way to bring up a child.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 22/07/2009 13:08

moonchild my thoughts exactly ,
the bully has just cycled past my house & called me a c##t AGAIN , i just ignored him as i was taking in the post ,
he has 2 bigger boys with him today , id say they are least 14 or 15 ,i just rang my ds & told him to play near our house in case anymore trouble starts .

OP posts:
123andaway · 22/07/2009 13:26

I can't believe the police officer gave you that advice. To keep phoning her and knocking her door could amount to harrassment, and could land you being arrested. Don't do it.

I've dealt with alot of situations like this as pre kids I was a police officer. The first thing you need to do is record everything that happens. Buy a diary/note book and make daily records. Write down everything.

The second thing you need to do is to ensure that your son does not encourage/provoke this boy at all. I know its difficult for him not to retaliate, but if this escalates and can be made out to be 'six of one and half a dozen of the other' by the other boy and his family then your DS (who is also above the age of criminal responsibilty) will be in as much trouble as the 'bully'. You find as a police officer you take a complaint from somebody regarding a situation like this, you go and talk to the other party, who straightaway make a very plausible counter allegation and you end up arresting both parties!

Thirdly your DH needs to be very careful. This boy is already shouting assault. I completely understand that he was protecting his son, but if this boys makes an allegation of assault against your DH to the police.....he just needs to be very very careful.

Original poster
biggirlsdontcry · 22/07/2009 13:42

123andaway , thanks for the advice , yes i rang her 6 times yesterday but every time her mobile rang out & went on to voicemail & i left her 2 messages , the 1st one(straight after the boys fight & i was very annoyed) i said " keep your brat away from our house"
the 2nd message (two hours later after calming a bit) " please call me back as we need to talk about this as the situation is getting out of hand" .
both my DH & i feel sickened to be honest & my dh knows he shouldn't have pushed the boys but i was there & it wasn't a hard push but still it shouldn't have happened ,
do you think we should just let things settle down or should we go to the police & make a formal complaint ? i have the name of the policeman i spoke to yesterday but he didn't ask for my name or address so we are not sure if he would have taken a note of things or not

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